Harryzhangs​:

me on the surface: who trying to get smoked OUT

me on the inside: these vices are a temporary substitute for the feeling of contentment I so dearly long for

me deeeeeeeper on the inside: im trying get SMOKED OUT BOOYYYYYYYY

what was your first thought when you saw orson was dead?

“thoughts couldn’t evolve into words, just emotion. i was horrified, because i hadn’t ever seen that much blood before. (by the way, zero out of ten; would not recommend.) then there was fear, of what happened to him and if there was some fuckin’ murderer just strolling about campus; confusion, because i found something that put jason at the crime scene and that didn’t make any sense to me at all because he’s my brother and he wouldn’t do something like this or surely he’d at least he’d tell me; anger was up next, at myself and then towards orson. wanna know something? i didn’t call the police right away. seriously debated it, actually. and as fucked up as it sounds, i got a slice of joy out of all of that. the puppet strings had been severed.”

bxstvrd​:

Jonah’s eyes flickered to Nate, and he looked at his roommate, really looked at his roommate, for what felt like the first time. When he thought of Nate, he thought of lightness and air, of loud bravado and effortless friendliness. He almost wanted to fight Nate, wanted to argue with him and insist, no, you’ve never felt like this, no, there’s no way you know what this is like, and yet, he found himself believing Nate completely, without a shadow of a doubt.

It was… surprising, to say the least. That perhaps the feeling in his chest, of waves threatening to overwhelm him, of that not-so-gentle hum of anxiety in the pit of his stomach, maybe he didn’t have to explain them to Nate. Maybe Nate knew already.

“How do you… let them?” he asked, quiet, sincere. Because this, this was the hardest part for him. Somehow, he’d managed to convince two people, Helen and Harry, that he wasn’t just this shitty black hole that consumed and consumed and never gave anything back, and they were there. They wanted to help, and Jonah could not, for the life of him, figure out how to let them.

He wanted to be saved. He wanted to be saved so badly it was killing him. And then, the words were leaving his lips before he could stop them, pure terror infused into every breath, because this was his greatest fear, and he didn’t know why he was asking Nate, didn’t know how he’d allowed himself to trust in less than thirty seconds, but here he was, spilling over and spilling out, and god he just hoped Nate would understand. “What if I let them… what if they try to save me and they can’t? What if every good thing about me has rotted away and when they try to peel back all the bad and find what’s left, there’s just… nothing? What then?”

Jonah had lost his appetite completely, the banana set aside and forgotten. There was no humor that was going to penetrate this, now that Nate had dredged it all up to the surface, like pulling some great shipwreck up from the bottom of the ocean. He was the wreck, and he was somehow also the storm.

“Don’t give me the same bullshit everyone else does,” he said sharply. “The whole everyone can be saved, nobody is too broken crap. Because there are people who are just… born wrong. There are people where no matter how hard you try to be good, it doesn’t take. What are those people supposed to do?” What am I supposed to do?

.

nate hears jonah, and he can’t help but hear the voice of someone who’s clearly wrestling with a lot of heartache and unresolved trauma. while nate’s first instinct is to make jokes or run away from most (emotional) situations, he chooses to sit in it this time. and it’s hard, because it reminds him of some dark places he pulled himself out from. places he wanted to forget about. nate tries to remember that there isn’t any shame in that  — in fact, there’s a pride he can take in looking back at all the things he’s been through. what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and all that cheesy shit.

but nate doesn’t say any of that, because again, jonah isn’t in the space to hear it; in this moment when his roommate is being his most vulnerable, nate wants to help him however he can. not because it’s a good thing to do. because he wants to. even if it might not be what jonah wants to hear.

“now, you’re smart enough to know that life isn’t that cut and dry. it’d be boring if it was. there isn’t just good and bad in the world — this shit is complicated and messy and...sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s worth the trouble.” nate moves to sit at the edge of jonah’s bed and faces him. it was time they got on the same level. “but let’s say you’re right. let’s say...there are some people who are born wrong and have no chance of being ‘saved’, whatever that means. why, then, consider the possibility of opening yourself up to being rescued? that’s some self-fulfilling prophecy bullshit that i don’t agree with. holding the people you love to unrealistic expectations is the quickest way to fuck things for them and for yourself. but if you were honest, you’d admit that you don’t want to push them out. because you hope, at some point, that their kindness will rub off on you.” 

nate sighs, because he realizes he’s gone deeper than he’d like on a post-breakfast conversation, but it’s too late to turn back now. at least they’re talking. “jonah, i’ve been where you are. hell, depending on the day, i’ve been a skip away from spending all day in the bed myself. but expecting to be ‘saved’ is not the answer. you know who needs saving? kittens in trees. princesses in fairy tales. babies, like literally all the time.” nate leans forward as if he’s telling jonah as secret.

“unfortunately, you and i are none of those things. there is no saving us, because life just doesn’t happen to us. we have the means to change things, to work towards something different for ourselves. and guess what? sometimes, we gotta get down and just fight for it. so do yourself a favor, do those people who love you a favor, and fucking fight for y-ourself, man.” his voice cracks for a second, but he doesn’t care.

it’s then that nate realizes his eyes are wet. he wipes them dry with the back of his hands. 

“....shit.”

.

pvlmer​:

jason follows nate into his room. despite the fact that they’re seen to a lot of people as twins, they had never really been all that alike. but for some reason, it still worked. even though there were times when jason couldn’t help but wonder what it would’ve been like if he were an only child, but he always tried to keep those thoughts at bay. because nate was his brother, and it was wrong to have all of those thoughts. even though he had them. 

