What Makes You Think

I look through the window, to find many other buildings.

While I'm lighting my candle, sipping my chai

I see a hundred other things that's going on

A man maybe in his 30s sits infront of a laptop and works all day, he sometimes cribs and get up, but the call holds him back and he gets back to work

I see this young couple from another window, who have fairy lights and white curtains.

Every night they are in each other's arms having a movie marathon

I look away and my eye lands on the woman who has 2 children running around her all the time, while the toddler paints the house with his crayon the other child plugs in the headphone and sits for class. I see childhood smashed there in front of screens and I let out a sigh.

I wonder if someone looks through my window and sees me sometimes dancing to the tunes, and other times cooking to the same tunes.

While sometimes I try to get some work done, other days I wake up in the afternoon.

I wonder sometimes if someone looks through my window and says, that girl has always music to muse to.

I wonder if someone knows that I plug in to my earphones all the time because I can't be left alone with my thoughts.

I wonder if someone sees me through my window and wonders how days in my life are.

When someone asks me how my days go, I have no answers, because there is no more a normal day, a routine or a purpose. There is nothing I look forward to, or something I do.

A normal day in my life isn't normal anymore.

Image from: @a-small-startup

And when the one person is gone you never expected to lose you’re left wondering why. Trying to figure out what pushed them away, wondering what you have done wrong over and over again. Everything you’ve ever said, everything you’ve ever done is repeating all over in your head trying to make sense of it, but you can’t no matter how hard you try and it hurts so badly. You still want to tell them everything that happens in your life and the realization that they’re no part of it anymore feels like being stabbed in the chest repeatedly. And trying to accept this is hard because you can’t get them out of your mind, missing them so badly and it hurts, it hurts so terribly.

I’m sorry. (via painfully-isolated)

Everything that is happening right now

Snowy....

These human beings are so strange. They love you so much that they try to chain you down. They think only if you can hold on to something, maybe someone only then love remains.

Well, I love them too. They say, a dog is the most loyal animal, a man’s best friend. I am loyal to my humans, and I have been their best friend.

It’s funny, they think they can chain me down and love me more.

Yeah I know this is all very confusing to understand as to what is happening. I’ll begin from the beginning.

So, I’m Snowy; a white Pomeranian. I know not a creative name, but I like it now. I was 3 weeks old when I saw this beautiful family of human beings. A man, a woman, and a tiny human, all riding in a bike together. Cute..

I thought they’d feed me, so I went in front of the bike, they stopped but before that, they hurt me. I got hit by the bike. It did hurt, a lot. I was screaming, howling to be precise. They took good care of me. They cared a lot. I kept hearing them saying, I saved their life. Apparently, there was a stone in front of the bike and because I came in front they got saved. Otherwise they would have got hurt it seems.

So, now I’m theirs, just like that. They picked me up and I’m theirs. Named me Snowy, it was a silly name in the beginning, but now it’s nice. There is love when they call me Snowy. Cute...

Soon, I got a collar, a chain and a new home. I started marking my territory. I peed in all the poles and corners, so that no one else came in. There is this another human, the one who always wears the blue shirt, who always stays next to the tall iron wall. He help-s me keep my territory mine. He doesn't allow other dogs to come in. He help[s me keep my territory mine. My blue human.

A lot of people come here and everyone loves me. Not bragging or anything, but I am cute. You know the type girls like. So ya, I get a lot of attention. I see a lot of other dogs, trying to come in, trying to be friends with me, trying to scare me. At first i wouldn’t allow, but then I needed some friends.

But the actual problems was during the nights. Now, we dogs love nights. The phrase shouldn’t be night owl, rather night dogs. because we are the guards of dogs, we are the night owls, I mean the night dogs.

But these humans, they are so boring. They sleep at night, and they don’t bother much, so at night the other big dogs, they come to my place, they try to mark my territory as theirs. I bark and bark until they leave, I howl I scream. But this happens every night and the humans don’t like it.

I am 2 years old now. All grown up and there is this another tiny human in the house. A little cuter than me. He gets all the attention now, doesn’t like me much, and now I’m not allowed inside the house. I like this tiny human, but I’m not allowed to be close to him. I wonder why.

I go wandering to find some cute dogs, friendly dogs, some nice dogs, I really need someone to spend time with.

