I'm Selfish, Crude, Rude, And Abnoxious, Disgusting, Judgmental And All Kinds Of Stupid; I Make Mistakes

Dazai Chronicles Episode 3 guys

Idk, I just felt that it was funny. He wouldn't react this way but it'd be funny if he did lol

I have a mouse plushie, y'know, the Mouse Wants a Cookie plush, hanging over my bed. I wrapped yarn around its neck, stitched it through its throat, and bound its arms behind his back, then tied him to the top of my window to hang over my bed as a sign of my hatred and wrath. I was 15 when I did this. I had a mental breakdown and thank God I didn't give in to the devil's whispers to kill myself and take my mom with me. I had struggled with suicidal thoughts before, around 7 to 8 years old, and my relationship with, honestly everyone, especially my mom did not help. I felt very misunderstood, weird, wrong, unwanted, and like I was a mistake, something not deserving of the title human because I lacked something, that something in question nobody would tell me about. I prayed only when I was asking to die, I cried at night, had episodes of depression, had spent a year or so forcing myself to never cry and denying myself the right to feel sad, bottled up all my emotions and confusion for my whole life, never had an outlet, and my only coping mechanism was to watch funny videos on youtube.

That was me. Not even a full year ago.

Ever since I accepted Jesus into my life and just surrendered it all to him, I've never had that rage since. I haven't cried at night, or had depressive episodes, or suicidal thoughts, and I would never want any harm to befall my mom. I feel like if I have feelings of sadness or anger, I can take it to God. I no longer feel inhuman and wrong, but valid and loved. My coping mechanism still inckudes funny videos, but also to pray and ask God for help.

God has protected and saved me in an unfathomable way, and I can testify that He works. I'm not a Christian because I was raised in the church. My whole life until a few months ago, I had never touched a bible, never fasted, never truly prayed, and didn't even care to believe, hoping I could be some magical exception. My parents took us to church, but never explained God's goodness, so we were blind to him, seeing him only as a religous figure we follow by tradition. I can testify to you because my faith is my own, and I am this way only because I have seen Him with my own eyes. Literally. I saw Him. I spoke to Him. I touched Him. I heard Him. Even after literally speaking to God, I didn't give myself to him. It took a year or so for that. I felt a pang one day in my soul that if I were to die that day, I would certaintly go to hell. It was like a punch to the stomach of loneliness. I knew what it was and it couldn't be mistaken for anything else. I was far from God and my soul was lonely for its creator. I had already been blessed in all that I did as a child, but afterward, I saw all his miracles in my life and noticed the good hand that feeds me. I am fullfilled and only in Christ do I feel content. I tried everything. I tried friends, family, social media, new looks, experimenting with my sexuality and orientation, self indulgance, and nothing worked. They were all temporary and made me feel worse in the longrun. Only in Jesus have I found peace even in a storm.

So try Him out! He works miracles, I promise.

I love how if a christian simply states that LGBTQ is a sin and against God's will, like not shaming or condeming or insulting the person nor the group, but just not agreeing or engaging in their activities, they are immediently the scum of the Earth and become a Judgy jerk. I also love that if literally anybody mocks and belittles the christian faith and scorns it and it's believers while dragging our traditions, holidays and saviour in the dirt while marketing it as some fat old man with a sack of presents, a dumb mutant bunny that lays eggs, or even using the symbol of peace from our God as their sign of pride, most less out of spite than others I will 100% admit, it's just funny and totally acceptable. Oh wait, no. I don't love it. I hate it. I hate it a lot.

I hate how God is a banned topic of discussion in public.

I hate how we are forced to agree to something people know we cannot support or we are labeled as disgusting.

I hate how saying Jesus loves you is an insult to people.

I hate how christian social persecution is so popular yet so unrecognized because it is a big religoun.

I hate how people always feel the need to throw shade and hate to the majority groups simply because of a past and a minority they possess.

I don't just mean christians, I mean all of them.

I hate how everybody dogs on white people because their ancestors used to be racist.

I hate how they are denied the rights to experience other people's cultures simply because of their skin.

I hate how minority groups sometimes abuse and missuse the hard work of their ancestors by using their skin color as a pass to say and do anything.

I hate how every tiny inconvenience ends with a "because I'm XYZ" when it has nothing to do with XYZ.

