I Imagine Death So Much It Feels Like A Memory.

You can spend the rest of your life with me, but I can’t spend the rest of mine with you. I have to live on. Alone. That’s the curse of the Time Lords.

Things no one talks about when it comes to ED’s:

- You’re always tired. I’m not even exaggerating, every day by like 9 or 10pm I’m already dying. I wasn’t a nap person, but now some days I just can’t go through the day without one. Getting out of bed is difficult and moving around is exhausting. 

- On that note, all of those posts saying “can’t wait to be thin so that I’m not always out of breath when I climb up a flight of stairs” are utter bullshit. If anything, you’ll be struggling to catch your breath even more than before.

- Chest pains. I’ve always thought the other people in this community were exaggerating and that it would never happen to me, but it’s true. Sometimes your heart seems like it’s about to jump out of your chest and you’re not even doing anything. 

- Your skin gets dull, your nails get brittle and your hair falls off. I think a lot of people know about this one, but it’s still worth mentioning. It is real and it fucking sucks. It doesn’t matter how much conditioner you put or how much lotion you apply, the only solution to this is eating more.

- If you purge (as in, throwing up, I know there are other ways of purging), your teeth WILL rot and your mouth WILL be ruined eventually. I’ve never purged, but I know of people who have and their entire mouth and throat area are horrible now. Especially if you sing, purging will destroy your vocal cords and you’ll lose your beautiful voice.

- It’s never enough. No matter how much you restrict, how much you lose, how much you work out, it’ll never be enough. This is why this illness kills, people. You’ll just keep lowering your GW and eventually you’ll be a walking skeleton, and trust me, that’s not a beautiful sight, like many people believe.

- You lie. So much. You get so used to lying that you automatically say stuff like “I’m not hungry” or “I’ve eaten already”. You lie to everyone, compulsively.

- You’re lonely. You cancel plans because they involve food, or because you need to exercise. Eventually, your friends will just think you’re not interested and stop asking. It’s heartbreaking.

- Your life is a constant math problem. “If I eat x amount of calories now, and exercise for y minutes later, how many calories are still in my budget? Should I really have that 50 calorie apple if I know I won’t have the time to burn it off later?”. You can’t stop thinking about all the food you’ve eaten, all the exercise you need to do later, calories, calories, calories. You’re obsessed.

I wanted to make this post to remind people that this illness is not pretty. It’s not desirable, it’s not a fast way of losing a few extra pounds. It kills. I didn’t even list all of the bad things that come with this illness, because there’s just so many. Literally, everything about ED’s is bad.

So, please, if you can, seek recovery. If you’re new in this community, delete your account, stay away from this hellhole and don’t look back. Trust me, your life is so much better when you don’t have this stupid illness holding you back. 

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