When I Was 13 Years Old And Curious About Sex And Love, I Asked My Mom If She Had Had Sex Before Marrying

When I was 13 years old and curious about sex and love, I asked my mom if she had had sex before marrying my father (of whom she is still married to, and has been since before I was born). She said that that wasn’t really a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question. I said ‘sure it is, you’ve either had sex before him, or you haven’t’. She brought me onto the couch and sat me down and told me about the boy she liked when she was young and how one night she snuck into his house while his parents were gone and they were kissing and he said they should have sex and she said that she wanted to save sex for marriage and he laughed and basically took all her clothes off and he raped her and as my mom was telling the story she cried and this was the second time I had ever seen my mom cry. She was 12 when it happened.

In grade 8 I got a call from my friend in the middle of the night and she was drunk in the park crying and told me that she went out that night with some other friends and they drank a little and her guy “friend” starting flirting and yes she laughed at first but then he tried to pull her shirt over her head and she pulled away and he ripped her shirt and it was her favourite shirt and then he pushed her to her knees and HIS BEST FRIEND HELD HER JAW OPEN WHILE HE FACE FUCKED HER. And so I went to the park and picked her up and took her home and slept in her bed with her except we didn’t sleep because she just cried and her mouth bled and this was four years ago but I still have to be the one to bring her items to the till it the cashier is a man, and she still has anxiety attacks and she’ll get a rash all over her body and I just want to kill those boys but instead they are still walking around. And I’m in the bathroom with her, dabbing at her skin with a warm cloth until it returns to its regular colour.

And in grade 9 one of my closest friends was kinda seeing this boy and so they hung out one night and then she said that she really had to be getting back home and he said that she wasn’t going anywhere until she gave him what he wanted and he parked the car and took off her clothes and she said no and he ignored her and so she laid in the backseat totally limp and just cried and it wasn’t even sex, he just masterbated by using her body instead of his hand and she came to school the next day with vodka in her water bottle and she drank all day and I had to fight her to get the alcohol away from her and she just cried and threw up and I skipped class while I held her hair back and that same boy texted me a month later, asking if I ever wanted to hangout sometime.

And in that same year my very best friend who has never even kissed a boy, confessed to me that when she was 9 years old, her 12 year old cousin made her give him a hand job and he told her that was what cousins do and he gave her a chocolate bar afterwards and she told me that he probably doesn’t even remember it but that it’s something that she’ll never have the luxury of forgetting.

And in grade 10 I knew a girl who invited her best friend over to watch Disney movies and then he started to put his hands down her pants and she said no but she is 130lbs and he is 220lbs and he called her a tease while she tried to fight him but he used one hand to hold her down, and the other to put inside of her and i was the one to push her inside of a classroom and stand in front of her while calling the police when he showed up at our school looking for her and she was so damn scared.

And a few months later I skipped class and was in the car with a guy who i had had unprotected sex with in the past while under the influence of cocaine but this time I was sober and I insisted we use a condom but he told me he couldn’t feel anything while the condom was on so he ripped it off and I said I refused to have unprotected sex again and so he just grabbed me and forced himself into my mouth and I was crying and he pulled me onto him and I just came saying “stop” over and over like a broken record but he must’ve heard something different because he went until he came and I just sat naked in the backseat while he drove me back to the school and said “we should do this again sometime”. And I had five showers that night and I scratched at my skin so hard to try and rip his fingerprints off of me, I still have the scars.

And I found out soon afterwards that that same guy had raped a classmate of mine, 5 months earlier and she told me about how he brought her McDonald’s first, and how he said they could take things slow and she told me about how he didn’t listen to her either. And he goes to our school and so after she told me about her incident and I told her about mine, we decided to report it to the police and the trial is currently still going on and he told people about it, except in his version we are just “asking for attention” and all his friends talk about how bad they feel for him. As if HE is the one that still wakes up screaming. As if HE felt like his skin no longer was beautiful, no longer belonged to him. And I held her in my arms as she bawled after giving the police her statement. And she did the same for me.

And I met a woman a year ago in a paint store and she had a service dog and I asked what the dog was for and it turns out that she had been so brutally raped and abused in her life, that the dog is literally trained to keep men away from her.

And I’m so FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF THIS WORLD WE ARE LIVING IN. How many rape victims eyes have I already looked into? How many more will I? And how many more friends will I hold while they shake? Because I don’t know how many more I can take. And who the fuck still has the nerve to make rape jokes? And… Something just has to change. Please, someone just start being that change.

