I Can’t Believe...

“Will you still love me in the morning?”

a.k.a. She says, “Yes,” while he answers, “No.”

She arrives at home a few minutes after five, clutching her heart tightly with her fingers. She looks around for a certain display of messy dark hair, her knuckles turning white every passing second. When her eyes couldn’t see what it sought out but meet a pair of amber orbs, she lunges forward onto its beholder.

He’s wearing his favorite navy blue shirt with gray linings on its sleeves, both of his hands clasping a book. His eyes turns back to it, she presumes, as she settles down in a leathered sofa in front of him. He’s seated on the loveseat, half lying on it even; his back resting on one rolled arm, his feet relaxing on the other.

She looks at his face and straightforwardly asks, “Why did you do it?”

He — who understood the question right away without any needed explanation from her to clear what could be a misinterpreted query — simply supplies, “I don’t like the way you look at it, or the way your fingers last a little more unnecessary than it should when you trace it through. I wanted it off right away the moment I couldn’t take it anymore.”

But you love it, she almost whispers. He used to, her mind takes in on account. “Are you okay?” she chooses to inquire.

He only looks at her, his amber eyes slowly mirroring an ember fire. He stands up and closes the material he was reading. She can hear her fingers tapping on her knees. Or maybe it’s the walls pleading in soft creaks. Or it’s her heart, with its great desire to come off of her chest and run away.

She wants to run away from the burning heat of her lover’s stare.

After a few minutes, she finds herself lost in a blurry surrounding. She focuses her vision and sees herself in the same sofa, her hands bleeding from how tight she was holding the end of her dress. Like how she’s holding her pieces together, just for it to not clutter and break into smaller ones.

But when she raises her gaze and find him at the edge of the stairs, she finally lets go.

And when he quietly murmurs an “I’m okay,” she decides she didn’t want to pick herself up. Her wounds will only cut deeper.

He didn’t even ask if I was, she thinks. Later, she stops thinking.

(eusie.)

Don’t even think about it

The two of them are on top of the world, and with only a little bit more, they’ll be on the edge. No one else knows where they are. Instead, the music circulating on their veins take them away from the fact that she is with him. No one else knows that the town will forever be dripped in red starting from that night. No one else knows.

She looks at him though, as if he created the universe with his smile. Her ribcage breaks from how fast her heart beats. It is chaos to be in love with him, but she doesn’t know it yet. Tick tock — Her breathing halts  — tick tock  — after he sings her name  — tick tock  — and she thinks her whole existence will rupture —  tick tock  — with the sound of his voice. She barely hears someone screaming at the strike of midnight. And with another tick of the clock, her mind becomes a black hole.

He knows he has this effect on her, of course, and his soul rejoices with it. But does he put his lips on hers? No. Instead, he caresses her fingers slowly and softly. Then he whispers, “Like waves crashing on your shores.” He reaches for her neck, and he sucks in her smell. “Like a storm coming your way,” he continues. Then as his nose ventures from her jawline to her cheeks, he goes, “Like a gun sketching on your face.”

The night appears to be calm. Both of them appear to be calm. She appears to be calm. But —

The night feels flustered. Both of them feel aroused. She feels dizzy. And he feels victorious. He starts —

He tells her she is a treasure chest that shouldn’t be hidden from the world. So he opens her up like her insides are gold. She feels like glowing. He kisses her curves in between like knives cutting through skin. It’s a ticklish feeling, she thinks, as a satisfying warmth flows down to her stomach. He pulls her out. And if she was struggling to breathe ever since he kissed her skin, she struggles more so as her lungs die from his touch. But she still feels like glowing, as if she is the sun. She is the sun to his universe.

This time, he finally he kisses her lips as his fingers linger on her cheeks. She notes to herself that he tastes painfully delicious. He looks down on her and she blushes. She covers her heart, embarrassed that maybe he can see his own name on it. But he can see it, and so he travels in between her heartstrings, planting his teeth. He smiles at her after, and her heart stops right there. But she manages to kiss him, and she gets dizzy again. She feels him punching something, but she calls out to the universe. Her moaning harmonizes with the night’s melodies.

And then, “I’m in love with you,” comes out from her abused and wet lips as it reddens more than a red sea. “I’m in love with death,” comes out from his as he horribly presses hers together. “Then I am too,” she continues, but her words disappear with the wind’s cries.

