Studying Without The Struggle To Feel Good Enough. Studying With Interest And People To Talk To When

stem dark academia is what i aspire to be. Well maybe one day when i finish high school.Things are different here in india.

I spent most of life abroad but had to come back to india and putting it frankly it has been difficult.I used to love going to school, I had an amazing friend group which helped me grow,kind teachers who teach because they love it and not just because its their job and they have no other options but coming here, for my teenage years especially was weird.

My old school had a multi-cultural environment so i was used to dealing with many different types people but the people here were so different to 13 year old me.

That love of learning just disappears because of the amount of pressure thats thrust upon the kids here.We are expected to have our whole life figured out not to mention the tests,the absolute bias and the teachers who hate their job.

But,that being said i have met some people who make it better and my parents were a solid support.Which leads to another thing i found puzzling ,the students hatred towards their parents.I understands where it stems from as like most asian parents they have high expectations and do not give praise or support easily. To be completely honest I too have felt that way sometimes but I love spending time with parents and when I say this to other people i get odd looks.

Yes, the schooling system produces brilliant kids but they seem to have no free will,they don’t seem to have any ambitions and dreams of their own.That passion for studying just slowly slips away and i’m trying my hardest to hold on to it.

For example,I was a straight A student, top of my class but coming here everything you accomplish is just brushed aside and your treated as mediocre and dumb.That self-esteem you once had just crumples away into nothing.

Even if you get that perfect score its treated as nothing because thats the average and the thought that theres always going to be someone better than you literally haunts you every second of everyday.

And you know whats worse, the students here think that these all these horrible feelings are normal.The only reason i’m able to contrast and identify these sticking points is because i wasn’t raised here. And don’t even get me started on that peer pressure and competition.

This self-hate, anxiety and depression just fester and turn you into a completely different person.10th grade is literally just people telling you that you arent good enough or aren’t hard-working or just straight out stupid.

*deep breath**sigh*THANK YOU FOR READING MY TED TALK 

I just really needed to get that out of my system

PS:yes this may not only be in India and I know that millions of people feel the same way and in no way am I stating that you aren’t feeling the same pressure and i’m definitely not diminishing anyone else’s experiences. This is my brain dump so pls don’t judge :)

also i’m really new hiiiii guys

stem dark academia is so beautiful.

scratched notes of equations, detailed diagrams with annotations of bones & blood vessels, old notebooks containing maths problems invented & solved in a quiet afternoon.

classical music blasting from a cheap speaker. cold university dorms with posters of animal bones & carcass that were too beautiful to be passed.

debates over conservation expectations, dancing to the sound of rain after a long lecture. sleepless nights in the library, staring at a screen that no longer makes sense.

kind professors in tweed jackets & loose blouses, demonstrating how to calculate a sum, or take apart a specimen.

dirty fingernails from field work, dirty lab coats from schoolwork.

I feel attacked

“I need to stop fantasizing about running away to some other life and start figuring out the one I have.”

— Holly Black

Classic Duo: The happy golden retriever and the mischievous black cat

reblog for good things to happen to you

the universe will listen

You can insult me, but insult my Hogwarts house and it gets personal

me reacting to all the Marvel trailers and announcements

Conscientious Objector

I shall die, but that is all that I shall do for Death. I hear him leading his horse out of the stall; I hear the clatter on the barn-floor. He is in haste; he has business in Cuba, business in the Balkans, many calls to make this morning. But I will not hold the bridle while he clinches the girth. And he may mount by himself: I will not give him a leg up. Though he flick my shoulders with his whip, I will not tell him which way the fox ran. With his hoof on my breast, I will not tell him where the black boy hides in the swamp. I shall die, but that is all that I shall do for Death; I am not on his pay-roll. I will not tell him the whereabout of my friends nor of my enemies either. Though he promise me much, I will not map him the route to any man’s door. Am I a spy in the land of the living, that I should deliver men to Death? Brother, the password and the plans of our city are safe with me; never through me Shall you be overcome.

-Edna St. Vincent Millay