Having Online Friends Who Are Busy Is Just Like. I LOVE YOU. I Miss You. YOU GOT THIS. I'm Giving You

Wait a minute if elves take a hundred years to grow up that has some weird implications.

So… if we say a human comes of age in fantasy worlds at 16, that means it takes an elf 6.25 years to age one human year. If we say the age of maturity is 18 that’s 5.55 years.

So then… okay with people that live a long time have to see their human friends die and probably see them like pets yeah that’s been explored to death. But what about a human just seeing their friend not grow up?

An elf toddler and a human toddler become friends at a playdate. At the time the human is two and the elf is 13. Emotionally the elf is just a little older than the human. But then the human grows up. He grows up and as he grows up his friend doesn’t. Not much, anyways.

She’s still sucking her thumb and throwing tantrums the entire time that he grows up. When he reaches the age where he’d choose a trade or go to an academy he’s earning extra money by babysitting her. During his initiation into adulthood on his 18th birthday she’s there with her parents holding a stuffed animal. Later that afternoon he sees her being shown some colorful flashcards with letters of the elvish alphabet on it by her father.

The human gets older. He learns how to fight, he goes from town to town getting work. At some point he joins the army. Every time he visits his hometown he has at least one more scar and by the time he’s 30 and the elf girl is mentally seven by human standards she starts to understand that something is wrong. Even after he settles down to be a home maker for the local blacksmith something feels wrong.

And she watches him grow old. When she’s in her 80s she babysits his grandchildren for extra cash after school, coming over in her school robes and ruffling his hair. She doesn’t remember why she became friends with this human or when but a strange sense of jealousy fills her heart.

Now she realizes it. She realizes it too late, on the day her friend learns that he is dying. The first day of her 100th year and the start of his last. Humans’ lifetimes may only last for the childhood of an elf if they’re lucky, but they learn so fast. They do so much. They cram their days full of love and hate and learning and wonder.

He knew this was coming. He knew all of this decades before she did, because elves are slow. Not stupid, certainly not stupid, but very very slow. She holds her old friend’s hand as he lays down on his bed. A man that has led such an ordinary life but feels so extraordinary to her. Because he has always, always been there and now he just won’t. Because in her eyes he became so wise so fast and now he’s just gonna be gone.

On an elf’s 100th birthday they are allowed to choose a new name for themselves. It can be important, or not. Usually it will follow them until the end of time. She stands in front of her family’s elders and is asked what name she will be called from now on.

She names herself after him.

I once again offer you: hogs

After a full year of job searching saying “when I get a job” is starting to feel like saying “when I win the lottery”

I saw this meme floating around and knew what I had to do...

It's the Orpheus and Eurydice coding that does it for me

While dead boys is trending for whatever reason, I'm taking this opportunity to share some of my favorite fics recently

The night of nights by NuriaSchnee is an amazing s2 fic that has amazing characterization and a great villain and just overall great

The case of the backup ballerina by paraph is a super well planned s2 fic, I'm not done it yet bc the first episode alone is 20k but what I've read is amazing so far

Stay the night by singtome is the third part of a musician/manager au that is so enjoyable, i read it like over a week ago and am still thinking about it

Go read them! This is a very short list bc I'm in a rush but if you want more lmk

I love them playing pretend at professionalism its such a good reminder that hey are just kids basically

I just think it’s funny that the brass plant mister from Niko’s room made it onto the makeshift ironing board desk. Such an important office supply and vital to their work.

Now where did the ceramic pig come from? (I love these goofballs with my whole heart.)

What a rollercoaster of feelings, right?

HOLY SHIT I JUST REMEMBERED A HC I HAD TO SHARE BECAUSE IT CAME UP IN MY MIND ONE DAY AND IT DIDNT STOP BOTHERING ME.

Both Harry, Merlin and possibly any other agent must have had really close contact with explosions at one point right? Especially Harry because if I remember correctly, in the first movie, he was saved by a grenade in 1997, and then blown up by his own grenade while escaping the university and then the church scene, AND THEN in the golden circle where Merlin blew up. (i still refuse that merlin died so he’s alive and im being delusional shh). He could literally by hard of hearing, almost deaf, or have tinnitus.

Merlin as well but not a lot since he was just behind the desk, but when he exploded (and survived.) he most likely had some acoustic trauma as well.

EVEN EGGSY CAN YOU IMAGINE?? Even though bro was a field agent for a little while having done a few missions (evident in the golden circle when he pins his own newspaper articles on harry’s wall) being in the field often enough he would eventually also have acoustic trauma.

So literally almost everyone at kingsman wear hearing aids and has learned sign language and learning sign language has become mandatory for training ever since Harry began his reign as Arthur. Agents also had to get specially designed hearing aids from medical and R&D when it gets  b a d. Since the glasses also has a microphone implemented in them, Merlin upgraded them so that live translation/subtitles could appear. (it became extremely useful for missions but the microphone can only pick up so far, yknow?)

Dead Boy Detectives Fic Recs Part 8

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 Part 7

It's almost Christmas and I have a long train journey so have another fic rec list!

Ode to a Conversation Stuck in my Throat by Leandra

In which Charles is a terrible wingman and Edwin fucks. I love fic where Edwin explores his sexuality and gets to be confident and sexy and Charles gets hit with the old Feelings Realization and this one pulls it off so well!

to say that which cannot be said by sulfuric

Charles has a lot of feelings about Edwin and decides to say it with flowers. I absolutely love the language of flowers and, honestly, decoding messages through flower arrangements seems right up Edwin's alley. Plus he deserves nice things! This fic is super sweet, the floracle is amazing and I really like how Charles' knowledge/ intelligence and general thoughtfulness get to shine here.

