As A Child I Already Had A Longing For A Life That Wasn't Mine. I Thought It Was The Future. Now I Sit

I love reading.

I love the way it makes me feel. The way I get lost in the pages, in the words that seem to create a new world around me, in the feeling that I stop being myself and finally I'm someone else worth living. Because books for me it's a way to feel. Yo actually feel. Deeply, without being afraid, marking my very soul to the point the are part of me in a way, the shaped and changed my existence, bringing me into new families and friends and loved ones. Because no matter the end the feeling of being loved is there.

For me reading a book is a holy experience.

When I first hold the book in my hands I want to just sit there and stare a few seconds felling the way my heart beats faster and I can't stop smiling and the anticipation is eating me alive. Just sit there and smell the pages, the way the ink smell, the contrast of the black letter on the white paper.

The I open it and it's like a whole new world. I'm no longer in my existence, but I'm living a different life, a few of them. I have loved ones and I have enemies and I fight for what I believe it's right or causing destruction in my path because I had enough, I'm both the villain and the hero, I'm the good and the bad, I'm more than I'll ever be as myself. I feel the pain, I feel the joy, I laugh at the jokes and the sarcastic comments, I die of embarrassment, I crie and I smile, and I fall in love I judge everyone around me and I can't stop until I know the end.

And then I'm back. Back at my very existence I hate, but how can you hate something when each part of it belongs to something you love so much? When I finish reading is like a subdrop. It's like the world is crashing down on me. It's like a reminder that none of it was real, but yet for me it was. The pain and the joy it was real. It make me feel.

I love reading. It never disappoints me. It keeps my soul company. In a way a human never did, because they never tried. Reading hurts me and puts me back together. It's heals a hurting soul and protects a loved one.

I really love reading. Even when no one else understands it. I do. It's mine. It's make me want to live, to explore, to love, to be.

I'll change every version of myself to fit in. I've been having a hard time adjusting. Had the shiniest wheels now they're rusting. My cheeks are growing tired from growing red and faking smiles. Are we only biding time until I lose your affection? Ive got a hundren thrown out speeches i almost said to you. I have a lot of regrets about that. I'm a mirrorball. They see right through me. I cut off my nose just to spite my face. I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush. Will you still want me when I'm nothing new? You are so much older and wiser. Lord what will become of me when I've lost my novelty? You tolerate me. I sit and watch you.

last night as i was falling asleep i was thinking about the beauty of loving someone in any form and just wanting things with them without any ulterior motives or any other goal. like wanting to be around someone because you love them and want them in your life, not because they can do something for you, wanting to make someone food or make things for them in general not because you expect something in return but because you want them to eat well and to be happy. wanting to hold someone just because you want them close and want to make them feel safe and warm. wanting to wash someones hair because you love them and want to take care of them. anyway i think its really sweet and beautiful how a lot of times when we love someone we do things like this

“my mind turns your life into folklore” is such a confession. it’s taylor admitting that folklore and evermore, while cloaked in fictional narratives and obscured by the trees, is based in reality. it’s her taking her life and exploring what ifs. putting her life into a context that we the audience can relate to. not everyone can relate to the life of a millionaire whos been famous half her life, but we all know about having a crush on someone at school. taylor is a brilliant storyteller, and an absolute master at making deeply personal situations relatable.

the beauty of this album is that it really fully encapsulates what it’s like going from the devastating loss of a long term relationship, to the rebound you think is gonna fix it all, only to ultimately realize that you were using the latter to process your feelings about the former. the songs are so muddled, and the lyrics are relevant to both muses because her feelings were muddled and she had no idea where to put them or what to do with them. the rebound promised her everything she couldn’t get from the ex-love and she fell for it because she was so desperate to be really seen.

the thing is, i knew i was going to lose you and i knew it was going to hurt. however, i often find myself up at night, thinking about what could have been.

The worst about it is that I’m proud

“We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is pulled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry , beauty , romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.”

-dead poets society

Blackstairs

saw this trend on twitter and I HAD to join ✨

to whoever i end up with:

i want to share a shower with you. i want to share soaps with you. i want to be constantly running out of soaps because we use each other's soaps. i want to smell my soaps on you.

i want to sit on the train with you late at night leaning on each other and listening to music. i want to be drinking coffee and stroking your hair.

i want to hit you whenever you crack a stupid joke.

i want to make movies about you.

i want to write journals about you.

i want you to wake up while i'm still sleeping and read until i wake up to see how many chapters you can read before i wake up. probably a lot. i wake up really late.

i want to write things for you. good things. not things like this. i want to write things that make you understand how much i adore you but i'm bad with words but i promise i'm trying. i'm really trying.