Lots Of Thoughts Recently. Everything Feels Plastic.

the author's barely disguised longing for a kinder world

Russian handwriting

The ocean on Kamino is the womb that gave her birth

(Commission)

I love them 5ever ✨

Ya girl decided to try something new with her hair…and I don’t think I’m loving it 😆

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@legacygirlingreen @thora-sniper @thecoffeelorian @neyswxrld @somewhere-on-kamino @clonethirstingisreal @royallykt @morerandombullshit @burningfieldof-clover @tbnrpotato @keantha @returnofthepineapple @antisocial-mariposa @techs-stitches @resistantecho @kimiheartblade @dezgate @sunshinesdaydream @rex-targaryen @freesia-writes @heidnspeak @queenjiru @commanderfury @kyda-atshushi @deezlees @thebadbatchfan @justanotherdikutsimp @aknightreaderr

Tech's Encrypted Files Entry 2

Tech's Encrypted Files [Initiating connection…] [Connection successful. Transmitting…] Subject: Tech - Personal Journal Entry 2

I’ve observed a shift recently. It’s subtle, but undeniable. What was once a straightforward, platonic dynamic with Marina has transitioned into something more complicated—more physical. I miscalculated the extent to which her attractiveness would influence the relationship. Initially, I presumed it was only her presence, her energy, that I was reacting to, but there is more at play here. The evening we watched the migration of deep-sea fish crystallized this shift for me. I felt an overwhelming emotional response, not due to the fish themselves, but because of something within me that had been repressed for a long time.

Watching those bioluminescent creatures in the dark depths made something within me... surface. I can’t articulate it entirely, but I felt it—an emotional reaction I haven’t allowed myself to experience in a long time. I realized that, for years, I’d been holding back parts of myself. I’ve kept them suppressed, thinking them unnecessary, illogical, or counterproductive. But with Marina, I find myself revisiting those parts of me. They’re not as inconvenient as I once believed. And with her, I feel a sense of safety that makes it possible to confront them without fear.

When we embraced that night, the feeling was different. It wasn’t just physical proximity; it was a release, a clarity I hadn’t anticipated. The impulse was natural, unforced. And for the first time in a long time, I didn’t overanalyze. I simply existed in that moment. The shift wasn’t intellectual. It was more intuitive than I’m accustomed to.

I’ll admit, I owe Crosshair an "I told you so." Though I know he’d never expand on his analysis of my situation, I do acknowledge he understood my feelings better than I did. He’s more perceptive in certain areas than I am. But even now, I’m still processing the full extent of this new dynamic with Marina. I’m not sure I have the complete understanding I’d prefer, but I recognize that something significant has changed.

There’s something else I need to address. The timing of this development. The divorce with Leena was largely amicable, but it was recent. We’ve been apart for only a few months. I did not initiate the split until recently, though emotionally I had been detached from the relationship for much longer. That detachment wasn’t immediate. It took a time to fully disengage, but once it did, it became clear that the connection between us was no longer what it once was. Leena and I drifted, and the emotional separation occurred gradually—though I wasn’t always forthcoming about it. Now, I find myself in a position where I’ve met someone new, and it feels... premature.

I recognize that others may find this problematic, especially considering how quickly things have progressed with Marina. I’m concerned it will upset people we care about, those who were close to both Leena and me. Perhaps they’ll view this as a violation of some kind of emotional decorum. But the truth is, I am a single man now, and I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I do, however, carry some guilt. I’m still adjusting to the fact that I’m no longer part of a couple, and it’s difficult to balance the guilt of moving on so quickly with the reality that I’ve been emotionally separated for some time. It’s hard to reconcile those two thoughts.

What I don’t want is to feel like I’m carrying the burden of other people’s expectations. I’ve processed my own detachment from the marriage, even if it’s not yet fully understood by those around me. I’m not obligated to continue carrying that guilt just because I’m now technically single. I’ve reached the point where I’m allowed to move forward, regardless of external opinions.

I also need to clarify that I do wish the best for Leena. It’s clear now that I never fully allowed her in, though I do not believe she ever did anything to deserve that. I was too rigid, too prideful, and I see that now. She deserves happiness, and I hope she finds it with someone who can appreciate her as she should be. I certainly wasn’t fair to her in that regard. We were ultimately; misaligned.

As for Marina, the relationship between us is undefined. It has evolved from something purely friendly into something more intimate, but I have no clear framework to label it yet. There’s no need to rush that process. I am content to let it evolve naturally, without imposing unnecessary labels. That alone feels like growth for my personal development.

I’ve noticed that the comfort and attraction I feel toward Marina are rooted in something complex. There’s something deeply aligned between us—her quirks, her mannerisms, her approach to the world, as they resonate with me in a way few people do. I’ve always been... different, in ways I’ve struggled to articulate. It’s not that I don’t understand others, but there’s a level of connection I’ve rarely found. Marina’s presence doesn’t require an explanation, nor do her behaviors feel foreign. She operates in a similar space, with a mentality and rhythm I recognize. I can be myself with her in ways I’ve never allowed anyone else. This connection feels natural.

I will, however, keep this to myself for now. I am not prepared to discuss it with anyone—not yet, at least. I need time to understand what this is before I share it with others. The uncertainty of the situation, the ambiguity, makes it easier to keep it private until Marina and I have a clearer understanding of where this is heading.

In the meantime, I can’t ignore the potential for something positive here. The emotional openness I’ve been avoiding for years out of my own fear, is starting to feel possible again. There’s a sense of optimism in that, even if I don’t have all the answers yet. I’m simply allowing myself to explore this without the constraints I’ve put on myself for so long.

And maybe, just maybe, this is the beginning of something I’ve been denying myself for far too long.

End transmission.

A more detailed account HERE

Tag List:

@legacygirlingreen @thora-sniper @thecoffeelorian @neyswxrld @somewhere-on-kamino @clonethirstingisreal @royallykt @morerandombullshit @burningfieldof-clover @tbnrpotato @keantha @returnofthepineapple @antisocial-mariposa @techs-stitches @resistantecho @kimiheartblade @dezgate @sunshinesdaydream @rex-targaryen @freesia-writes @heidnspeak @queenjiru @commanderfury @kyda-atshushi @deezlees

@thebadbatchfan @justanotherdikutsimp

@aknightreader

Art by @leenathegreengirl

Story by @legacygirlingreen (OC Marina belongs to her)

LOOKS TO THE MOON So far, all the illustrations that I've posted here have been fairly old, but this one is very recent. I'm not usually one for fanart but Rain World is both an incredible and visually stunning game and it felt wrong to not give it any love, so I sincerely hope you enjoy.