ULTRAVIOLENCE Theodore Nott

ULTRAVIOLENCE theodore nott

“i love you the first time

i love you the last time…”

- lana del rey

PAIRINGS: toxic!theodore nott x fem!reader

WARNINGS: use of y/n, she/her pronouns, very much angsty, smoking, toxic relationship and very much toxic theo, mentions of bruises, just want to make clear that i am not romanticising this type of “love” whatsoever!

SUMMARY: in which, she can’t get away from his “love”…

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

THE COLD AIR of the dark, and starry sky hit her face as she stood in the astronomy tower with a cigarette placed between her lips, and her eyes slightly squinting as the wind was starting to become too much.

her face lacked emotion though, still keeping a straight face as she just stared at the scenery that was playing out before her.

she felt as the smoke entered her body. it was toxic, but she was used to toxic.

she wouldn’t describe the feeling as pleasurable but more of an intense, exhilarating feeling that made her feel like the smoke was carrying out her worries as it left her mouth.

she loved the feeling. she didn’t want to exhale the smoke, but she did. not because she wanted to, but because she had to.

the wind hitting against her red, purplish mark that rested on her arm was enough to make her shudder and wince in slight pain.

her eyes finally ripped away from the outside world, bringing all her attention back to the reality of what was really happening.

she blankly stared at the mark.

a dangerous, yet loving reminder that somebody was there with her.

a reminder that she was loved.

after all, she felt herself wanting to be loved more than she wanted to be alive.

the mark was fresh, unlike her love which was slowly becoming old and outdated to her.

but she still stayed.

for the past five days, night was the only time of the day she found herself taking off her jumper and exposing her painted arm. she knew she would get judged or questioned, but that’s not what she wanted.

she knew that people wouldn’t understand that to her, these marks were symbols of love. a reminder that he still cared about her, providing a feeling that she had always longed for.

acceptance.

for the longest time. she had felt like an outsider in her own life. but when theo came along, he made her feel something. he made her feel special.

she knew it was wrong.

she knew that this type of love that they had going on was not the right way to go. yet every time she expressed her doubts to him, he would just pull her closer, wrap his arms around her and reassure her that he loved her.

and of course, she gave in.

and it wasn’t only because she loved him so dearly, it was because he provided a sense of security and reassurance that nobody had ever offered to her.

she wanted so badly to cry and let some emotion out but over time, she had taught herself how to conceal that very well.

he never liked it when she cried.

he claimed that she was “too pretty to cry”, and that she should never cry in front of him.

so like a fool in love, she obeyed.

she made sure that he never saw the water that would constantly threaten to slip from her dark eyes. but for now, she was all alone.

so instead of doing her usual routine of sucking it up, she let them fall. a small sigh of relief leaving her mouth when doing so as her tears began to ruin the mascara that was perfectly applied to her face.

a sigh escaped her mouth, the feeling of the tears rolling down her cheek were refreshing, like something she had never felt before.

she brought her cigarette back up to her mouth, her hands slightly shaking as she was beginning to feel overwhelmed by the “sudden” wave of sadness entering her body.

she felt so lonely in such a busy world, this was a feeling that was always with her since she first became a teenager.

she watched as the smoke that escaped her mouth now blew away freely into the air, staring at it with envy. she was jealous of how free the smoke was, unlike her who felt trapped in a place that was supposed to provide her “freedom”.

the sudden sound of footsteps was what immediately silenced her, scaring her from turning around in case it was a professor.

i mean, God forbid it was Snape who found her.

but it wasn’t.

instead, she recognised the footsteps.

she slowly turned her head to the side, using her peripheral view to see exactly who it was. theodore.

her eyes remained on him as he walked closer and closer to her, her mouth slowly going agape as she waited to see what he would do or say.

“y/n…” he began.

his voice. his oh so soft voice that made her fall even more in love with him than when she first met the boy two years ago. his voice lured her in for a quick second, making her feel everything she would feel for him whenever he would hold her tight and reassure her that he loved her, even after doing her dirty most times.

“i’ve been looking for you everywhere.” he continued as he was getting even closer. but y/n just stared at him, quickly getting out of whatever trance he had put her in unknowingly.

the girl watched as he got closer. she suddenly dropped her cigarette on the floor before backing away from the boy who just kept approaching her, “get the fuck away from me.” she harshly spat, forced to use her inside voice as she didn’t want to get caught out here, especially with a boy after hours.

“woah, calm down princess…” he said in attempts to calm her down as he stared at her. his eyes dropped down to her arm and the painted bruise that laid on it, “i’m not gonna hurt you.” he reassured her, trying to reach his arms out to her but she rejected.

