Being Soft, Gentle And Warm Is A Different Kind Of Radical. The Ability To Allow Yourself To Be Vulnerable

I honestly believe that people who lost their childhood, teenage years to mental illness and/or trauma are so strong for still being here. Especially once you’re about 18-25 and trying to relearn how to be in society and healthy and human.

Especially when you decide to work towards getting better.

Especially when your life isn’t where you wished it would be.

Stay alive okay? If you lost your youth, I’m sorry and I’m so proud of you for still being here. Keep fighting. Your best years are ahead of you.

Recovery is like cleaning out a house that’s been through a hurricane.  There’s mud a foot thick on the floors; some of the windows are cracked; there’s leaves stuck in cracks you didn’t know existed.

So unlike in the movies, there are no “breakthrough moments”, where you suddenly realize one thing and the whole house is clean.  Oh there may be important turning points – moments when you realize that those aren’t frosted windows, that’s dirt, and you need to clean it off, and that’s why it’s so fugging dark in here.  And that is an important breakthrough, in the sense that without it you would not succeed in cleaning the house, but then you still have to clean the windows.

Therapy is just someone who’s had experience with post-hurricane cleanup, Consulting over the phone, recommending tools and giving you advice. “Start with the floor,” they say, when you’re too overwhelmed to even begin, and they tell you what shovel to buy.  So you start shoveling, and it’s HARD, and you’re exhausted all the time, and you’ve only shoveled out the front hallway, and it feels like it’s never going to really get better.

But you do get good at shoveling, and slowly you build up your strength, and after a few months you can shovel as much as you need to, but there’s still a LOT of mud here, so it takes a year to get that shoveled out, and your house is still muddy and the windows are cracked (and frosted), and there’s still debris everywhere, and every time you walk around you’re stepping an a quarter-inch of mud, but you CAN walk around, you can get anywhere you need to go, and the house is still a fucking mess, you’re a fucking mess, a disaster not fit for human habitation, but on the other hand you can no longer convince yourself that “nothing’s ever going to work”.  It can get better.  You can point at things that used to be super-fucked-up and now are only moderately-fucked-up.  Progress is possible.

But then again, you’re not making any progress anymore. You thought you had the hang of it, but now the shovel isn’t working, and every time you shovel mud out of one place it slides into another and you’re not making any headway and you can barely pick up any mud with your shovel anyway and so maybe that was it – you had a nice run, but this is as good as it’s ever gonna get, you’re still gonna be fucked up forever, and you finally bring it up to your therapist, and they nod, and tell you to buy a hose.

So now you’re hosing down the floors, and that’s a new skill set to learn, and it splashes everywhere, and now you’ve got mud on your walls, but it does get the floor clear.  But you hosed out the front hallway, and then realized that to clear out the living room you’re gonna have to hose it out into the front hallway, which means the hallway’s just gonna get messy again, so then you have to redo the front hallway, but you start planning out which rooms to do in which order, so it goes pretty smoothly after that, until the day when you’ve got all the big mud puddles gone, but there’s still mud on the walls, and stuck in corners, and no matter how hard you spray you still end up with this thin coating of mud-dirt-dust on the floor after it dries, and honestly you’re making more of a mess than you are cleaning up a mess at this point. And you express your frustration, and the therapist tells you where to find, and how to use, a mop.

So you mop all the floors, and it’s actually looking pretty good, and you remembered to start mopping from the inside out, so that’s not a big deal, until you open a door and realize you forgot to shovel out the pantry. You didn’t think it could get into the pantry, with the door shut, but there it is, mud 3 inches thick, and the only way to get it out is to shovel it, and you’ll have to take it through the kitchen, so you have to shovel out the pantry, and then hose down the pantry, and then re-hose the kitchen, and then mop the pantry, and then re-mop the kitchen, and EUUURGHHHJHH.

But you’re really good at it, at this point, so it’s not like it’s a big deal.  It’s irritating af, and you’re sick to death of doing this, but it’s not scary, or overwhelming, or horrifying.  It’s just really, really annoying.

