Every Episode Of Criminal Minds

every episode of criminal minds

lady: walking down dark alley slowly and alone (everything a woman would never do)

white guy in hoodie: hey

lady: AHH

white guy in hoodie: u look like my mom *stabs her* *takes her toes*

—

emily: and then i got drunk and slammed that bitch’s head into the bar counter

derek: haha thats great-

jj: its a bad one *hands out files*

emily: let me eat you out

(in the conference room)

jj: so yeah this guy stabs ladies. but now, he takes their toes

spencer: hes escalating

hotch: 😡😡😡 wheels up in 30

(zoom in on the plane)

jj: if when you do, but i cannot for the yes of he was what i no 💖 -lil huddy

(in the plane)

emily: sexual sadist

spencer: the history of toes is actually a long starting with the ancient indians they used to-

derek: dont make me put ur head through the plane window pretty boy. although i know you would love that

spencer: 😳😑

garcia on the phone: okay so i made a list of all the white guys in arizona.

derek: i want to taste ur guts

garcia: impale me with ur cock

hotch: thanks garcia 😡😡😡

—

detective alzhiemers: we spoke on the phone and i invited u here but i just want u to know i dont trust a single fucking thing you say. wow agent jareau u got that barbie doll build.

hotch: 😡 where can we set up

(at the crime scene)

rossi: 👁👄👁 he took their toes. but u can see the bone here.

(camera zooms in on derek)

derek: *takes off his sunglasses* *flexes* hes devolving

(at the m.e)

doctor dr. : so basically he kills them. u can see because theyre dead. he takes their toes but its sloppy.

emily: he must be doing it because he doesnt have any toes.

reid: *calling garcia* we need a list

(music escalates)

—

spencer: yeah so basically hes white and a sexual sadist

hotch: mid 30s, his mother didnt love him

emily: HES IMPOTENT because his girlfriend cut off his balls

derek: and he does not have toes. we gotta catch him fast. *picks up a call from garcia*

jj: i will be telling the press so we can get calls about men without toes.

garcia: hey my 12 inch bad dragon dick. i found him- Ben Serialkiller, 54 creep lane. born without toes, his mom kicked him out when he was 5.

derek: thanks babygirl. remind me to kiss ur feet tonight.

rossi: god am i old enough to die

detective alzheimers: actually i think youre completely wrong.

emily: we dont fucking care shut up limpdick

other cops: okay we believe you now

—

(in a dark basement)

spencer: Ben, i get it. u dont have to kill these women. *puts the gun down and takes off kevlar for no fucking reason* my mom tried to kill me too. but im not a serial killer.

white guy in hoodie: you dont get it.

rossi: you dont want to kill her. we can let the world know of your struggle, ben. we will teach them of a world with men without toes.

white guy in hoodie: okay i guess. *lets go of lady* *cries*

hotch: 😡😡😡 *cuffs him*

—

morgan, on the jet: u did good today, kid.

reid: thanks. i wonder what my life would be like if i didnt have 3 lifetimes of trauma on my 27 year old back.

morgan: hahaha

emily, joining in: hahahaha. loser

hotch: 😡😡😡 i wish i had emotions

jj: i miss my kids

emily: can we fuck yet

jj: fine i guess

(picture of the sky)

rossi: And in the end, if I eated soap, no I didnt because I yes ✨ -hitler

every episode of house ever

*episode opens with patient going about their every day life*

patient: owww my everything

*patient goes to hospital*

house: okay guys got any ideas

literally everyone: ehh probably meningitis

house: well you're wrong give him a lumbar puncture

foreman: house despite you being the head of our team we obviously know more than you

house: *joke about foreman being black*

foreman:

house:

foreman:

house:

chase: hey cameron you wanna bang later

cameron: fuk u

chase: eyyy she wants me ;0

patient: oww my everything

cameron: the patient is getting worse house what do we do

house: pfff fuck if i know

cameron: damn house you suck you're a terrible doctor he obviously has meningitis

house: give him some drugz idk

cameron: wow guys did you hear house telling us to give the patient drugs? damn he's a great doctor wouldn't you just like to bang him?

chase: >:(

cuddy: house go work in the clinic

house: no

cuddy: do it or else

house: ugh fine

*insert some comic-relief scene of house in the clinic with a dumb patient*

*meanwhile the first patient gets worse*

patient: owww now my eyes are green

chase: house his eyes are green and he is literally on the brink of death what do we do

*INSERT 30 SECOND LONG MONTAGE OF HOUSE GOING OVER THE FACTS*

house: gREEN EYES?! THIS IS A SIGN OF TITTY DEFLATION!

*insert a 3D animation of how the disease works with voice over of how it works*

house: only a shot of the super-duper-illegal anti-titty deflation vaccine that has not yet been made legal can save him now

cuddy: NO

house: YES

cuddy: NO

house: YES

cuddy: NO

house: fuk u bitch i do what i want lmao cuddy? more like slutty ayyyy

*house gives patient cure*

patient: wow, doctor! by some miracle you've cured me! And even the chronic pain in my back was fixed!

house: yet another symptom of your titty deflation

wilson: how did he have titty deflation? he doesn't have titties

house: shut up, wilson, you were probably irrelevant this episode

*"You Can't Always Get What You Want" plays*

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blvk-rxse

6 years ago

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blvk-rxse

5 years ago

all the Hogwarts professors joining together to absolutely roast Lockhart rb if you agree

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blvk-rxse

6 years ago

Don’t think of Pepper, who always knew that Iron Man would be the death of Tony, watch as her prediction came to fruition, and not be able to do anything about it except give him one last parting kiss on the cheek.

Don’t think of Happy, who had been with Tony long before he had returned from being held by terrorists, after which he had immediately asked for a cheeseburger. Don’t think of how he must have felt when his daughter asked for the same thing after Tony’s death.

Don’t think of Peter, who had finally gotten that hug when he wasn’t turning to ash, only to have Tony slip away only a few moments later. Don’t think of how it must have felt for him to lose yet another parental figure, the grief he must have faced.

Don’t think of Rhodey, who had known Tony since they were both in MIT, and who had already nearly lost him to terrorists all those years ago. Who had been by his side all these years, especially during his Avenging, only to watch as he slipped away.

Don’t think of Harley, who had met Tony so long ago in his shed, and who hadn’t heard much else from him until his funeral.

Don’t think of Morgan, who was only five, and whose last words to her father were “I love you 3000,” and who had these very words returned to her in the recording Tony left behind before he died.

And definitely don’t think of Tony, who was so close to the happy ending he fought so hard for. Who had his second kid back — the first being Harley — and even had a third with the love of his life.

Don’t think of Earth, which had lost its Greatest Defender in the process of being avenged.

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