The Dazai Chronicles Are Reminding Me Of Which One Of Us Is Hikaru?" From Ohshc/pos

I'm selfish, crude, rude, and abnoxious, disgusting, judgmental and all kinds of stupid; I make mistakes and lie about them, blame others and life; I sin and I hurt and I scream and I cry. I am no different from you in this regard. I am a human; I'm an idiot. We kind of all are. The only difference from me and Satan is that I know my sins; I give them to God and He takes them. He knows my sins, my pride, my hate. He takes them and kills them on a big cross shaped plank. I am a sinner, there is no confusion, questions or doubt. But He is my redeemer, my saviour, and it is only in Him that I am found.

(Didn't mean for this to turn into some poem, but it kind of started rhyming and I just went with it lol)

Idk, I just thought of it lol

God doesn't send people to hell. God is like light and hell is like darkness. Darkness is nothing but the absence of light, and hell is just the absence of God. When you refuse to accept God into your life and accept His promises and gifts, then you choose to be seperate from Him. Hell is a seperation from God. It wasn't even meant for you, it was meant for the devil and his followers, the ones who dared cross God and attempt to bring His children with them. So, He doesn't send you there, you send yourself by not choosing life.

Literally who does the devil think he is? He fell from heaven after FAILING to overthrow God, was sent to hell to suffer for eternity, decides to take humanity with him, and yet FAILS at that too.

Us humans are weak. The devil is certainly stronger than us, after all, he is still that of a divine being even though he's worth less than my pocket lint. But what does that matter when we're not even fighting him? Does it really matter when he's in a battle of strength against God?

He'll keep failing. Our only job is to focus on God and know the enemy lies.

I have a mouse plushie, y'know, the Mouse Wants a Cookie plush, hanging over my bed. I wrapped yarn around its neck, stitched it through its throat, and bound its arms behind his back, then tied him to the top of my window to hang over my bed as a sign of my hatred and wrath. I was 15 when I did this. I had a mental breakdown and thank God I didn't give in to the devil's whispers to kill myself and take my mom with me. I had struggled with suicidal thoughts before, around 7 to 8 years old, and my relationship with, honestly everyone, especially my mom did not help. I felt very misunderstood, weird, wrong, unwanted, and like I was a mistake, something not deserving of the title human because I lacked something, that something in question nobody would tell me about. I prayed only when I was asking to die, I cried at night, had episodes of depression, had spent a year or so forcing myself to never cry and denying myself the right to feel sad, bottled up all my emotions and confusion for my whole life, never had an outlet, and my only coping mechanism was to watch funny videos on youtube.

That was me. Not even a full year ago.

Ever since I accepted Jesus into my life and just surrendered it all to him, I've never had that rage since. I haven't cried at night, or had depressive episodes, or suicidal thoughts, and I would never want any harm to befall my mom. I feel like if I have feelings of sadness or anger, I can take it to God. I no longer feel inhuman and wrong, but valid and loved. My coping mechanism still inckudes funny videos, but also to pray and ask God for help.

God has protected and saved me in an unfathomable way, and I can testify that He works. I'm not a Christian because I was raised in the church. My whole life until a few months ago, I had never touched a bible, never fasted, never truly prayed, and didn't even care to believe, hoping I could be some magical exception. My parents took us to church, but never explained God's goodness, so we were blind to him, seeing him only as a religous figure we follow by tradition. I can testify to you because my faith is my own, and I am this way only because I have seen Him with my own eyes. Literally. I saw Him. I spoke to Him. I touched Him. I heard Him. Even after literally speaking to God, I didn't give myself to him. It took a year or so for that. I felt a pang one day in my soul that if I were to die that day, I would certaintly go to hell. It was like a punch to the stomach of loneliness. I knew what it was and it couldn't be mistaken for anything else. I was far from God and my soul was lonely for its creator. I had already been blessed in all that I did as a child, but afterward, I saw all his miracles in my life and noticed the good hand that feeds me. I am fullfilled and only in Christ do I feel content. I tried everything. I tried friends, family, social media, new looks, experimenting with my sexuality and orientation, self indulgance, and nothing worked. They were all temporary and made me feel worse in the longrun. Only in Jesus have I found peace even in a storm.

So try Him out! He works miracles, I promise.