“you already did.” she said sternly.

she took a moment to look at him, admiring how the moon reflected on his carefully crafted features that were just so beautiful. her breaths became a little shaky, his eyes glistened as he looked at the girl and the state that she was in.

but she didn’t care about how he viewed her at that moment, she just wanted him gone.

“so don’t try to fucking touch me.” she said harshly, resulting in theo to slowly furrow his eyebrows.

“me, hurt you?” he asked in a condescending tone as he walked closer and closer to her. but y/n continued to back further away from him, not wanting to be anywhere near him.

the feeling of her back hitting a stone wall causing her breathing to fault as she knew that that he was going to use this to his advantage. she could’ve sworn she saw a small smirk appear on his face, one that quickly disappeared once he finally reached her.

his cold, cold eyes looked down at her, taking in her beauty that was to die for. his eyes scanned all over her face, the bright moonlight showing every single minute detail that captivated him the moment he first saw her.

y/n knew he was staring. she could feel his harsh gaze on her, but she had her head turned to the side, avoiding him as her breaths were shaky and a few tears rolled down her face.

she knew what the consequences would be if she even glanced at him. it was a cycle. she’d fall into his obvious trap, he’d hold her close and whisper sweet lies in her ear, then they would be together the next day just to break up again days later.

“i would never hurt you y/n.” he muttered as his low eyes remained on her, staying focused on the tears that freely rolled down her cheeks.

y/n nearly scoffed at his words, but she chose to stay silent. she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of her reaction because he lied.

after all, it was what he did best.

his cold, cold eyes stayed glued to her features, his attention drawing to the tears that rolled down her cheeks. he brought his hand up to her jaw, grabbing onto it with a little bit of pressure.

she shivered.

his touch feeling so comfortable, yet so unsettling to her.

he wasted no time in turning her head over to him, forcing her to look at his face. his low eyes analysed her face as the bright moonlight reflected on her beauty face. he just looked a her while she stood there, her breaths even becoming shaky as her mouth was left slightly agape.

“so beautiful mi amore.” he muttered, his eyes flickering down to her beautifully full and succulent lips.

“your so pretty when you cry,” he added. his thumb found its way to her cheek, wiping the tears off of her cheek.

“but you know i hate it when you do…” theo spoke in a quiet voice.

his voice.

his voice sounded like a melody that made her want to listen to it over again. his soft, yet assertive voice was what caught her in the obvious trap that he had set out. she found herself staring deeply into his eyes, like a lost puppy. his beautiful eyes made her heart skip a beat as his gaze was so comforting.

silence found its way between the two, the only thing audible being the loud winds that hurled.

her eyebrows furrowed at just feeling of his thumb grazing her cheek slowly, she brought her hand up and wasted no time in removing his thumb.

“i-i can’t keep doing this.” said y/n as she shook her head, she knew how it would all end if she stayed and she wasn’t ready for that outcome.

“we aren’t good for each other.” she mumbled out truthfully, but theo just furrowed his eyebrows at her words. she looked away from him, avoiding his intoxicating, yet addictive gaze.

“why?” he simply asked, removing his hands from her jaw before brining it down to her waist. his touch brought her butterflies, a feeling that she knew she shouldn’t of been feeling.

but she couldn’t help it.

the feeling of his fingertips against her skin brought back many memories, good and bad. the nostalgia of how good he’d make her feel while inside of her, whispering in her ear that she was beautiful, or that she was all he ever wanted. but memories of how he’d harshly grab her, or how she’d roughly push him away from her came rushing back.

“can’t you see that we’re perfect together?” he asked her as he stepped even closer to her body, “we can’t ruin this my love.” he muttered.

his words ran through her mind. the thing was, they weren’t perfect. far from it even.

y/n felt her self going crazy.

she was tired. tired of feeling drained, tired of waiting for him to change, tired of feeling utterly dehumanised, and tired of feeling fucking crazy whenever she was around him.

if it was love, she wouldn’t of felt this agonising feeling when with him, if it was love she wouldn’t of constantly looked at him with disgust, if it was love she wouldn’t of had these marks all over her. but she was afraid to leave him, afraid as this was truly the only “love” she knew.

“no…” she mumbled quietly as she looked at him, “this isn’t love.” she spoke, motioning her hands between them both. theo just looked down at her, his hand remaining on her waist as his expression just stayed emotionless.

his once comforting touch now felt sour, she quickly pushed him off of her causing him to slightly stumble back.

“what the f-” “shut the fuck up theo…” she harshly spat, her eyes filled with disgust as she looked him up and down.

“i-i can’t keep doing this… i can’t keep waiting for you to finally see me and treat me like a human.” she expressed, “you don’t care about me theo, you never did.” she added.

theo let out a small sigh, “i do care about-” “just shut up, please”.