I hate that I have to tell people of my OWN race that they should stop being jerks to white people and stop picking fights with them if they want to put weave in their hair.

I hate how people think it's ok to say racist things about white people but when a white person says something to you, it's a problem.

I hate how black people can take on "white" characteristics but when a white person does it it's gross.

I hate how people only see two races when there are so many more.

I hate how it's all about black rep, and I love that I do, but when it takes it too far and now anything not containing a black person in it is discriminatory.

I hate how people expect anime and gaming industries from eastern countries to show black people when the people in the region are majority asian.

I hate how people are ok blackwashing characters but not whitewashing them, or even making them lightskinned.

I hate how people blackwash characters that are ALREADY A MINORITY like in anime because the characters are ASIAN.

I hate how people refuse to give representation to races that aren't black, like Eastern asians, southern asians, island pacificers, hespanics, middle eastern, etc.

I hate how when people say we are in a world where we have started accepting our differences, they are lying.

They are lying because accepting and ignoring are two different things.

Accepting them would be talking about things we don't agree on in regular conversations, welcoming friendly debate, not having to be afraid to say something out of fear of not agreeing with a social norm, not facing social persecution.

Today we do not have that.

Today we ignore our differences.

We avoid religous talk, political talk, saying we dislike a movie everyone else loves, saying we like a genre nobody else likes, hobbies other's could find a little odd like, mentioning family situations, mentioning, disagreeing with social norms, and so much more.

I hate it so much.

And I hate that the world doesn't hate it.

I think I went insane. I...I must be. I made a seperate account last night to post art on, to make this channel consistant with the gospel...and I posted on it. I know I did. But now it' like it never existed. I can't find the art, or my account. The account comes off as unregistered and I'm tweaking. Did I go mental and dream me doing that? No, I couldn't have. I specifically remember being interupted while choosing what art to post when I was forced to buy groceries by my Dad....This is like a murder mystery case and I'm oddly intruiged and mildly annoyed.

🤔

If Fyoder killed himself, would he just....respawn? Like he did the crime, so now he has to do the time right?

I just went to sweet frogs and on the way and my family was discussing politics and how America may or may not survive these 4 years long enough to fix it back up. It had gotten me pretty down cuz it looked pretty grim when this happened:

Mom: Don't be so down, at least you're still here.

Me: Yeah, but for how long?

Mom: As long as Jesus says so.

The moment she said that, I felt so much better. I had forgotten who was in control. But knowing nothing can happen unless God let's it happen makes me feel sooo much better.

God works :)

I used to pray almost every week to God to kill me in my sleep. I used to get on my hands and knees on the top of my staircase and beg for death. I was maybe around 8 at the time. I wasn't even in middle school. Everyday I'd ake up and feel dissapointed. I'd lay in my bed a bit more cuz I didn't want to get up and llive another day. Can you imagine a child so young begging you to kill them? Can you imagine your child asking that? I used to go my life wanting to die everyday because I was depressed. I was bored. I was scared. I honestly didn't even want to die; I just didn't want to live. But now, I've changed. I don't wish for death but I'm not as scared as I used to be. I mean, I'm not inviting death to knock on my doors, but I have this thirst to be done with this life. I'm bored but only because I know this life pales in comparrison to what comes after. I'm bored because I just want nothing more than to run and hug Jesus physically and directly, in his face, say thank you over and over and over again. I can't imagine what he must've felt as his child, such a young one too, begged him to take her life only because she was too coward to do it herself. Also, I didn't mention that those were the only times I talked to God at all back then. God truly changed me. That isn't all, it truly isn't! I also have had this....situation where everyone around me felt different. At first I felt like the only normal person and everyone else was an NPC, but then I started to realize the only reason they looked like NPCs to me was because they all had some invisible thing or trait in common. I still to this day have no clue what it is, but It was something like this fundemental rule to being human. But I didn't have it. I had the body of a human, the brain of a human, the intelligence of a human...for the most part, but this thing, this thing I lacked. I copied different people constantly to try and figure out what it was but all I gained was an identity crisis. I panicked and cried for a while because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I always knew the people around me were different in a way I couldn't relate, but it all came together, or rather, fell apart when someone very close to me verbally told me something was wrong with me...multiple times. I've been speculated before that I could be on the spectrum. At first I was thought to have ADHD, both kinds. Then I was suspected to have Autism as well as sensory issues. I asked to be tested but still, it isn't really worth the time, money, and effort to others, so I am still unsure. Honestly I hoped this was the case because I'd finally have a reason as to why I'm this way and so that it'd prove nothing was wrong with me. Now, I still struggle a bit with this one simply because I truly want to just know myself. I have someone who understands me. In fact, He made me. And he doesn't make mistakes. I am no misfunction. There is nothing wrong with me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and only in christ did I figure that out. He is the only confromation I need. God changes people in ways you never would've guessed.