Tick tock — There is silence, then a couple more exchange of murmured words — Tick tock.

The two of them are on top of the world, and after crawling gracefully on this starless night, she finds herself on the edge. And she falls down. No one hears her groaning as she lands on the scattered stars on the ground. No one even notices. Until everyone does. But no one knows what happened. No one.

Six hours later. Six days then. Six weeks after. No one still knows. And no one knows that someone knows. That he knows.

He remembers their last words. He remembers his heart dancing on fire. “Don’t mention it,” he says after she thanks him. He remembers her eyes bleeding and burning. “Won’t even think about it,” she says before she closes her eyes.

No one else still knows what happened that night. No one even notices his murderous eyes prying on everyone who asks him about her. Because, no one will ever admit it, but everyone is probably in love with him too. So no one else questions when he answers, “It’s suicide.”

(           k & eusie.)

POCKET DIARY 2012

An entry

It can only take a second      for lingering feelings      to slip into      your heart again

Just like how a flower      can bloom again      in a garden      you left to wither

— "14", y.g.

(eusie.)

But there’s a Love that’s Worth the Wait

I've been always keeping in mind that there's more to life than falling in love, and that I should just wait. But the more I believe myself that I'm really waiting, the more I'm looking out everywhere, searching for love.

(eusie.)

but... i can't write anymore

“You look at him like the story of Icarus is a lesson you’re never gonna learn. Oh, but maybe some things were just meant to burn.”

— like he’s the ocean and it’s a goddamn shame that you never learnt to swim | via p.d

Here’s to someone, pt. 3

Dear (h    n),

You should know by now that this is about you

But if you’re not in love with me too then I doubt that you do

There were no fireworks or violins playing beautifully the heaven didn’t open its gates and set out its angels to sing love songs

No when my eyes first landed on yours I got stranded on the crooked smile on your lips and on the calm sea surrounding you

I think that’s when I realize that I might end up sinking that I might end up drowning

And I didn’t know if I should be afraid

But this feeling this magical feeling each time I saw the sparkle in your eyes when I glanced at you

But this feeling

I knew it won’t run away from me but stay and hide in each of my veins and my heart will explode with this feeling of you with this feeling of wanting you

I knew I knew I would fall for you

The second time my eyes landed on you the crooked smile was back but the calm sea was now a storm

And I was already sinking

And and and then

You said my name

I think that’s when I realize that I might end up drowning next

And I still didn’t know if I should be afraid

But this feeling this magical feeling was still there each time I saw the sparkle in your eyes when I glanced at you and as if you stitched my soul my heart craved and craved for your attention and for you to say my name again

But this feeling

I knew it won’t run away from me and my heart will explode from every word escaping your lips each time you speak to me with every hair on my skin you lit up each time you smile at me my heart will definitely explode with this feeling of you with this feeling of wanting you more

I knew I knew I was falling for you

The third time my eyes landed on you

I, I, I

I think I was already crazy but there were fireworks there were violins playing on the background and the heaven opened its gates to let the angels sing their love songs

And with the clouds smiling at me and the wind whispering a happy melody

I got stranded I sank

And I definitely was drowning and already falling

And I wasn’t afraid

Because this feeling this magical feeling did not run away from me and my heart will continue to explode with this feeling of you with this feeling of wanting you endlessly

I love you I love you I’m in love with you

And you should know by now that this is about you

But if you’re not in love with me too then I doubt that you do

Yours sincerely,

(eusie.)

The lines on your palm are the road I want to travel and the place between your fingers is where I want to go; your hand in my hand is my home.

January 29, 2014 (eusie.)

a feeling: “nothing lost but something missing”

my throat tastes of rust and i'm drunk on my tears

my cries dance on the rooftop and i'm a high tide on this silent night

there is a rustling inside of me that doesn't stop

and sometimes it ends up as an aching a yearning for an unknown

this skin keeps on burning and i’m still hurting

but i don’t why

(eusie.)

gb vkfckxjskhf ;isdujeidhfiLAdH FIEKJFif eihfow can't write anything ielhkdnfoia HGEJDFI J iejfei can't even think straight fheuwljfhdn ; idkhfnd no pun intended