-16 year old girl

More Posts from Thesoftrainbows and Others

3 years ago

Could you maybe reblog this post if you think respecting trans peoples' names and identities is a basic right and not a political opinion?

No pressure. Just seeking some validation of my sentiment. Due to some. people

3 years ago

What you said about Percy following the rules is exactly what I had in mind.

Also, yes! Percy’s own father works at the Ministry, and I’m sure he must’ve been in awed every time Arthur returned home exhausted after a day of dealing with post-war problems.

I think Percy was a quite child - I love the older two, but I don't connect with their stories as much - because of the war. And nobody minded. Being quiet meant he could hide, being quiet meant he wasn't a liability. But then the war ended, and people saw him as weird.

Honestly, I agree. Being quiet isn’t a flaw or a liability. However, from what I understand, Percy was already thought of as weird since way before the war. There’s a lot of moments in the books where people mock him (mostly the twins). I think it wasn’t until after the war that people started trying to understand him.

3 years ago

Can you please give us more Luna in the rewrite? I think her story is very fun, and considering Pandora and Xenophelius existed roughly in the Maurderer Era, it could be cool to see how them and the Potters (and Longbottoms) got along

I can definitely try to work that in! I know that Pandora and Xenophilius will show up in my Marauders fic (which is part of the rewrite).

One thing is, Luna’s role in the story depends on what Hari’s childhood looks like, which is something I am yet to decide. I ask about it here. Please let me know what you think!


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3 years ago

What's your opinion on each of the Weasleys?

Hi! That’s a really great question! I might be adding some headcanons into the mix, hope that’s okay.

Bill Weasley: I had a major crush on him when I was younger, he was just so badass. I still like him, but now I focus on Fleur. Anyway, I picture him as a third-parent because the oldest kids (especially in big families like his) are always plunged into the responsibilities of caring for the younger ones when the parents are unavailable for any reason.

Charlie Weasley: He’s asexual, you can’t tell me otherwise. I also had a Charlie phase when I first read about him, mostly because of his dragons. I think he was also forced into the responsibility of being yet another parent, but perhaps not as much as Bill. I also think he intentionally decided to be far from his family, not because he doesn’t love them or anything, but perhaps because home got overwhelming.

Percy Weasley: There’s a lot of controversy here. I don’t think about him much, but I relate to him in some ways. I think he was feeling forgotten. In a big family, the kids are constantly fighting for the spotlight, for the love and praise of their parents. But then, when you add Harry to the mix, it just becomes impossible to get your parents to listen for a minute. I think he got lost in his search for validation, though in no way do I think he’s way of handling it was correct.

Fred Weasley: Everyone says that he’s the harsher twin, that he’s the leader, and honestly, I see it. I do think he was extremely sensitive, despite the way he behaves in public. Like you insult something he’s already self-conscious about and he’ll cut you down with words, but he’ll also sulk about it for the rest of the day.

George Weasley: He’s my favorite. Solely because of the immense post-war potential now that he only has one ear. I feel like people should realize that this is the perfect opportunity to introduce the Deaf community into the wizarding world. (Am I self-portraying here? Yes, yes I am). George Weasley talking in sign language? Sign me up!

Ron Weasley: I don’t understand why so many people dislike him. He was an amazing friend to Harry, he was brave, he was loyal, he was just awesome. I think a lot of people saw him get jealous a few times and clung to it. He’s one of the youngest kids in his family, the pressure is insane especially because of all the accomplishments each of his siblings have. Cut him some damn slack.

Ginny Weasley: The movies destroyed her. She was incredibly badass throughout the entire series and I loved her. One thing I will complain about is the way she treated Fleur for no reason. Like, sweetie, your internalized misogyny is showing. Other than that, loved her. Also I have this headcanons where she shaves her hair off after the war, and Molly completely flips because her daughter had such pretty hair.

Molly Weasley: She was, by no means, a perfect mother. There’s a lot of things I really didn’t like about her (like the way she never bothered to differentiate her twins), but I never doubted her love and devotion to her kids. Plus she was such an angel when it came to Harry, she was just what the poor guy needed.

Arthur Weasley: Please don’t kill me, but I’m very neutral about him. He’s a good father, of course, but I personally don’t feel any kind of attachment to the man, I don’t know why.