I used to pray almost every week to God to kill me in my sleep. I used to get on my hands and knees on the top of my staircase and beg for death. I was maybe around 8 at the time. I wasn't even in middle school. Everyday I'd ake up and feel dissapointed. I'd lay in my bed a bit more cuz I didn't want to get up and llive another day. Can you imagine a child so young begging you to kill them? Can you imagine your child asking that? I used to go my life wanting to die everyday because I was depressed. I was bored. I was scared. I honestly didn't even want to die; I just didn't want to live. But now, I've changed. I don't wish for death but I'm not as scared as I used to be. I mean, I'm not inviting death to knock on my doors, but I have this thirst to be done with this life. I'm bored but only because I know this life pales in comparrison to what comes after. I'm bored because I just want nothing more than to run and hug Jesus physically and directly, in his face, say thank you over and over and over again. I can't imagine what he must've felt as his child, such a young one too, begged him to take her life only because she was too coward to do it herself. Also, I didn't mention that those were the only times I talked to God at all back then. God truly changed me. That isn't all, it truly isn't! I also have had this....situation where everyone around me felt different. At first I felt like the only normal person and everyone else was an NPC, but then I started to realize the only reason they looked like NPCs to me was because they all had some invisible thing or trait in common. I still to this day have no clue what it is, but It was something like this fundemental rule to being human. But I didn't have it. I had the body of a human, the brain of a human, the intelligence of a human...for the most part, but this thing, this thing I lacked. I copied different people constantly to try and figure out what it was but all I gained was an identity crisis. I panicked and cried for a while because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I always knew the people around me were different in a way I couldn't relate, but it all came together, or rather, fell apart when someone very close to me verbally told me something was wrong with me...multiple times. I've been speculated before that I could be on the spectrum. At first I was thought to have ADHD, both kinds. Then I was suspected to have Autism as well as sensory issues. I asked to be tested but still, it isn't really worth the time, money, and effort to others, so I am still unsure. Honestly I hoped this was the case because I'd finally have a reason as to why I'm this way and so that it'd prove nothing was wrong with me. Now, I still struggle a bit with this one simply because I truly want to just know myself. I have someone who understands me. In fact, He made me. And he doesn't make mistakes. I am no misfunction. There is nothing wrong with me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and only in christ did I figure that out. He is the only confromation I need. God changes people in ways you never would've guessed.

The tragedy of Dickle

Just read my daily trash of counts family novel and omg. I thought I've seen it all. When thinking about the question "what is the worst thing a parent can do to their child", people, including me usually think of murder, any and all abuse, and abandonment. No. I found something SO much worse in this novel and I am just so apalled. This couple named their son DICKLE. YES. DICKLE. IT RHYMES WITH TICKLE AND PICKLE TOO. Honestly, murder looks like a fafor in comparison bro, aint no way.

Morale of the story: DON'T NAME YOUR CHILDREN DICKLE PLEASE. I know some of yall wanna be unique and name them weird things or after anime characters but please. Do. Not. Name. Them. DICKLE.

I love many things in this show. Story, jokes, culture, characters, art style, even the sometimes ear wrenching dub, but none of it tops my man Wolfram over here. He's my favorite, yes, because he's a typical pretty boy, but also because he has this dumb ability to be the damsel in distress every dang episode. Like he's a literal genderbended princess peach at this point. I recommend watching the show, so I don't wanna spoil it for people. If you wanna see the dumb list of events this poor prince has been through, continue further.

• Proposed to by a stranger, a human no less (at war with humans and to his kind, they're seen as mean and ugly creatures)

• Be strangled by a water dragon by fiancé

• Fall into a sandpit while being attacked by a huge bear.

• Always falls sick when in human territory

•Went missing

•Attacked by bandits at least 10 times in just the 1st season out of 3

•Always seasick

•Kidnapped about 3 times from the top of my head, yes its been more

•MULTIPLE CASES OF LITERAL POSSESION, they just can't keep they're hands off his poor delicate body

• LITERAL DEATH. YES. HE DIED. LIKE DED. HEART STOPPED, NO PRANK, COLD AS ICE, DED

• Held captive

•In the manga he had a coma possesion

•Getting his literal heart stolen. Literally. Like reach into his chest and take out the organ. I'm not talking about him falling in love with Yuuri

• In the novel, Yuuri stabbed him

• Yuuri almost obliterated him

• Got shot with an arrow

• This btw is off the top of my head, meaning out of the 3 seasons, this isn't even all of it.

Non Stop Grind

Have been drawing everyday, all day, every night, all night for the past 3 days. Almost done with my refs (not really) and already have my layout for my attacks (not finished cuz it's against the rules). I have been in a major art block for sooo long so this was SO REFRESHING

It's ok to say I don't know

I don't know. I don't know a lot of things and that's ok. Some things are meant to stay unknown and that is fine. I don't know why God let's people suffer. I could say it strengthens you. I could say it's part of a bigger plan that will do wonders for you or someone else down the line. I could say it's to show you a reality you were blind to prior. I could say He was testing you. But I don't know. There could be a number of reasons, but I don't know. Nobody knows. And we don't need to. We don't need to know why children die of cancer. We don't need to know why there is so much sickness. We don't need to know why there are drouts or floods, hunger or starvation. We just need to know one thing:

That God knows

And that's called faith