𝙹𝚞𝚕𝚢 𝟸𝟷, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟹 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙳𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝙾𝚏 𝙵𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚣

i am afraid of loss

i used to think i was afraid of dying but in actuality i am afraid of death and loss. i am afraid the idea of no longer existing whether it’s me or my family, i want no one to die but we also can’t live forever, the future scares me and i have no answers but i still can’t help but dwell in it, the idea of no longer being alive… i’m scared, please help

Andrea Gibson

support me on Ko-fi

I remember those five songs I shared with you,

the ones that showed how broken I was and

as we sat on your car staring at the navy blue sky,

the color it usually was at 3am,

I knew you understood

and I don’t think anyone ever will again...

MSI

<My Favorite Playlist is Filled With The Songs You Shared>

I think I was just born with something dark and ugly inside of me. Always waiting to be found out.

planetarium - adrienne rich/@twoheadedfawnn/ugly, bitter, and true - suzanne rivecca/a burning hill - mitski/a hora da estrela- clarice lispector/ @100493503004422/sharp objects - gillian flynn

being in yr 20s is abt experiencing the worst thing you can imagine & then having to go to the grocery store

To You

I don't like the way I am acting right now. I keep pushing you away, and I am sorry. I'm scared to feel the way that I do. I don't want to. I have not felt like this in some time and I don't know what it means. I am sorry I am making you feel as if your feelings dont matter. i am sorry if you think youre dumb becase youre not and i am sorry i tried to make you jealous on purpose. at the end of the day i dont know how to handle the emotion, i am childish, i thought i had matured but turns out i did not. i sit here and am slighjtly mad at myself i am sad and i dont know why, i miss you and wan to talk to you but i understand if you are done becasue all i did was push you away. all did was reject you time and time again but its becase i was scared and if you are done now its okay, you said you would tell me so please do becuase i started to care about you too late and i wish i hadnt and i think i do like you like more than i care to admit but i dont want to admit that to myself becuase that means exposing my feelings to somepne and i cant. i care about you and im sorry im pushing you away, i am sorry you are tired or feel bad, i am sorry if i did something wrong, i wish i had not. but thank you for allowing me to feel loved in ways that i have not before. even if it was for a small amount of time. thank you for allowing me to feel cared for and thanks for showing me what it is like to love with respect even if you didnt actually know me, you blindly cared for me, and i am grateful for that you showed me what it was supposed to be like and i told you time and time again you were most likely lying, thank you for the patience you showed when in was so confusing and rude. thanks and i think in another life time i could have really loved you, and i hope in one of the multiverses i got to feel what it was like to be loved by you because i just know it would have been amazing. thanks.

25 May 4:25 am

I have sat here and typed and retyped but nothing comes out that can express the feeling, the only way I can think of is asking the question... When will it pass?

When will I stop picking up the phone to call you only to remember that where you are you cannot receive calls? When will I be excited and not have the instant thought to share it with you knowing that I can't? When will I be able to go to sleep without wishing I did so knowing you were one of the people I spoke to in my day? When does it end? When does this loop end? I am tired. Please stop this feeling because it hurts too much.

I look at you and I would rather look at you

than all the portraits in the world

- Having a Coke With You by Frank O’Hara

I finally got it

I finally understand what everybody meant

when they would tell me that one day

I would fall in love

and I would understand what it was like

to be blatantly lost in someone.

I think it comes out of nowhere.

We don’t expect it,

it’s just there, one day

we realize that one person

can change our happiness

whether it be for the better

or for the worse

and we trust that they won’t hurt us

we just put blind trust

even though we never really know

but we don’t really care.

I think we do it for the momentary happiness

that might last a while,

maybe even forever

but we’re always slightly afraid that it will end

and we’ll go back to how we were before..

Strangers

but in the end we’re not really strangers

anymore...

MSI

<Please Don’t Break Me>