To Myself,

moved into my new apartment yesterday and woke up to this beautiful lighting.

still getting it all set up, but I already love it

I lost my best friend 3 years ago- not lost as in dead but lost as in we only text each other on our birthdays now. Movies and books don't tell you that a friendship dying is like the sinking of a ship, you try to get higher and higher and hold onto the rails and unanswered texts, the captain tries to steer it to safety and salvage pieces of two broken hearts until you're left with memories of what once was. We were friends for a decade and knew each other's diaries by heart, I still remember her phone number and the way she took her coffee. Seeing her in streets is like breathing in a scent you forgot you knew but it immediately takes you back to a summer in '07.

Movies and books also don't tell you that friendships don't just end after one fight or incident, it's like the rusting of a bridge, the slow decay of flesh and bones and secrets. It took weeks, months- until one day I woke up and I realized I hadn't thought of her in a while. And I wrote a poem that day and I titled it 'The dying of a best friend' and I put all my love for her in a tiny box with my half of the matching pendant of a dolphin we had and stored them in a corner of my heart under the heading Grief. Where else can one hide unspent love?

It's been 3 years since I lost my best friend, lost as in I still carry our secrets in a tiny box but we only text each other on our birthdays.

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire

being in your twenties is literally so fucking inhumane. and during a pandemic. Oh my god

03.02.22// working on the hamsun paper & polishing my presentation for tomorrow :))!

listening to: taeyeon, can’t control myself

12.24.2021

films finally came in today and I am so in love with them !!!

The life I want to be living is this: going for long autumn and winter walks listening to podcasts, coming back home to a flat with enough natural light and the ability to get fresh air, my environment and belongings being clean and organised, running a hot bath to read in and feeling the water heat up my chilled bones, working on my own projects and writing, cooking nutritious and tasty food, having a comfortable sofa to sit on in the evenings.

something about the arrangement of these spines is really doing it for me <3

frohe mitternacht (ish) btw! 🌙

doing my damnedest to free myself of the “just gotta get through this week” “only x more days til the weekend” mindset & learn to appreciate each day for whatever it is lest i be driven to madness

coffee & notes & alka-seltzer

next time you stand in a public place think about the fact that everyone around you have sobbed until they felt they would break at least once in their life, every single one has been nervous, scared. they’ve all felt small once, insecure too. they’ve all felt so alone they thought their chest would cave in on itself, wishing someone would see them and hug them. they’ve laughed until their stomach cramped too, they’ve all seen or felt a sunset, they’ve all loved something or someone, they all want to be loved too. everyone else is a lot more human than we tend to give them credit for