Glad I Could Help 😊-Apollo

Shoutout from Hunter here (source: the owl house) to every introject, NOT JUST FIVTIVES. -Whether you identify closely with your source or not. -Whether you feel comfortable in the body or not. -Whether you want a new name or are sticking with the old one. -Whether you miss your sourcemates or not. -Whether you come from a fully accepted source or a problematic one. -Whether you mask or not. -Whether you have traumatic pseudo memories or fun pseudo memories or none at all. -Whether you come from a widely known source or a more obscure one. -Whether you’re existence is even known yet. -No matter who you are are or how you experience life

You are heard. You are valid and your struggles are valid. You don’t have to hide and I appreciate you for trying. Things will get hard and even if you think you have no reason to be sad you are entitled to your feelings, I want this to be a safe, judgment free zone for you. So stay as long as you like/need. Please share this in any way you can with a struggling introject to let them know that they aren’t alone.

From your friendly struggling introject

-Hunter

P.S. take a deep breath and don’t forget to hydrate/eat/take your meds/anything else you’ve been putting off

That system feeling when you can’t tell if you’re finally coming out of week long depressive episode, or if it’s just the caffeine you drank, or if someone else with more self confidence is fronting…..

Love from whoever the heck this is ❤️❤️❤️❤️ it’s probably not Apollo though

I have a psychological examination in a week. It’s four hours long and a two hour drive to get there. It’s been scheduled for months and I had been trying to get an appointment for literal years. I’m hoping that I’ll get diagnosed with DID among other things because of it (that’s the whole reason for the appointment) , but I am terrified of what the outcome will be.

Basically there are three ways this can go.

They tell me I don’t have it and I believe them. If this happens I will most likely cave to denial. Not forever but it’ll probably be at least a few months before I try to talk to my alters again. Might end up front stuck because I don’t believe they’re real. (All of that of course assuming I DO have it and the doctor gets it wrong) if they say I don’t have it I probably don’t and yes this means I can try to rehabilitate and live my life without alters, but I’m also going to feel like a shit human being for even INSINUATING that I have this disorder, let alone placating it.

They tell me I don’t have it and I don’t believe them. In the scenario, whether the explanation the doctor told me are bullshit or even if they say they ‘don’t believe in the disorder’, whatever the reason I have to go through this whole process again, anxiety and frustration and all. So let’s hope it’s not this.

They tell me I DO have it. This is genuinely probably the least messy outcome. I will most likely believe them just because they specialize in this area (assuming they believe in the disorder). The downside with this (aside from the obvious point of it all being real and incurable) is that the ONE other time I got validation from a mental heath professional (who was coincidentally the only mental health professional I talked to about this for more than five minutes and was also trauma informed) the ONLY time anyone said ‘yeah that very well may be what’s happening’ the system got so out of hand so fast. I could no longer push away my alters with the excuse of ‘they may not be real anyways’. And because I couldn’t use that reasoning to keep things in check everything went haywire for a few weeks until I could convince myself that we still don’t know if they’re real. So yeah. If it plays out like this things are going to be so hectic and stressful for a bit.

Either way, I’ll update you after the appointment and once I get the official diagnosis.

Rant below the cut. Tw for parental abuse and gaslighting.

Incredibly depressed and not sure what to do about it. Can’t reach out to others. I don’t want to come off as needy. Not to mention I’ve isolated myself pretty well and just about everyone I used to call a friend I can’t really talk to. And it’s my own fault.

I’m on the edge of a panic attack. My parents are coming home soon and I don’t want to pretend it’s okay. But that’s all I can do.

Fuck, why won’t anyone switch out with me. Isn’t that the whole point? I hate them so much. I hate that they refuse to acknowledge just how terribly they hurt me. That they STILL gaslight me into believing that my childhood was fine. I hate that I believe them when they say that. I hate that after all of it they still expect me to do anything more than keep my distance.

Why do I have to get over all the crap that THEY put ME through? Why is it my responsibility to move on and not theirs to apologize and try to help.

Fuck. I hate them, I hate me, I hate everything.

I don’t want to be here.

Okay, so on amnesia, there’s this game that I’ve apparently played with my bf FOUR times now. And I don’t remember any of them. Until he told me today I didn’t even realize that I had played a fourth time. And I only knew about the first three because he had told me about them some point after we played.

It is absolutely insane to me how fully I can forget something like that. How totally absolute my brain is when blocking it out. I don’t remember us planning to play, getting ready to play, playing, wrapping up, or whatever we did after that. It’s absolutely insane. And apparently I’ve beat my boyfriend at it several times now.