I think I’ve got all the Weasleys, whew! Thank you, Anon, for the question. It was fun to answer 💜


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3 years ago

whats your opinion on percy weasley? i'd love to see him get fleshed out more in your rewrite!

You know, originally, I didn’t care much for him. But the other day someone asked for my opinions on the Weasleys (check it out here), and a discussion on Percy surged from there.

Now, I think that because Percy was a kid born when things were most intense in the war, there’s got to be a lot of repressed trauma. Like, Molly and Arthur already had Bill and Charlie, so that’s three kids they needed to protect from everything. Three kids who didn’t understand what was happening and why Mom and Dad are always so paranoid and stressed and exhausted. I talk about some of this here.

I think Molly taught her kids to be quiet at all times, especially when hiding, and to be obedient because otherwise bad things can happen. And I think Percy was the most obedient and quiet of the three, and he was often praised for it. But then, when the war ended, he got stuck in the war mindset.

While the world was slowly moving on and mending itself, Percy continued being the perfectly quiet and obedient child who followed the rules down to a T. His older brothers didn’t have time to dwell on the past, they were too busy helping Molly around the house, and the younger ones never had to experience what they did, not really, anyway.

So he gets made fun of when he fusses over the rules, or when he brags about his accomplishments (which I think he does because now he’s not being praised as much as he used to, and is now desperately competing with his siblings for that kind of attention), or when he says that he wants to work in the Ministry.

SO, I think I’m going to have Percy have that big fight with his parents, but I want to also find a way to make them understand that he wasn’t entirely wrong—his execution could’ve been better—but he was also hurting and he was very determined. He wanted to do good, he believed in the Ministry, whom he watched clean the streets after the war.

I think that’s it for now, any more ideas are welcomed :)

EDIT: I also want Percy to end up with Oliver Wood because I’ve been shipping them for so long and they’d just be an awesome couple. PERCIVER FOR LIFE!!


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3 years ago

Harry Potter Rewrite.

I’m just going to reinvent the Harry Potter world as a whole, because with each new detail I add to my fic, i stray further away from canon. Like, there’s just so many plot holes with simple solutions, and I just refuse to write stories in a world where they would shit right on the spot and then carry on like nothing. I refuse.

Now, is there any plot hole about the worldbuilding that bugs you? Tell me about it, maybe try to explain a solution you have as well?

Do you have a specific headcanon that diversifies the character/plot? Let me know!

I wanna hear all of the ideas you may have, and I’ll do my best to portray it in a way that makes sense for the era.

3 years ago

I know most people who write for HP don't like Peter Pettigrew but with your rewrite, could you not sideline him as the 'just there' Marauder? He was just as capable as them in Transfiguration and Potions. I may not like him but he wasn't the guy to just throw his friends under the bus at 11 years old for a corn chip like how some people write him as

I thought the same thing, actually. It’s why you’re going to see a lot of Peter in the rewrite. You’ll get to know about his home life, his hobbies, favorite colors, the songs he likes the same way you’ll know about the rest. He’s flawed, yes, but he also has a lot of good traits.

Thank you for the request, though, Anon. I like how you think.


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3 years ago

I love your rewrite ♥

Thank you so much! 💕

3 years ago

Why I especially hate Snape.

When I was in school, I got bullied horribly over something I had no control over (my deafness).

It got so bad, I had a full breakdown when, on my second day of 9th grade, one of my bullies arrived. I had to leave the school and could not leave the house for two months because I got physically ill at the mere thought of putting myself out there again.

The school was crap, too, they never listened whenever I asked for help and they always placed the blame of my bullying on me.

There was also the fact that they’re the reason I had so much internalized homophobia, I just loathed the fact that I liked girls.

On top of that, I had (still do) a lot of issues at home.

But I grew up. I held my head high and moved on because I just couldn’t waste my life away dwelling on the past.

Snape lived through somewhat similar situations and he came out to be such an asshole. He’s exactly who I feared I’d be if I didn’t get help.

And then there’s people who excuse his behavior, and they victimize him and all of that shit, as if it’s not meant to make you stronger.

I hate Snape because I see so much of myself in him, I hate him because I see so much of my bullies in him, I hate him because he reminds me of all the miserable adults I knew for a fact could’ve identified with me and still failed me.

I just hate him.


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3 years ago

And you got a new follower for you rewrite !!

Thank you! First chapter has been posted already, and the second should be published by Friday (hopefully before then).


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