The Petition by khorazir

The demons of Hell commiserate after Edwin's second escape and decide to Organize. This is glorious crack with some excellent Hell worldbuilding. Does Hell have unions?? I loved the Solidarity and demonic breakroom. And I'm always here for Edwin as the Scourge of Hell. Also has wonderful fanart!

still my heartbeat with your bare hands by laiqualaurelote

Beowulf AU! Charles is hired to kill a horrible monster. I loved this historical/fantasy setting and the little snippets of mythology. The blend of Charles-typical speech patterns, modern slang and Old English was especially fun. The Author's Note also has some really interesting background info and has finally persuaded me to actually read Beowulf.

Super Effective Against Ghost Types by RoseGanymede95

Charles and Niko bonding, my beloved! During the Case of the Two Dead Dragons, Charles interviews Niko about Brad and Hunter and Gets Reminded of his own terrible former friends... This is a Niko PoV fic and this author is fabulous at capturing her voice and bringing the feels. Also in play: a shared love of Pokémon, Charles' Mood Ring Shirt and do the girls know how the boys died?? Canon and Netflix robbed us of these two spending time together and I loved Niko being gentle with Charles as he gets hit in the face by his trauma.

Love like fools by CasiHuman

This is actually a compilation of the author's Dead Boy Detectives comics (@technically-human on tumblr). Every single one is a delight; the artist is one of my favourites of any fandom.

When you are gone away by ghostinthelibrary

On the way to rescuing Edwin from the Fae, Crystal tells Charles about all the previous times this has happened. This is the latest installment of the Ministry of Supernatural Investigations series bringing Edwin and Crystal's backstory to life. I can't get enough of this AU (supernatural secret agents, basically) and we're also treated to oblivious payneland AND oblivious palasaki.

Knockout by e_va

Edwin worries about mysterious injuries Charles refuses to explain. Despite references to domestic/intimate partner violence, this one is sweet and Edwin thirsting after Charles while he's fighting is so funny to me.

Its the love and grief that makes me whole by eunoise

One of Charles' killers comes to the agency for help after he himself is murdered. Apart from the deliciously dramatic irony of that premise, I enjoyed Charles (somewhat) processing his trauma and the client trying to (finally) do right by Charles. It's also set in the Codependency World Cup Extended Universe so Charles fraught relationship with his ex-bestie/crush Mark also gets spotlighted. Recommended!

Luna Moths by thegirlofthorns

Very cute fic about Edwin coming to understand his physical feelings for Charles. I loved the luna moths/butterflies imagery and Edwin being very Edwin about being in love. Just lovely characterisation all round.

It's part of a series also featuring Kiss Me & Repaint Me featuring Charles going all out on "fripperies" to make sure Edwin get the first time he deserves. Lovely.

practise your passion on me by junosbraindump

Niko persuades Edwin to go clubbing as part of a scheme to make Charles jealous. And guess who happens to be at the club?? Minor catwin and and the payneland is cute.

Show Me My Silver Lining by GoodFrith

Charles comes home early to find Edwin torturing himself. This one's sad and emotional and touches on grief, guilt and self-harm/destructiveness but Crystal and especially Charles are amazing friends and the hurt/comfort is excellent.

The Case of the Decade of Despair by Rizandace

In which Edwin and Charles broke up a decade pre-canon and Edwin still ends up in Hell. Sad and interesting concept featuring misunderstandings and supernatural meddling but an eventual happy ending.

A Steady Anchor in the Open Sea by Mayarenerose

Edwin wakes up in the office and doesn't know where he is. Listen, I'm weak for Temporary Amnesia, OK? And this one has an existential threat for some extra angst.

A Short History of Almost Something by dear_monday, two_ravens

Missing scene from the superb fic Wunderkammer that covers the Sex Pollen-esque Incident they Never Talk About... Intense and frustrating almost payneland.

Lucid Dream of Hands on Me by tragedy_machine

Edwin gets hit by a lust spell and refuses to let Charles help out... At first. Fuck or Die culminating in Sex With Feelings for the win!

In the Name of the Law by Hse11z5

(Regular) Police Detectives AU! DS Charles Rowland gets transferred to a precinct in the countryside just in time to join the hunt for Becky Aspen and develop a massive crush on his boss, DI Edwin Payne. Interesting to see the boys as living adults with responsibilities and workplace politics but essentially the same job? And I loved the boys getting to know each other in this one.

lovesick girls by ObsessedWithFandom

Palasaki fic! In which Niko and Crystal's first date does not go to plan... I love seeing cool, confident characters fumble with their crushes, so Crystal attempting to ask Niko out was adorable. But be warned! There's also a feels sneak attack and references to childhood neglect, but also Hurt/Comfort and sickfic.

I might do another Christmas themed rec list closer to the time if people are interested? You guys have been sharing festive fic at an impressive rate! ❤️🎄🎅🎁

@tumblerislovetumblerislife @avoiceofnerat @guardianspirits13 @shazziez @khorazir @tessaaaaa @tw0-ravens @nuttersinc @sameen-shawv @ghostinthelibrarywrites @whatthehorsedoicallthisblog @neurodivergent-fangirling @many-gay-magpies @dear-monday @extremely-eager-reader @atariakana @colourmornings @herebehunters @littlepocketuniverse @overlord-of-chaos @fairandfatalasfair @laiqualaurelote @every-moment-a-different-sound @bibliomancer7 @c-rowland @nobledragonflying @a-pale-jewel @tragedy-machine @acediscowlng

i see your cowboy and 60s fem aziracrow and raise you ineffable saloon wives