And the fact is, you will never be done cleaning.  Even if there’s never another hurricane, there’s dishes, and dust settling on counters, and spills, and mud tracked in after snowstorms, and laundry.  There’s not some magical moment when you’re “done”, and you can stop working forever (except possibly, depending on who’s right about the afterlife, after you die).  But you do reach a point where you it transitions from “impossible” to “meh, just a thing”

You do reach a point where you look around, and you’re kinda proud of what you’ve done You do reach a point where you recognize that your current tools aren’t doing the job you need, and you research and find and learn how to use a tool all on your own. You do reach a point where, when you see a storm coming, you know how to prepare for it, and you purchase and lay out all the supplies you need, and when the storm finishes, you can get your house back up and ready in practically no time at all. You do reach a point where storms aren’t so scary, because you know how to weather them and you know for a fact that you can recover from them. You do reach a point where friends ask you for tips on how to clean their houses You do reach a point where, every time you need a tool, it’s one you already posses. You do reach a point where you’ve replaced all the windows and sealed up all the cracks and replaced the insulation, and for the first time, you’re comfortable all the way through a winter. You do reach a point where someone compliments you on how clean and comfortable your house is. You do reach a point where you’ve done all the remediation, and you can start remodeling the house to fit your needs.

So yeah, it’s a lot of hard work that’ll never be done.  But it’s also so, so worth it.

all i’m interested in lately is love, laughter, my personal health, growth, and becoming an all around radiant soul.

That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief

The coronavirus pandemic has led to a collective loss of normalcy.

Understanding the stages of grief is a start. But whenever I talk about the stages of grief, I have to remind people that the stages aren’t linear and may not happen in this order. It’s not a map but it provides some scaffolding for this unknown world.

Grief counseling is something I have found hugely beneficial for dealing with the inconsistencies and unpredictability of living with multiple chronic illnesses. It was suggested to me by my therapist, who realized that my rapid cycling emotions weren’t just due to the ADHD, but because I was also constantly in a state of perpetual grieving; grieving for my past self who suffered and endured, for my current self still going through it, and for my future self, and a future that will forever be steeped in uncertainty.

I will always be in a state of grieving, because the stages of grief are not linear, and even after you reach the stage of acceptance, you will always carry some shard of the experience with you. In my case it’s less a shard, and more my entire existence. I live in a perpetual state of open-ended uncertainty. 

And now, so does everyone else.

You are grieving, both for the things going on right now, and the things we anticipate that will happen as a result. You are grieving, and that’s okay, you need to experience these emotions and process them. You are not being irrational, you are not being weak. You are being human.

Be kind to yourselves. This will pass. It will pass like the kidney stone of an angry god pissing vengeance into the wind. But it will pass. 

I love writing so much, everyone. So so much. This makes 2 good things I've written today, and I just want to cry with how much I feel like a Real Person who, somehow, mysteriously, is "meaningful" and "connected-to-people." (whatever those words even mean? I am sure they must mean something, but I couldn't tell you what) I only started feeling this way recently, I guess, and I've been craving it my whole life, and it's just really big. Really big feelings. Okay!

This is worth doing, no matter what outwardly-visible, culturally-acknowledged things I do or don’t achieve.

This is worth doing just for me.

“An honest examination of your beliefs is a lot like cleaning house (I’m using creative imagination here because I never clean my house). You have a lot of stuff in your house and it can all seem like very necessary stuff. But if you buy every item that catches your eye and take it home with you, it will pile up, block your doorway, and cut you off from the rest of the world. But if you regularly hold each item up to the light and ask, “why do I really have this? Is it helping me? Is this meeting my needs? Did this ever meet my needs? Do I really need to keep this or is it adding to the clutter and preventing me from being able to find the truly useful things I already have or could replace it with?” then you will live a life where you can breathe more easily, enjoy what you have, and freely invite people in. You clean your house and you move forward with the confidence that you own your stuff, and your stuff doesn’t own you. Stop letting your beliefs own you. Examine them closely. Keep what is honest and useful, throw away the clutter, and repair what is valuable yet damaged. Your beliefs are important, but they are not permanent. Remember, you didn’t always feel this way — about anything.”

— You Must Understand Why You Believe What You Believe (via brutereason)

You can also look for ways to modify the situation to be more comfy for you! It doesn’t have to be the Scary Uncontrollable Situation you may be fearing.

If it’s a party at her house, maybe you can arrange to come early and help her clean, decorate, get snacks ready, etc. Then, even if you decide not to stay for the actual party, you get to hang out with her that day! And you have the opportunity to say happy birthday in person, give her a present, or whatever else you’d like to do.

More pros for getting there early: Would you feel more comfortable if you’re already relaxed in the environment, when the socializing begins? How about if you’re able to meet her guests one at a time as they arrive, rather than walking into a room full of strangers?

If she has any activities planned for during the party, you could also think about helping with those. (Sometimes I find it easier to interact with strangers if I’m Doing A Thing, and not just standing there being a person. “No need to pay attention to me … Pay attention to these drinks/gifts/kittens/goodies!”)

