Letter #18

Letter #13

I picked up a packet of cigarettes again I needed something that would keep me sane Same old one with the ultra slim filter, fresh burst blue I guess because somehow it still reminds me of you My mind wanders with each deepened breath Thoughts I'd share, if not for your death Would you be proud of me for just being around? Or wished I had done something more profound? With each swift flick to turn on my lighter I enter a strangers bed for another all-nighter I'd love to talk about him with you some day How this love left me a messy bundle of disarray For now though, all that remains is ash Memories torn, our photos left by the trash I picked up a packet of cigarettes again I wanted to feel like I did when I was ten At least I could talk to you back then

Date Written: 18th of August, 2023

And we weren’t us anymore

Cole A.

A garden?

A garden?

Gardener perhaps

Or listener .

I see many flowers and their whispers

So much plants to grow and water with teardrops.

I can see the beauty and care.

And the soil it has.

Many songs they sing and sang

Some are dark, some pale

Some have other colors.. some are frail.

I better water them more.

Because season ends

A helping hand

And a garden box

Few drops of salt for you

So i can look at you more

Listen to your bruised song

Your blues, self inflicted bemuse

Until i see the next flower bloom

While i clean the garden with a broom

Perhaps you are a rose with a perfect prose.

Because your petals just rose up

I have to hose your soil and roots more

To see you once again before summer ends.

Nothing else but muses, a place so safe

Like a museum full of plants

And each has their own special chants.

By Marko Tivanovac

Letter #27

How many wounds can a human body take Before it inevitably falls into ruin? Hundreds? Thousands? Millions, perhaps? As my wrists join my shoulders, Join my torso, join my chest, Join my ankles, join my toes, Join my neck, join my back, Join each and every lasting scrap Of what remains to be my face Dripping at an ever rapid pace I guess time shall try the test Seeking battle to heal it's best Before my demons rip me of all flesh A bag of bones in wait to be refreshed Sunlight, their everlasting summer At last red no longer the only colour I do not know which side I want to win I only know I no longer feel the hands of fear Only numbness and a longing for the air To hold every inch of me it cannot yet reach

Date Written: 23rd of September, 2023

At sunset, the foxes come scraping by her doorframe Phonelines caught up in rasping growls each night Faint echos of the past hares reverberate through Escaping from their throats, swallowed but whole Crying out to her; A plead to run, abandon her home "Foxes will only be as gentle as nature allows But the wilderness is violent, unforgiving and cold And you are the warmth chosen to fill their stomachs" Cautioned words come to a total on the rabbit's tongue Before teeth gnaw away through flesh, pooling blood Desperation and child-like innocence lose every fight They cannot satiate feral hunger, for she is small and cute "How lovely you are." The perfect portion, beloved meal Reduced down from a girl resting in her mother's arms To a cake sitting pretty in a baker's front window, malleable At sunrise, the foxes quietly leave. They never took a bite Yet she finds the orange fur taunted on her bedside Arms scarred, pores filled with sweat. Lost of all breath Strung across red soaked floorboards, a vivid reminder Tomorrow they will come again at the moon's first light And slowly, without urgency, left in her withering silence She will learn to play dead, envying the rabbit's screams

Date Written: 10th of November, 2023

Letter #3

You're a toxin, a poison built to dissolve the lives of everyone you touch with that deformity of an organ you call a heart. Avert your gaze and ignore your texts, decline any sense of desperation you use to cling to those who're above your station. A lowly imperfection so intent on infecting any mercy you're shown, what wilting flower wouldn't weep given the chance to witness such a pathetic display of insecurities. Be grateful you are not yet eradicated, For time and the likes of you do not cross kindly. A childish fool, you were never worthy of humanity. To: Myself "With love - whatever that means."

Date Written: 6th of August, 2023 Words I had written to myself after a mental lapse.

Self-inflicted guilt laces my lungs with tar, it gets so hard to breathe. Sometimes I wonder if everyone feels this weight in their chests all the time, heavy with doubts and hesitations. I'm sure even the most put together people have things that bring them down when it gets quiet, which is sad to think about. All beauty needs to be broken before it blooms, but wouldn't it be lovely to simply indulge in peace for once? To quell the heartbreak inside is something special, I can only hope I may one day join the people who have found their rest from all of the emotional aches. Idk, i'm tired. it's all a lot.

Letter #30

These shoes never walked a single step astray From the memories of skin in that dingy underway In their wake comes everything I once held dear to say Tightened laces bracing forth through times of "come what may" While you fall on a prayer you wont remember me this way Love, you wont remember me each day.

Date Written: 25th of October, 2023

(it was)

The uncertainty was a razor

Perched at the apex of my throat. 

I could never quite tell if it was love

And I suppose that now I will never know.

I feel so worthless without your gaze on me Stare, glare, bore your eyes straight through Leave nothing of me outside of view Attention to feed from, this insatiable desire to be seen Everyone's replaceably rested in disappointing scenes Wont you please give me pity dripped nice and slow I eat it up past full then shamelessly plead for more Consume me, devour my failed youth as your dinner Make sure to savour every short coming for desert Worry, resentment, anger, lust - dancing toe to toe As long as it keeps your sights set on me I thrive to keep my audience begging on bare knees Anything that holds their vision a little longer Without the only lenses that saw me kindly How could I ever see myself the same? Maybe it's why I search for affection in others despair Why I've chosen to dance, and bleed, and die Come, watch me violently wither by my own hands So long as it's witnessed, so long as it's real I don't care if you hate me, just say my name

Date Written: 28th of November, 2023

Letter #11

I will fade away from your life Just like the petals That have outgrown their bloom Softly, quietly Leaving only gentle traces My dear sunflower Thank you for the light Though my spring cannot last forever Your resounding presence Shall never come to wilt As I return to the earth I hope the breeze is kind I hope it carries me caringly across the sea To a land where soils can nurture The dust that has become me May my stem descend to the ground Away from your gazes Beyond the reach of your touch With only one last apology to be given I fear for me this world was simply too much

Date Written: 14th of August, 2023