I Have Met The Demons In Me

I dont want to...

You seldom start a journey with hopes of being somewhere, excitement of meeting someone and the thirst to be around your people.

So did I want to be in a place where no matter how crazy I become it would be fine.

Because I was going "home" where there were "my people"

Mistaken was I that it would not matter.

Because I just was an obligation they could not say no to.

The excitement was one sided and so were the hopes.

Even before reaching I want this journey to end

My destination never to come.

I want to go back and never return.

This was a bad idea but now I cant turn back.

I dont want this vaccation

I dont wanna go "home"

It was my birthday 2 days ago,

And the first person who came to my mind, was my dad

When I was a kid, he had hidden toffies in the small compartmemt in his bike.

and had fooled me making me so dissapointed, but it turned out that he was messing. The joy my father gave that day still brings a smile....

And it was him who gave me the best b'day when he was with me....

No birthday can beat that. But what went wrong was that rush of nostalgia making my hair color green. And popped up the questions as to what was I thinking and what made me feel so. God I hated it...

Then when my friends gave me a great bash and that joy made my hair purple.

And that's when I missed my family and that changed my hair color to blue...

And all of this was because of that bloody witch who ruined the magic trick...

I am an open book now, even though no one messes with me, but at times I like to hold things to myself....

Sometimes I am best with me and I had known me best...

A magic experiment has gone wrong and now your hair changes colour based on your emotions. This has created all sorts of awkward situations, as people can read you like a book.

“Giving you pain is not the only way life knows to make you suffer. Sometimes taking the pleasure out of you will suffice.”

lsr

Dear April

Hey there April. I see people all around me asking you to be nice with us. I ask for the same. 

January jumped away with violence… fire in its tail burning down the forests

February fled with the aftermath

March was marching with a virus that we all sat home

I wonder what you bring, April. I wonder.

Life seems dull with solitude. Staying home figuring out ways to kill time. With so much time in hand, I thought I’d get back to all the pending work. But locking me in, doesn’t work. 

I miss the monotony in life.

So be nice to me and everyone else, April. Be nice.

I’m not asking for more but to return my happiness with being able to do things I used to cringe about, complain about, cry about, argue about, the things that I wanted to run away from.

Take me back to the people, talking and doing something.

Take me from this closed room, my laptop and me.

Hey April, try being nice.

I came home late and found Mike sitting on the couch very disturbed

Me : what happened Mike, you seem upset, everything fine at work..?

Mike : everything is fine at work, I just have to attend a wedding reception tonight, I just got a call.

Me : what's wrong in that? you tired?

Mike : no, Mary is getting married, remember.... my ex.?

Me : It's fine baby, since she is fine why do you worry..? Go, wish her and come back.

Mike : *sighs* ok, I'll go, can you come with me, please..?

*my phone rings*

Me : hello, yes, oh, how are you.?

what.?

Congratulations..... when..?

Today! I'll try

You won't believe this, Mark got married today and he just invited me for his reception, like now...!

Mike: what..? You're ex, Mark..? What a fucking coincidence..?

Me : I guess we both have to go and congratulate the couple, I wish I could have with you...

Mike : It's fine, get dressed.

We got dressed up and we both headed out, he took a cab and I took the car, I walk in to the reception hall and turn around to find Mike

Both of us were upset as shit. It was over, we could have not gone, but we had to, we had to tell them we moved on...

Mike : what the fuck, wait... really.

Yes our ex were getting married to each other, which means their ex got married to each other, which was fucking crazy. We dint invite them for our wedding, so they have no idea...

We walked up, posed for a pic, him next to her and me next to Mark. It was the worst situation I was in...

We walk out hand in hand...

Mary & Mark : that was my ex, deal done of inviting them to our wedding...

Now, more than us they were fucked up exactly on their wedding day...

To find that they were better off

Behind those locked doors.

Being lovers or strangers, either way being them

And not exposed and vulnerable

223. Incognito

Behind closed doors, they were lovers.