“your an awful person theo, i just hope you realise that someday.” she said truthfully, but theo just rolled his eyes at her words as he was used to hearing that.

his eyebrows furrowed as he walked closer to the girl once more, y/n just watched him. she watched him keep his eyes on her with this dark, eerie aura which strongly radiated from him.

“but you don’t say that when we’re alone together.” he muttered, his body basically against hers as he looked down at her. her soft beat was all he could feel against his chest, something that he was used to hearing and breaking.

“when my hands are all over you,” he continued lowly as his eyes now scanned her body.

“or even when i’m inside-” “that’s enough.” she quietly spoke as she dropped her eyes to her feet, but the seriousness in her tone was enough to make him shut up.

“i don’t deserve this. i deserve a love that’s pure, deep, a-and passionate. not this.” she said before looking back up at him, who was already staring.

theo let out a breathy laugh, his perfect teeth being exposed as a smile rested on his face.

“and who will give you that?” he asked her as his smile dropped, “hm?” he continued, waiting for an answer to drop out of her mouth. her words were practically a joke to him.

“all the other boys waiting for you to disappear.” she quickly replied, and she wasn’t lying.

she really did have a lot of boys trying to get to her but the only thing holding her back was theo. it didn’t help that everyone knew how possessive he got with her, causing every man to avoid her like the plague.

his eyes spent a moment scanning her perfect face, a confused expression on his face even though nothing had been said.

he suddenly lifted his hands and brought them to her face, his large hands cupped her cheeks as his thumb slowly grazed her soft skin. his eyes were constantly flicking between her lips and eyes, licking his lips before opening his mouth to talk.

his hands were soft, like butter.

it was a feeling that she had always loved against her skin, it felt so comforting to her.

“go ahead, nobody’s stopping you.” he said cooly, “but when each of them start to randomly disappear, don’t get shocked sweetheart.” he told her coldly.

his face was serious, a face and tone that she was extremely familiar with.

“no one will ever love you like i do my love.” he mumbled, slightly distracted as his attention was really just on her.

“and even if they try to…” he began, “i’ll blow their brains out, no hesitation.” he said with a straight face.

his tone was collected, almost as if he hasn’t said the most incriminating thing ever.

she wanted so badly to freak out over his words, but part of her felt flattered over his obsessive tendencies. maybe she felt this way because it was him who was talking, or maybe it was because of how protected he made her feel, or maybe it was the fact that being loved harshly was the only type of love she knew and was actually good at.

now here she was, a conversation that began with a determined y/n was now slowly disintegrating into her melting into his hands like putty.

but aside from that, she tried to hide how she felt by letting an expression of disgust rest on her face. she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing her fold this fast.

“why can’t you just leave me alone? aren’t you tired of this, constantly trying to chase me?” she questioned, “your pathetic.” she spat.

“because when will you get it through your thick head that you don’t need anybody else but me?” he asked her, his tone was harsh as he furrowed his eyebrows and waited for an answer.

his expression suddenly softened as his eyebrows relaxed, “i see you with another man then i’ll kill you and whoever it is.” he said calmly.

“you wouldn’t even try.” she said bluntly, but theo only let out a laugh, not really buying whatever act she was trying to keep up.

“you know how bad i can get…” he said, his bottom lip finding its way between his teeth as he began to think about the different ways he’d punish her for her actions.

“you’re mine.” he continued.

those words were so simple, yet effective.

she knew it was a lie. she knew that he was full of shit half of the time, but it was something about him that kept dragging her back to him. she was so embarrassed to admit how dumb she looked continuously going back to him but she couldn’t explain it.

he was like a deadly drug that she was constantly drawn to, addictive.

he slight leaned his head down, his succulent lips making its way to her cheeks as they kissed them softly. he wasted no time in moving his hands from her cheeks down to her waist as he began to move his kisses down to her neck, becoming harsher, and harsher.

his lips were soft. sometimes cold, sometimes warm but that never distracted her from the fact that every time she kissed him or felt his lips attach to her body, she would have this dizzy feeling take over her system. she even felt it at that moment.

his kisses feeling like true love, a feeling that she always felt when with him but just hated to admit it to anyone, and even herself because she knew that what they had was far from it.

y/n stared blankly ahead of her, too ashamed to feel any pleasure from his sweet sensations of love.

she wanted to deny him so bad but she couldn’t, she was addicted to this man and there was no turning back.

AUTHOR SPEAKS!

it’s low-key been a while, but i was just trying to focus on some drafts.

i’m aware that people want a part two of “for the first time” which i really wasn’t expecting. i have been trying to think of a part two but writers block hit me harddd, but there will be one dw!!