"I don't have enough faith to be an athiest."

A line I've heard but never delved into. But I thought about it and came to that exact conclusion. I don't have the faith to be an athiest. Those words don't sound right together but they're very closely related. One day, we'll all die. Our sisters, our brothers, moms, dads, children, friends, etc. But nobody knows what happens when we die except the dead. Theists belive there is something after death, whether heaven, hell, reincarnation, divinity, whatever other beliefs are out there. Athiests believe there is...nothing. Just a big dirt nap. Now, life is a very big bet. You gamble all you have on the way you live and what you do.

The consequence of being a theist and being wrong is nothing because while we may have "wasted" our lives, we were happy with our choices. If we weren't happy, we can't even regret it because we'll be dead. Unable to think or feel. But the consequence of being an athiest and being wrong is in some cases, small and trivial, and sometimes very big and excruciating. Like hell. Y'know, the pit of everlasting flames where teeth gnash, souls weep, and flesh burns but does not decay. For eternity. The benefit of being an athiest and being right is a fun and wild time on Earth for about 80 years (if your lucky) that you'll forget once you croak. The benefit of being a theist and being right is living a life with hope and purpose and then getting whatever benefit there is to that religon, which is a perfect world with a perfect God in christianity once you die. Does that sound like equal pay equal reward to you?

You need to have the upmost faith in the belief that there is nothingness after death to be an athiest or you waste not these 80 years you love so badly, but the eternity afterward. You stake your body, your life, your future and your soul on it. You risk an eternity and afterlife in burning flames to believe it.

No matter what, we will all face death and we will all have to make a bet on something or someone. Atheism isn't a way of not betting at all, it's betting on there being no answer to the question, no number on the dice being thrown. Believing in every God and religon is betting on every answer being right, betting that every number is the right bet, which is contradictory and completely false. It's not a way out, it's either you turned off your brain and used "I want proof" as an escape route, or you genuinlly have the faith to be able to say you are willing to risk hell and eternal flames and firmly believe that there is nothing after death. That is a lot of faith. More faith than I have.

The only bet a theist has to make is on who they believe. They have 4000 somethin options but only one can be true. God has given me all the reason I need to follow Him, and so I will do just that.

But yeah. I don't have the faith to be an athiest.

A complimation of EVERY bsd art I've ever done (except for the Dazai Chronicles)

Ok this one doesn't really count because it's an animation, that I have yet to finish, but here's a screenshot.

The order is the 1st one, the 4th one, the 3rd one, the 5th one, the 2nd one, the 8th one, the 7th one, and then the 6th one from oldest to newest. Couldn't figure out how to put it in order sooo. :/

I love looking back at old art and just seeing how far I've come. Sometimes I feel like I just suck at art and that I'll never improve or be how I want to be, but then I look back and realize I'm just being stupid. I already improved such a significant amount from when I first started. Why can't I improve now?

When it comes to art, people like to put limits on themselves, but honestly, there are no limits with art. It's something almost anyone can do. I say almost because the only people who literally can't make visual art are people paralyzed from the neck down or dead people. I've seen blind people make art. I've seen people with no arms make art. I've seen people who are blind and have no arms make art. Ok, that's not true, but I'm sure a blind and armless artist exists somewhere.

You will never be your best at art because with every drawing, you improve. To you, it may look ugly today, but in a year, it'll be so much better. This post isn't a very good example because I lack consistensy in my style, and so it looks worse sometimes, but still.

Also, can you tell that I like Chuuya and Dazai? I tried drawing Atsushi and Aktugawa once but um. I didn't finish that. Oh but, I also tried making a Lucy x Atsushi animatic if that counts. I didn't finish that either.

I can't be the only one who fangirls at the sight of a fellow christian bro.