One time I was walking around and this human just took me away. I don’t understand these humans, they think they can just pick me up and take me home. Like I’m this thing they can possess. I was chained there for a few nights and one night I got the chance to run away. I came back to my humans. told you I was loyal, again there was so much love, but there was something missing. No dog understood me. There are a lot of humans who really like me, but these humans don’t understand me.

That’s when I saw this cute little girl dog. she was heavenly beautiful. She crawled in at night and ate my leftover food, I didn’t feel like barking, her puppy eyes, wagging tail... it was just beautiful. She was so adorable, like that little human.

She started coming every night from then on and I started leaving some food for her every night. But for some odd reason, she seemed very scared. It seemed like someone had hurt her. She licked me to say thank you. I sat her down and asked her one time, why she was scared and what happened. She didn’t wanna talk and just gave out a meek bark. I respected that, so I never asked her again. It’s up to her, but I assured her that she would be safe around me and my humans. Since then she’s always around me. She goes out to meet some other friends and come back at night when no humans are around, tells me everything that happened during the day, and just like that I become a part of her adventure and she became a part of my life. Eventually they found out but accepted her, and I told you right, those eyes have a charm!

Then we’ve always been around. I went out again and those huge scary dogs, they started barking and started chasing me away. I started running and everywhere it was the same, those huge dogs. They just couldn’t stop barking. I ran and ran and came near this car. It stopped and the humans gave me food and again those humans thought they can take me home, and just like that I was in their house. I was gone again. I didn’t know where I was, what I was doing. I was chained, taken care of, fed properly, loved. But I was chained. I wanted to go back to my humans.

I had to leave, I just had to, after a long time, many nights, they take me back to my humans. It was strange, they loved me and still just gave me away.

My humans, they kept asking me why I left, I told them, I barked and barked, I told them I was chased but they didn’t listen to me. I mean how would they, these humans only hear only what they want to hear. Ever since then, I’m chained. They say it’s for my own good. I can’t walk more than 8 feet, this chain, it pulls me back, pulls me down. Remember that puppy, she still comes visit me. She has grown up a little now, but those puppy eyes, they still are the same. She licked my face as soon as she saw me. Told me how much these human were worried. I told I went to see the world she always used to tell me about. The outside world.

Now I’m struck in my own world. These humans, they’re strange. They think in the name of love, they can lock me down and say it’s all for my own good. They say they love me unconditionally and put me under conditions. These humans, they love in a strange way.

I never saw her like this before.

She has never been so vulnerable before

.

I never knew that an old chord like this

Would stir up so much.

.

I have never heard him like that

All so messed up yet so clear about what was going on.

.

They should both just go on

Move their separate paths.....

Actually they have.

.

It's just old chords like these.

Because

Some voices just brings in memories

And some people bring back a smile

And they are the ones like that.

.

And they would always be like that.

No matter what,

Some times, some things, and some memories never change

I've always been alone. Especially at nights. The loneliness strikes hard on nights I cry, screeming into my pillow. In those pitch dark nights the one gleam of light that fills my room slowly and beautifully is the moon. Irrespective of how it is, where it is, the moon comes to me. Through my window the comfort I get is the warmth of a mother and the company of a friend. On moonless nights it's as if the moon hands me over to the stars, they shine so bright and I wait for the moon to come to me. I wait for the moon to come to me.

I seek organization in my chaos

I constantly live in chaos but seek organization. I envy those who do great but am not jealous. I love it when someone compliments me, but don't know how to react. I love the fact that I am liked and disliked by a lot of people at the same time.

And all these thoughts bring about a lot of question in my mind. I have been aloof in a long while about everything. I have been pushing away deadlines, stay awake and do nothing. I have wasted my time and energy doing nothing as if I have got nothing.

There is indeed a lot of things I want to do. And that question I was talking about which haunts me is "where is all this leading to?"

I am completely insane about the fact that I have a lot of errands to run and I am still aloof.

It is actually astonishing and weird that I notice all the chaos in life and still do nothing about it. But I know that I am seeking for organization. But something, some force, maybe the biggest enemy of mine is pulling me down. "Laziness"

Its completely strange and crazy to say this, but I think I am responsible for my failure, it is my stupidity of all that makes me react and overreact to unnecessary, well let's say not so important things in life. I am angry at someone for being good and dissapointed in me for staying aloof.

