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How Dare You Make Me Cry - Blog Posts
Steve is staring. That in itself is nothing new, he does that sometimes, and Eddie just lets him. He knows that Steve sometimes lets his mind wander off into a quieter existence, especially when they hang out together.
Secretly, Eddie likes it when Steve stares like that. In that quiet way of his, the safe way, projecting comfort and calm. It’s endearing. Eddie will read or grab his guitar and strum a few gentle chords, plucking at the strings in search for a new melody.
And then Steve will always come back and smile at him.
So, really, Steve staring is nothing new.
What’s new is that he’s staring at Eddie, his eyes far from unseeing, his mind not at all zoned out into another dimension where none of the bullshit happened.
He’s not even sure Steve is aware of it, but when Eddie meets his eyes for the fifth time in the past few minutes, he can’t help himself as he starts to squirm.
“What?”
And Steve just smiles. It’s hidden, like most of them, but Eddie can see the exploring wonderment in his eyes make way to affection and fondness. It makes his heart fucking flutter.
“Just thinking.”
“Uh-huh,” Eddie says, putting away his book and facing Steve properly where they’re both sitting on opposite ends of the couch. “And you need my face for that?”
Instead of an answer, Eddie only gets more staring, though Steve’s eyes are wandering now. Slowly. And decidedly non-sexual. Like he’s looking. Watching. Seeing.
The idea of being seen has always made Eddie uncomfortable, because no one ever had. No one ever tried.
And here Steve is. Staring.
Eddie looks away.
“Have you ever…” Steve begins, then stops. Tries again. “Do you ever just meet someone and they… They somehow make your entire life make sense? Like, your life never sucked or anything, and you never even knew there was anything missing, but then they’re they are where they weren’t before, and you just think to yourself. This is it. This is how my life is getting better, this is how everything, everything, will make just a little bit of sense. And you were never quite whole, and maybe you’re not whole now, but being a little bit broken is suddenly okay now because they get it? And they’re there. And just…”
Steve stops and shrugs like Eddie’s heart isn’t beating a mile a minute, like he isn’t saying what Eddie is pretty sure he’s saying right now. Like his voice hasn’t grown more and more tender with each word.
Steve swallows and finally, finally stops staring even though Eddie never wants him to stop.
“And then you realise this is it. This is it. You don’t want change anymore, you don’t want life to move on. You just want them. And suddenly nothing matters because they’re everything. And they’re here. With you.”
Silence falls, and an eternity passes before Steve meets his eyes again.
A small smile tugs at his lips and he adds, “Even though you never liked heavy metal.”
The laugh that bubbles out of Eddie might be more of a sob, but he doesn’t care. Now he’s the one staring, his eyes wet and his heart somewhere between heavy and light, beating as though it were trying to escape him and nestle itself inside Steve’s chest instead. It already has, months ago.
And for once in his life, Eddie doesn’t have words. Not on his mind, not on his tongue, not in the air between them.
There is only Steve. Steve, Steve, Steve. And his adorable little smile as he keeps looking at him, keeps seeing.
Eddie just nods. Slowly, haltingly, he nods. Because yes. Yes, he has met this person. Is looking at him, finding beauty where he should be terrified, finding hope where there should only be trauma, and finding love where there should be too much history.
“Stevie,” he says at last, voice nothing more than a whisper. “I am going to kiss you now.”
A full smile now, a grin, a laugh. “Yes please.”
I love you, Eddie thinks. Even though you never liked heavy metal.