It’s not an obviously triggering game either, it’s a basic fantasy monster slayer type board game using cats and other furry animal characters. I assume, I don’t remember ever playing it.

The weirdest part to me is that I don’t even remember missing anything. I have no clue when we played, or what we were doing before or after. It legitimately feels like it never even happened and all I have to go off of is my boyfriend’s word, which I do trust, it’s just so bizarre. It’s almost hard to believe any of it happened because of my complete and total lack or recollection of it.

Anyways, I’ve decided next time he brings it out we’ll have to record at least part of the game so I can look back on it.

Tw: syscourse

I’m going to be totally honest, I don’t have a problem with endos as long as they stay in their own lane. They don’t belong in DID/OSDD spaces, but I refuse to hate someone for their beliefs. If they believe they are a system, cool, let them do their thing. I personally believe that you form a system as a coping mechanism to repetitive inescapable trauma. But if you believe something different and you aren’t hating on me for what I believe, totally cool, agree to disagree.

That being said, I will not support people who hate on traumagenic for any reason. I always tag my posts with #endos dni because so many people have been attacked by them for being traumagenic with their own ideas.

I’m not saying if you identify as endogenic you’re a bad person and you’re hateful. I just don’t want to invite endos into a place for traumagenic systems. The same way that cishets and straights aren’t always allowed in LGTBQ spaces, there are spaces just for traumagenic systems. And I want this to be one of them because I believe that trauma is the only way to truly be a system.

If you believe something different, that’s cool, I just ask that you don’t interact. I can’t stop you, all I can do is warn you that if you choose to interact anyway you are representing your community as one that does not listen to boundaries.

These are my own beliefs, please do not hate on others (including other alters in my system as they have their own beliefs) due to these beliefs. If you really want to hate on someone hate on me, just know again that you are instilling an image of a hateful community that does not believe that others are entitled to their opinion. Which everyone is.

Okay that’s it, rant over, have a good day whoever you are and however you identify. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

-whoever the heck is fronting

There’s nothing quite like watching your source and being traumatized by what your future would have held.

-Izuku

This, but for every mental illness. Self diagnosing can be really helpful and when backed with proper research I have very little problem with it. If you feel that ceritain terms help you understand something, go for it, those terms aren’t only there for people who are in a position where they can get a diagnosis. They are also there for those questioning and trying to understand who they are.

I personally start to have a problem when people use terms incorrectly and spread misinformation using them (shout out to the majority of the endo community)

It’s like someone with a hoarding disorder telling people it’s because they’re autistic. Both of these things can be issues separately and should both have support, but they are two entirely different things. Claiming you are one thing without doing the proper research can very easily spread discourse and misinformation.

Spreading misinformation can be detrimental to someone trying to understand themselves or anyone trying to understand someone in the community.

And spreading discourse is a great way to further divide a community like this one that is already rocky.

I’m fine with people self diagnosing in certain situations with proper research. Getting an actual diagnosis just isn’t possible for a lot of people and it can be really difficult to live your life not fully accepting that something is happening, or not being able to explain your symptoms properly because you don’t feel those terms are for you.

-stay safe and well, Apollo

In my autism evaluation today, my evaluator said "whether or not we can give you an on-the-books diagnosis, you do have autistic traits. I would never want to take away language that has helped you find a supportive community or skills and tools that help you navigate the world. Don't use the diagnosis as the be-all end-all measure of your validity."

This is very true, though I would like to add that you don’t have to have DID for your symptoms to be valid. You can still feel things and have symptoms even if they don’t fit the diagnostic criteria. Does that mean you have DID? No. But you are still entitled to your emotions and feelings, especially if those feelings are a result of trauma.

Does anyone realize that the "everyone is valid" thing has actual diagnostic implications?

Yes, every case of DID will have differences from another. But all DID cases must meet diagnostic criteria in order to actually be DID. You can't say "everyone is valid" and "DID can look like anything" because really, it can't. At the end of the day, there are still diagnostic criteria that must be met. If anything goes and anything is valid and anything can be DID, then DID is nothing and we might as well not even classify it as a disorder at all.

Same thing as people who say that "everyone has a little bit of DID" or "everyone has parts". Yes, you act differently at work than you do at home. This does not mean that you have dissociated parts of a fragmented self, and if it did, then DID would be a redundant diagnosis and there would be no need to have it in the ICD or DSM if "everyone" had it.

Power trip: push someone’s buttons.

Ultimate power trip: push your own buttons

-this has been a PSA from God knows who I am.