Making A Robot Voice With The Fan You're Using To Cool Your Underboob.

There's a dearth of terms for people in serious relationships that happen to be marriageless, so I call my person's parents my "outlaws." Feel free to steal my cheesy humor.

“She forgot her knife that morning.” Some things come out pretty fucking ominous when I narrate my day.

Not being able to afford your drugs is a hell of a drug.

"How would you feel about some popcorn?" "My feelings for popcorn are eternal."

Bilbo: wait I get it now. The dragon is a metaphor for greed and power. We need to ‘defeat’ it by being humble when we get the treasure.

Thorin: Bilbo, for the last time, it’s a real dragon and it has my gold

I no longer give a fuck about shopping on Thanksgiving. It is a bullshit holiday, used to this day to spread misinformation about the relationship of the U.S. with Natives. I don't really have a fuck to give that people are having dinner today. People have dinner most days, and you either are truly thankful for your family year-round and don't need another genocide cover-up day to spend one or more of the other three hundred and sixty four dinners with the people you're so thankful for, or you're one of the many who have little to no interest in being around your annoying uncle even once a year, in which case, don't. It's not like it makes it easier for damn near everyone to be traveling at once. And to anyone who ironically, and yet so appropriately, gives me shit for buying food and other necessities on Thanksgiving - a Native trying to get food from largely white-owned stores on a day that was supposedly about Natives sharing their food - I only have this to say.

This ant and I are the same level of smooth.

Always unsure. [Via @nathanwpyle]

The sweet, unrivaled joy of finally finding a toilet when you have to take a monumental piss <3

*Looks at my own butt in new jeans* "I would hit that."