His Puppy. His Puppy. Butterflies In My Stomach.

Crazy to me that I don't allow myself to be happy (without actively trying) because I'm not supposed to feel human feelings. It's become natural to act like a dog. Something euphoric about that.

Slightly glad I don't have any internet connection in the complex whilst on holiday cuz now I don't have to deal with it if he decides not to message me.

I'm always the last option, aren't I?

Curling up beside someone who hits me . Wagging my tail as they grip my hair and tell me I'm a useless mutt and that it's a miracle I'm still safe with them.

I love needing to be dehumanised and needing to not have free will sooo much that it makes me want to end myself. It feels so wrong to be human, to do things without true purpose, to be able to go anywhere, make my own choices. I wish people understood this and would be willing to treat others in a way that's "unacceptable" in a societal aspect. Need to not be in control.

He's making me read their messages. I'm seething.

I should speak to puppy's American friend. Maybe it would make me feel less anxious and like this. Maybe even make me feel more calm.

When I say I want to be treated as subhuman, I mean it. I want to be told when to fall asleep, be woken up 'rudely', to spend the day doing whatever you tell me, and if I get it wrong, you push me to the floor and kick me and ask me how long it'll take until the order penetrates my thick fucking dumb head. I want to be commanded within every inch of my life and serve you until I drop dead.

I want this 24/7/365. I just wish somebody would ask me to fill that role for them.

We made out and had sex and I treated him like a mutt. Was good.