“oh, right, the kitchen. i don’t think my grilled cheese can come anywhere close to the ones we get on postmates,” jason replies with a shrug. going to the kitchen to make them himself hadn’t even occurred to jason, because he always figured that no one would want anything he made – not his cooking, not his acting, not his love. “greasy and lots of calories.” he orders from his phone before sitting down next to nate. it almost feels like they’re back home, how they both used to sit on the floor and talk. they didn’t seem to do that much anymore. that was mostly jason’s fault, he had always kept certain parts of himself hidden from his brother. not because he didn’t trust him, but he just didn’t want nate to feel bad about anything. it wasn’t nate’s fault that he was more talented than jason, and that their parents loved him more. he never wanted his brother to know about the darkness that lived within him, his brother was a golden light, he didn’t deserve to see that. jason laughed at nate’s joke, despite the fact that the night had been heavy, he could always count on nate to make him laugh and take the weight off.

“i mean…just everything that happened at the winter masque. i couldn’t imagine anyone from our program killing orson so it was really weird to hear someone accusing us of killing him.”

jason hated lying to nate. he also hated how easy it was. maybe it was because he had had so much practice. so many years biting his tongue and pretending like he wasn’t angry, so many years pretending that he wouldn’t do anything just to get a fraction of what his brother got. but he had to lie to nate. he couldn’t let his brother see who he truly was, nate was one of the only people who loved jason and once he found out what a monster his brother was, that would all go away. he couldn’t corrupt his brother’s mind. so he lied through his teeth, like he had done so many times before.

if nate was honest with himself, he’d admit that jason was in his blind spot. 

nate took pride in being able to separate the truth from the bullshit on a regular basis, but he had never ever been able to get a solid read on jason. and yeah, he knew it was painfully ironic that one of the closest people in his life was also the main person nate sometimes felt like he knew nothing about. and that freaked him out on occasion ─ probably because he still held onto a lot of guilt from their upbringing. but fuck, he was tired of playing that tune. one of these days he’d quit party drugs cold turkey, go back to his weekly visits with dr. june, apologize to his brother, forget about orson, and get on with his fucking life. that day, unfortunately, was not today.

nate looks at jason longer than he should before it becomes noticeable, but nate really wants to take him in as long as he can. when he sees jason, he sees the shy kid who tagged along on (most) of his adventures. he sees a sweet, kind brother and son. he couldn’t be capable of actual terror, could he? had jason been developing into someone else this whole time and nate had been too selfish enough to notice? nate flashes a grin with his shrug, and hopes that it’s enough. but he wants to nudge at the issue, if even just a little bit further.

“i don’t know j, you never know who’s capable of something like that. you might be their roommate. their friend. hell, their brother. the claims had to have some truth to them, right?” nate sighs, “i’m just glad i don’t have to worry about you.” 

texts | palmer bros.

jason: yeah me too, it would've sucked to have another play where i had a total of two lines for my last year lol

jason: is it bad that i don't feel bad? about josie, that is. i feel kinda bad for mathias because i live with him.

jason: honestly, you're living your best life through this role.

nate: right?! i'm proud of u, kiddo. can't wait to KILL THIS SHIT

nate: pun intended

nate: omg you feel bad for him? jason, my sweet brother, pls do NOT let mathias get to you! he is pretty on the outside, poison on the inside!!!!!

nate: u bet your ass i am. did i tell u i bought a spellbook off of the Internet? 😈😈😈😈 wanna get spooky w/ me tomorrow night?

nate’s social media  — twitter

believe it or not, nate’s got a pretty consistent thing going with twitter. his first love, nate spends a good amount of time retweeting memes, news articles, and hot takes on pop culture. while he isn’t really sure where all his followers came from, people seem to be having a good time and playing nice in the comments. (even if a few thousand of them are bots.) there’s something about spewing dumb shit in one moment and truth in the next that nate really connects with. if his classmates finally agree to that orgy, he realllllllllly hopes they’ll let him live tweet the whole thing. that should definitely get him 100k by graduation.

harryzhangs​:

location: campus, morning after cast list reveal closed to @aldysfool​

“nate?” harry calls out, squinting toward the figure walking toward the FAB just ahead of her. she power-walks a bit to catch up to him, figuring if they both have to be up this early to go to class, they might as well go together. “by the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. wait, shit, is it even the first witch who says that?”

nate is strolling along towards the FAB, trying to decide if he wants to ditch class this morning when he hears his name being called. he grins at harry, but his mind blanks on the line, “oh fuck, i don’t actually know! damn, you found me out. i’m a bad actor.” nate slows his pace, ”but hey, good gentlewoman slash donalbain slash siward, congrats to you! how do you feel?” 

where: courtyard between FAB & alderidge hall; when: tuesday afternoon, before the read-through; who: @joseqhine​.

as usual for someone who has an unhealthy dependence on drugs to get through each day, nate is outside smoking before the cast’s call time  —  just something to take the edge off. he places his copy of macbeth down to stub out the cigarette when he looks up and sees a familiar face. he bursts into laughter when he sees her. josie’s the kind of person that nate didn’t ever get along with; and looking at her, it still blows his mind that she and mads were ever close. he thinks she’ll probably walk by and ignore him, but nate just can’t let this opportunity pass him up. “what’s up, lady ‘duff? memorize that scene yet?"