I've Never Felt Like This... Fuck I Miss Him.

Im in one of the worst places mentally that I've ever been in. I don't understand what I did wrong. Why did he stop answering my texts and leave me on read for days??? Why only now after only a week hit me up again and think I'll just come back to you? I probably will but that's not the point. If I just disappeared... Would you even notice? You wouldnt care... I know, because I've been gone for months and you haven't even noticed. It's all too much for me... Fuck.

Well, i couldnt even go 24 hours...

Ive been clean for months before, but i just cant anymore.

Fuck right and wrong. I'm doing whatever makes me happy. Im going to stop thinking about what anyone else thinks of me and my actions.

- I am who I am. Deal with it.

I don't see him anymore... i think about him all the time, and its neither of our faults. Sometimes I think whats the point of bei g with someone if you can't even be with them? but then I think about him- because he's the one, if that were to exist.

I've never felt like this... fuck I miss him.

Were keeping distance because were both not ready.

my scars haven't even healed, and i don't think they're going to heal anytime soon.

Hes not ready to be open and trust me

My mind is a constant battle, and even when we were "together", I couldn't mentally handle it.

I'm really not ready, and neither is he, and it fucking sucks because I think he's the one.

ik its only been a short time, but I think I love him.

but it doesnt matter. he's gonna move on soon, but I never will.

What happened to me...

MY SISTER SNITCHED ON MY DAD CUZ SHE SAW MY WRISTS

I lied and told her it was only there and only once a week for a couple months...

She fucking believed me...

"You tell dad or I will"

"Okay, I will. I just need some time"

LITERALLY THE NEXT FUCKING DAY SHE SNITCHES

Fucking bitch stay out of my life. The reason I started cutting was because of you! You havent been around for YEARS. You have a new family and you fucking left me and I'm fine with that. Dont fucking come around now and pretend were actually good. DONT PRETEND ITS OKAY FOR YOU TO GIVE ME AN ULTIMATUM AND NOT EVEN GIVE ME A FUCKING CHANCE

IM DOING JUST FINE BITCH LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. AND WHEN I TELL YOU WHY I DO IT AND WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED DONT GO ON A 15 MINUTE SPEECH ABOUT HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS AND HOW GAY PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HELL

I'm sorry, did I fucking say I was gay? DID I SAY I WATCH PORN?

No. No I didnt. I said that I feel alone and that i want to kill myself and this was helping me

AND I SAID I KNOW ITS A BAD COPING MECHANISM BUT DID I ASK YOUR OPINION?!

THIS IS EXACTLY MY FUCKING POINT. Bitch. Stop putting fucking words in my mouth.

Imma kill someone, myself or her🤷‍♀️

Fuck off, Karen.

When i met him, it was like taking a breath of fresh air. I can get used to this...

- (I think hes the one, so i hope i dont mess this up)

I just wanna get away from it all, ya know?

I used to love the holidays. But now im crying myself to sleep on Christmas Eve, praying i dont wake up tomorrow, and i dont know what changed.

Update, I found him

but everything comes with a price...

I found him but I cant have him. I'm to broken right now. I wanna be fixed and have the strength to say "I used to cut" and not "I still cut"

I wanna be with someone who understands my scars. Someone who wont try to change them, but understands why. I need someone whos equally or more fucked up than me.