Please don’t fall in love with me. Just don’t. I am merely giving you a word of advice or rather a word of caution for I’m not worth your time. I am a mess, and a complicated one at that. You can’t handle someone like me for I got too many issues even with myself. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve anyone because I always knew I will never be good enough for anybody. Before you blabber on how you accept me or you won’t get tired of me, know the real me. Who is the real me by the way? I don’t even know it myself. I tend to push people away before they get too close for they will also get tired and leave me like everyone else. Then I will blame myself. See? I even get tired of myself too. I always feel down and get sad without a particular reason. I don’t want to be a burden to anybody especially to you. Please don’t fall in love with me. I am just saving you from the hassle.

c.i.j. // no trespassing (via elementalalchemist)

my exact same feelings right now. exact same way i wanna explain <3

trying to figure me out

The other day someone asked me, what’s the most precious thing in your life? Or maybe something that you hold on to? I thought for a very long time and my answer was “nothing”. Yes, I do not associate feelings with objects anymore. There was a time when even the smallest of objects meant the world to me, where I was close to all petty things and anything anybody gave me it meant the world to me. I used to cry and drain my tears out if I lost something, but now things have changed. I first thought that it was because of the so called “maturity” I gained with increasing age and that it was normal. I thought it was childishness that I expressed before.

But I just feel that day by day I am getting detached from things. I think that I don’t associate feelings with objects because then, being objects they tend to get damaged and when that happens it hurts. And I thought maybe I’ll leave objects and associate greater amount of feelings with people. There are very few people in my life with whom I associate. I thought this was what growing up meant, that when you become matured this is what you do, but alas I preferred the childishness.

There was a thing with associating feelings with objects, there is no expectation of the object to have the same feeling towards you and thus without expectations there is no scope for disappointments.

With people it complicates things. You have to get what you give and when that does not happen you feel disappointed. So was I. With all those disappointments in life from people every now and then, I just realized that I can’t associate with anything. I just can’t.

Neither people nor things. After every failure, breakup of every relationship, loosing of objects I tend to move on very easily in life and people think that I’m emotionless, a lot have said too but I have just become so. From too emotional to emotionless. I couldn’t take the disappointments so I stopped expecting. Maybe this is good maybe it isn’t. I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

People say that I use them for my gain, well when I was being used I dint complain, but when you get the taste of your own medicine its bitter now!

People say that my behavior and attitude isn’t right, well you just get what you give.

I have always been told that my ego is my biggest enemy, you call it ego I call it, self respect.

I don’t care about others and their feelings you say, when no one gave a damn about me I just stopped caring.

For me, I am the way life has tamed me. I might be emotionless, egoistic, rude, emotionless or anything. It’s your perception about me, and I can’t do anything about it. But don’t give me hopes, don’t talk about me or regarding my presence in your life to someone associated with us and I get to know from them. If you want to say something, tell it to me right at my face I won’t feel offended. Don’t be surprised when I get worried about the people in my life, even though I don’t show any emotions I’m very protective when it comes to my people. I loved the old me but I wasn’t practical, the new me is just a reflection of how I’m treated. The people around me and situations I have been through have made me think this way. Maybe it isn’t it pleasing and convenient but this way I’m not hurt every now and then. So I prefer being this way because I now care more about me than others, as that phase of me putting everybody else before me has passed long time ago.

And after all this expansion they asked me if I'd like to stand for their president election, apparently the fishes are asking for freedom and cleanliness so they believe if I become their president the fish would never get cleanliness. But on the other hand, the fish is making our cat to stand for them, apparently over the period of time they became friends and since I don't clean his bowl he's very angry.

You’ve been putting off cleaning your late fishes aquarium. Today the algae did its first space flight test.

I plug in my earphones with no music switched on

The night slowly turned mellow.

The embrace of my best friend's mother

and the timing of my google photo notifications

just feels like a hug and a salp at the same time.

I gaze at pictures of the sky,

my phone chimes again

It's the reminder I had set to call my parents.

I swipe it away and brush off my thoughts

I do not have the energy to dial the number

and deal with both of them.

I continue looking at the image from last year,

a time when I was at a stranger's house

as I didn't wanna go home

I saw how juggling between multiple things,

multitasking, studying and working

were all pins to my shoulder

pinned with pride and a pinch of salt.

I remember how I was happy for the lack of time

to think, to feel and to contemplate.

But then going home, going back to that house

having to live with the person

whose house I left years ago.

scared me in a way I didn't know of

It made me want to leave even before reaching

It made me want the plane to crash

the car to stumble

the road to split.

It scared me that staying under the same roof

would scratch wounds that had become scars

would lead to conversations that would end to fights

I reached the building she called home and I called house

I remember how she would want to embrace me in a hug and I'd stand still

I remember how she wanted to know the people in my life

and how she wasn't a part of it

I remember how she had faded from all of it

While I stab my toe on the way to find my notebook to scribble this down

My phone chimes of the reminder to sleep

I still stare at the notification.

I miss the person I don't want in life.