I am not pinpointing anything or infact pinpointing myself. I think its the 3:30 am thoughts. Maybe sleeplessness. Maybe the disturbance in my head. But again there is peace and a sence of calmness in my head. I guess I have a clear head now and the morning would be without the laziness and the aloofness. I guess I'll be fine the first thing in the morning.

I guess its all in your head. And yet again I seek organization in my chaos.

he thinks he gave me scars,

scratched the old ones.

he has not given me tears, because all he has given me is  happiness beyond words

the intensity of your love is what brings me closer to you, closer to your love and beyond all to life

I know I cried. I know I should not have. 

but that’s what i am. 

tears are my mates and sadness my pal. 

you have not brought them to me, they stayed from before.

I am healed not from what happened today, but I am healed from my old scars, not by time but by your love.

so my love, don’t take the blame, take credit for bringing me back to life,

coz, i owe this to you and your love

in love with this

Road.

Two roads diverged,

like the Robert frost poem.

I reckon, I chose the right one.

The one that took me, lands away,

showed me a small glimpse of

what the Eden looks like.

Verdure, the road beholds nothing

but lustful verdure on both sides.

I felt like I was drowning,

I felt like I was in middle of

a boisterous ocean.

A ocean, big, but not blue.

I confronted things I had never ever

felt in the bustle city life on mine.

I witness greenery, a sheer flora.

Like a big green mattress

laid vastly infront of me.

I felt like a small lost little ant

looking from sugar crumbs

moving back and forth

in that mattress.

I didn’t know how long I’d been there.

Probably hours, but I realized one thing,

All these days in the cantankerous life

I had had, I had lived like a man

who was allergic to oxygen.

I though maybe I should pack

something with me. It should not be

the oxygen, it should not be

that seducing frondescence,

it should not be the dangling harvests

It should be something that reminds me

what I withstood that moment.

Instead of all the alluring things out there

I chose the tamest one,

It was the picturesque memories

that I bagged wishing secretly that

I could cherish it every day.

- lsr

We seem to often complain that life seems strange. Well, life IS strange. There is really nothing we can do about it. In life everything is a surprise, we say that all we have is the present, but guess what we even ruin that. Coz, we don’t know what we are gonna end up doing.

I am not depressed right now, I am not angry either, for me this was a surprise. But somewhere deep down the lane, I knew that I would burst out, that I would lend a shoulder to cry on like I did last night, and that I would burst out the next day.

“It’s too good to be true.” It indeed is. How can you just agree to anything that someone says? What about your perspective then?

What about taking care of yourself, when are you planning to do that? I have done the same thing that you do. The same question is what rings in my mind all the time “what would they be going through?” BUT YOU SHOULD FUCKING STOP. In this long and tiring process of taking care of others, we lose our self. Because like we do, nobody in the fucking world cares. I know it’s not easy to change, but when you can change for good, why not?

Why would you want to keep stumbling upon the same stones that you always have? Why?

I know there are a lot of questions I am asking you here. I know. But these are questions you should ask yourself. I just am asking it so that it rings a bell.

I was the same as you. Talking care of other people’s feelings, their thoughts, what they would feel, and how they would have been feeling at that moment. But who are we to decide that? Everybody in life has shit to deal with, and it is their problem not ours. We need to have a grip on us, our feelings, our thoughts, what we are going through, because only then can you have a clear perspective about what you want.

Compromises for others are to be made in life all the time, but that doesn’t mean that we just keeping pushing our feelings in to that deep pit. Nope. We don’t do that and moreover we shouldn’t.

I don’t know what you feel, what you think because you don’t say and all you do is just agree with whatever shit I say. I may make sense, I might ever be right, not for you but for me. So stop doing things for me, stop agreeing with me and start giving respect to what you feel and you.

I see this building everyday

Standing tall and bold

And every time I pass it,

I feel it has something to tell me

I wish it had emotions

Because people around me do not

Even if they have they don’t show anymore just to me but to anybody

Emoticons today express emotions better than faces

And buildings speak more than people

Maybe I’m paranoid

Seeking emotions in objects

But trust me

People don’t show emotions anymore

The faces look pale and eyes moist

The mouth opens to speak

But lips close and a vague smile pops

It’s difficult to know

You seem fine but you’re not

You seem stable but you’re not

It’s hard to understand

Because you don’t speak

Nor do you smile

All I see is a vague smile that’s hiding

All the emotions I want to know

I wish you burst out

Because the building I see shows more emotions than you do

I connect to it more that I do to you