I Love You Endogenic Systems

Before I got professional help from a DID specialist, I was a very violently anti-endo sysmed. Ironically, pursuing help and taking my medication regularly helped me open up to the idea of non-traumagenic systems.

Before I had access to professional help, I was angry at the world. I was angry at the doctors for not accepting my insurance even though I so desperately needed their help, and I was angry at the endogenics for seemingly getting the "easy" and "fun" parts of my disorder. It was insecurity. I blamed them for how people outside of the community treated me, I blamed them for making us look bad.

I held out hope for the definitive "medical truth" to validate me, I wanted someone to look at me and say:

"I know EXACTLY what is wrong with you, and I can fix you."

But sadly that was just a dream. After cycling through a handful of specialists and settling on my current one, I realized they're learning from me as much as I'm learning from them. Every single specialist had a wildly different definition of what DID looks like, and even is. What it's caused by, and what it's not. Some specialists were open to the idea of endogenic systems existing, some were not.

DID/OSDD medical information is a footnote in a medical textbook. So many of the terms that diagnosed traumagenics use are not decided upon by a medical consensus. Even the specialists are extrapolating heavily based on the very limited information there is about this disorder.

That's when it hit me.

The doctors don't know shit. The community dosent know shit. So damn it all to hell I don't care anymore.

Traumagenic and Endogenic systems are in the same boat. We are all still discovering what it even means to be plural. There's no set definition, even within the sysmed community. So why are we so desperately trying to invalidate each other's experiences just to try to convince others, and ourselves, that our lived experiences are real?

Walt Whitman, from "Song of Myself" in Leaves of Grass

the fact that I can't go into traumagenic tags while being Traumagenic because the lengths a lot of anti endos go to show hatred to endos, as well as the degree of that hate, makes me extremely uncomfortable

disordered system culture is realizing that being consistently unable to remember arguments/conflicts even 5 minutes later with any clarity at all (besides general knowledge that we were upset) is maybe actually something that counts as amnesia

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I love that there are non-traumagenic systems, like people who decided to introject their favorite characters or tulpamancers who created their own headmates.

There are systems out there who exist purely for the joy of being a system, how cool is that??

you guys will seriously believe anything on the Internet huh? you really think this amulet is controlling me? ive always had this aura. been sacrificing people since i could walk. this guy loves the suffering. i mean i love the suffering.

“Alexandria’s Genesis, a.k.a violet eyes (a genetic mutation).

When someone is born with Alexandria’s Genesis, their eyes are blue or gray at birth. After six months, the eyes begin to change from their original color to purple, and this process lasts six months. During puberty, the color deepens to dark purple, a deep purple, a royal purple, or a violet-blue color and remains that way. It does not affect the person’s eyesight. Those who have this mutation will never grow any facial, body, pubic, or anal hair (not including hair on their head, on their ears, noses, eyebrows and eyelashes). Women also do not menstruate, but are fertile”

this popped into my head out of nowhere so i had to create it as an image …… mitosis

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When you’re mid sentence and suddenly forget literally everything you were talking about