If the party is at a restaurant, where you’ll mostly be seated the whole time, see if you can plan to sit next to or across from her. That way, even if you just sit there quietly and don’t interact with anyone, you can still listen to her talk, laugh at her jokes, and be able to focus on the reason you DO want to be there – your friend!

And no matter what the conditions of the party are – if you go, you can give yourself a time limit, after which you can leave with zero guilt. (You don’t actually have to feel guilty for leaving at any time, but this is a lovely trick when your brain is disagreeing.)

Whether you’re there for 2 hours or 20 minutes, your friend will appreciate getting to see you on her special day =)

So I've been invited to the birthdayparty of my best (and obviously) only friend I have. I really want to go but I'm scared and I don't want to go. You know what I mean? I only know her and noone else. It's hard! When I think about it I wanna curl up to a ball in my bed and never leave it again.

This sounds tough. It is entirely up to you whether or not you want to go, and your friendship probably isn’t in the balance over this decision. I know this feels like the weight of the world, but sometimes it’s good to realize that your friend probably doesn’t feel that way, and if you decide not to go, she won’t hold it against you forever if you explain. And if you’re close, I’m sure that if you explain that you are anxious and unwell, she’ll understand.

An option to try and make up for not going to the party is to set up a date for the two of you to celebrate her birthday privately. That way she knows you care, and that it wasn’t personal that you decided not to go to her birthday party. 

But if you do go, there are options, too! You might not know anyone, but you do share a common factor of having the same friend. That can be enough leeway for conversation and interaction. You could also try to stick by your friend and interact through her, although she might be busy because it’s her party. I’m also sure there are other people who don’t know everyone. I can promise that you are never going to be the only person nervous about what other people at a party might think of you.

Whatever you decide, good luck! And I hope it works out and you have a good time with your friend.

- Shinji

How to Keep it Together During the Pandemic

We’re living through a scary and unpredictable global event right now, and you may be having a hard time coping. There’s a lot of advice flying around the internet right now about how to manage your mental health during this crisis - unfortunately, a lot of that advice assumes that you are an upper-middle-class person quarantined in comfortable conditions, and that your biggest issue right now is boredom or low productivity. 

But what are you supposed to do if your issues with this pandemic run a little deeper than that? What if you were barely hanging on by a thread before this pandemic struck, and now you feel like you’re in free-fall? What if you are an essential worker being run ragged at an understaffed job? What if your biggest issue right now is not “how do I make this pandemic a productive time for me, creatively and spiritually” but “how do I convince myself to keep living until this is over”? I won’t pretend to have all the answers - I don’t think anyone does - but I do have a few tips to help you get through this thing without coming completely unraveled:

Focus on your physical needs right now. From now until this pandemic ends, you are effectively a Sim. Your main job right now is to make sure that all your little mood bars are full - just like Sims, people under severe stress can’t even begin to cope with it until all of their very basic needs are met. Now is not the time to worry about things like productivity and personal fulfillment - your focus right now is on whether you need a snack, shower, or to change into some more comfortable pants. 

Stock up on easy-to-prepare foods that are high in protein. Not everyone has the time or motivation to be cooking artisan sourdough bread in quarantine. If you aren’t able to cook healthy meals for yourself, just focus on getting at least three solid sources of protein every day - protein makes you feel fuller and more alert, and is a better choice than low-protein snacks like potato chips if you’re struggling to eat every day. Look for things that require little or no effort to make - granola bars, roasted nuts, peanut butter, cheese, canned beans in sauce, eggs, canned tuna and beef jerky are solid choices.

Do a fifteen-minute ‘declutter’ every day. Cleaning may seem like a pretty daunting task right now, and you may not have the time or energy to do it. But living in filthy surroundings takes an enormous toll on your mental health, and it can be overwhelming if you let things get too bad. Take just fifteen minutes per day to deal with the obvious stuff - bag up the garbage, take all the dirty dishes out of your bedroom, wipe up obvious spills, throw out rotting food and put the dirty laundry in a hamper. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be livable. 

Make sure you are accessing whatever relief programs are available to you. Several countries and states have set up financial relief programs, loan payment deferrals, and other programs to help people get through this tough time. If you are struggling to pay your bills, call your providers and ask if your payment can be deferred or reduced. If you did not previously qualify for local programs, check back regularly - eligibility is changing all the time. 

