Grieving Someone Who’s Still Alive Is A Nightmare

anyway

I feel like i am years behind the people my age. All the work i have done in the past has lead up to nothing. Amounted to only me rotting in my bed, in my house, with not even the will to go outside because whats the point? I hear people tell me to move on, thats life, i can make new memories, new friends, new places to see. But how can i when all i can do is lament on how different life could have been. When all i do is ruminate on the things ive left behind and how cruel the world is to continuously take it from me, i with a weakened grip. A grasp so light on the new things i have because i know it will just be taken from me again and again. When does it ever stop being so painful? If it will be taken from me, whats the point of having anything at all. I do nothing but deteriorate the things i do have because of this, like a curse of touch. It saddens me. I wish life had been different

and I want to do things. I really do. I want to make friends and go places but. Theres a certain point where it gets just so tiring. Im tired of getting to know people. Im tired of people trying to get to know me. Im tired of being betrayed, being hurt, having my trust misplaced. Im years ahead on this distaste i have towards other people, but im so far behind people my age. I barely know the first thing about insurance. Im not even relatively independent. I have my mother help me on taxes. Fuck im not even doing a real online college course yet. Im not great at drawing. Im not famous. I dont like tiktok, or social media algorithms. I dont like being known. Is there anything I can be that’s substantial in life?

my younger self would have thought of me a disappointment

what i wouldn't fucking give to be punched in the face.

Posting on a tumblr vent blog feels like screaming into the void and praying for somebody to hear

does anyonw want to play surgery. with me

disabled people should get louder and meaner and angrier. disabled people listen to me. we need to get louder and meaner and angrier.

chat should i actually block every single one of my friends from my hometown and completely isolate myself in another province

im doing it again. i can feel it.

i'm much too excited anytime i get a notification. and then hit with a disappointment so intense that it's crippling when i realize it's not you.

i'm starting to think that the void in my chest of wanting to be understood is never going to be actually properly filled in. just sort of painted over in an attempt to conceal the big gaping wound of a hole in the wall like how landlords do to shitty apartments.

i don't know why i choose to spend my time here. waiting for others who aren't waiting for me. hoping that in every stranger i meet, there is someone who will really get me and understand the things that go on inside my brain.