Find effective distractions. Find things that take your mind off of your anxieties, even for a short time. These don’t have to be educational or have any self-improvement value whatsoever. If watching  old Jerry Springer re-runs at jet-engine volume is what gets your mind off your worries for an hour, then that’s what you’re going to watch. Whether it’s video games, reality TV shows or hours upon hours of YouTube ‘haul’ videos, the only thing that matters is that it distracts you.

Limit your exposure to the news. Watching people speculate wildly for hours about how bad the pandemic will be and how many people will die is not healthy. The basic information about this pandemic has not changed - it’s bad, it’s contagious, you need to wash your hands and stay inside as much as possible. Check the news only for genuinely important public health updates, and then turn it off. Obsessing does not change what’s happening, and it does not improve your mental health. 

Let friends and family know that you may be in and out. Maintaining relationships requires a lot of energy that you may not have right now, and responding to everyone’s messages quickly might just not be possible right now. Let your family and friends know that you care about them, but that you’re going through a lot right now and you might be spotty about answering their messages. Try to have at least some social contact every day with the people who are most important to you, but don’t pressure yourself to keep up with everyone right now. 

Block or mute people who share unhelpful ‘motivational’ content on your timeline. You don’t need to be reminded four times per day that Shakespeare wrote King Lear in quarantine. Shakespeare didn’t have to work a minimum-wage job at the grocery store while people screamed at him because the place had run out of flour. We all have self-righteous people on our social media feeds right now who are lecturing others about the need to “maximize” their time and relentlessly pursue self-improvement during quarantine. You don’t need that right now. Mute ‘em. 

If you need to pretend the pandemic isn’t happening for a few hours, go for it. Contrary to popular belief, dissociation is not always a bad thing - it’s one of the most basic emotional defense mechanisms we have. If dealing with the reality of the pandemic is too much for you right now, then put your mind somewhere else. Pretend you are the hero of a dystopian novel, or an early settler who has to figure out how to feed her family with limited food supplies. You can mentally deal with the enormity of the pandemic after it’s over - for now, find whatever narrative helps you get through this while still following public health guidelines. 

Access domestic violence resources if you need them. If you are quarantined in a violent situation situation and you feel your safety is in danger, please remember that domestic violence shelters are still open and they are still taking new clients. If you have a family member or friend that you can stay with, that’s also a good option - the health risks of breaking quarantine to move in with a friend are not as serious as the health risks of remaining in an abusive and violent household. 

If you need a prescription refill, make arrangements well before you run out of medication. Doctors’ visits for non-essential appointments are seriously limited right now. If you know that you are almost out of prescription refills, call your doctor’s office well ahead of time to let them know, and see if they can renew your prescription without an appointment, or if they can conduct an appointment over Zoom or via phone call. Medical professionals are extremely busy right now, so it’s important to make arrangements well in advance to make sure you don’t run out of your medication. 

Let someone know if you need to be checked on. If you know you aren’t doing well but you don’t necessarily have the energy to talk about it, just let someone close to you know that you would like them to check on you - this could be a weekly check-in to see how you’re doing, a daily reminder that you need to eat dinner, or having them remind you to go to bed if they see you online past a certain time. Figure out what you need, and communicate your needs to someone you can trust. 

Find one thing to look forward to every day. Find one tiny thing about tomorrow that’s not going to suck, and hang onto it. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Maybe you’re going to have a can of your favourite soda, or watch an episode of your favourite show. Maybe you’re going to call a friend or read another chapter of a book you’re enjoying. Find something that you can latch onto as a reason to get up tomorrow, no matter how small. 

Let yourself rest. If you find that you need a lot more sleep than you normally do, that’s totally fine, and you shouldn’t feel bad or guilty about it. Living in a constant state of high stress is exhausting, and you may find that you need a lot of rest. If you don’t have the energy to do much more than sit in front of the TV and do a few basic chores, that’s fine - you don’t actually need to be spending your spare time reading War and Peace or learning to play the mandolin. If you need rest, let your mind and body rest. 

Just get through the rest of today. If getting through the rest of the pandemic seems daunting or overwhelming, don’t focus on that. Focusing on getting through the rest of the day. And then tomorrow, get up and do the same thing all over again. Take this situation one day at a time - the key to enduring this is not figuring out how to sustain your mental health for six months all at once, but to focus on sustaining your mental health just for the rest of the day, over and over again. 

This pandemic is a scary thing for a lot of people, and we don’t yet know how this will play out or when it will end. But we do know that it will end someday. Do the best you can to take care of yourself, no matter what your circumstances are - we will get through this.