People Buzz Around Me Memorizing Words On Paper.

I found myself keeping a note of things you like and don't.

I filled it up with every bit of information I knew

As if my mind wasn't already full of you.

I filled it up because I didn't want to forget even a single piece of you.

The fact that you like the moon and that your favorite colour is blue .

The fact that you're scared of spiders and what wish you'd pray would come true.

The fact that when you're happy your eyes sparkle and your cheeks have a baby pink hue.

The fact that you love kids and are good with them too.

After these little facts about you,

I write about things I could give you to make you happy

I write about how I could learn to play your favorite song,

Even though I haven't touched a keyboard in years.

I write about how I could sew you a doll,

Even though I've never once sewed before

Its just that if I could put a smile on your face,

I'd do anything and everything I ever could.

-scaredofmyvoice

Grasping ropes that were rotten and on fire

Grasping ropes as I tried to pull myself higher

Away from the water that rises at a speed I can't control

Away from the water that threatens to engulf me cold.

Maybe this is why I sought after ways

To find any sort of control

When I ate, slept and how much pain I felt

For all my bad decisions, my body went through hell.

I'm sick and tired and scared of myself at times

The world gets hazy and I can't breathe well

Someone please, save me from myself.

I'm sick and tired of looking at my arm and only seeing lines.

Filled with guilt and a terrible sense of shame

Filled with fear but I asked for help anyway.

No one's coming I've got to save myself

All I've got is me, in sickness and in health.

So I cradle my heavy heart in my arms

And tell someone I trust, that to myself I bring harm.

"I need help", these words I choked out finally

One big step towards a better rope at the end

I'm slowly making my way towards it,

Are you proud of me yet?

-scaredofmyvoice

I want to write.

Untill my hand can move no more, I want to write.

My mind screams incoherent words and my fingers itch to pen them down

It didn't matter if they were worth a penny or a pound,

As long as I could put these feelings on paper.

But the words in my heart stay locked up

And the paper I long to fill stays untouched

Leaving me with just this one desperate wish

I want to write I want to write.

-scaredofmyvoice

You might think I'm stupid and dumb

Because instead of trying to move on

I'm looking for ways to deepen our bond.

You might think I'm a little insane when I say,

That all I want

Is her in my life.

It didn't matter if we'd never date.

It didn't matter if she'd never love me the same way I love her.

Because even if as a friend I can stay,

I know I'd take it anyday.

You might think I'm foolish.

You might think I'm weak.

But I'd rather spend every waking minute loving till my heart stops it beat.

-scaredofmyvoice

I know you to be so kind,

But why not to yourself.

I know you to be so patient,

But why not with yourself.

I know you give second chances

Saying you'll trust and face the consequences

Rather than doubting and regretting

About what might have been.

I know you to be so helpful

I know you to be so forgiving

But sweet , sweet child when it comes to you,

Why are your feelings so unnerving.

Why do you hate yourself so loudly

When you're someone so sweet

Who wears their heart on their sleeves proudly

And smiles at everyone they meet.

Why do you think you're undeserving

Of love , of kindness and of everything you give

Who said you only deserve pain and agony?

Whoever said that , lied to you.

You're someone who deserves kindness too

And no greater kindness can come from someone other than you.

-scaredofmyvoice

I knew I loved you way more than a friend should

I knew I loved you and I would have stopped if I could.

I knew I loved you when my head went blank when you were too close

I knew I loved you when you hugged me and I thought my heart would explode.

I knew I loved you when I found myself keeping a note of things you like and don't.

I knew I loved you when I realized I wouldn't do things you disliked, I won't.

I knew i Ioved you when I answered your every text in seconds when it took you hours

I knew I loved you when to you I freely spoke about my scars.

I knew I loved you when I found myself getting lost staring at you from afar.

I knew I loved you months ago and I know I denied it too.

I know I love you

And I'm not sure what to do.

It's too hard for me to let go of you.

-scaredofmyvoice

All this pain is making it hard to breathe

All this pain is slowly killing me.

All this pain I wish that it would stop

All this pain that I know is really just love.

Love, with no place to go.

Love, that wants to scream no.

No I don't want you to leave.

No, infact, I just want you with me.

No I don't want the future to come

No because I know with me you'll be done.

It hurts.

It hurts so much

But if I can stay by your side,

My heart to bear the pain I'd train.

-scaredofmyvoice

She asks me who I like with that glint in her eyes

"No one", i say , a quiet little lie.

She asks me who I like with that pretty little smile

"No one" , i say , pushing my feelings aside.

How do I tell her when I know there's no hope,

No chance of anything ever happening between us

I know I know but even so,

It's her I look for when I enter a room

It's her who's smile I'd do anything to see

It's her who I think of when I look at the moon

It's her in her black dress that made me swoon.

She asks me who I like as she stares into my eyes

"No one" , I say , think my heart skipped a beat not once or twice but thrice

She asks me who I like as she laces her hand in mine

"No one" , I say. I say and I smile.

How do I tell my best friend that she's the one I like.

- scaredofmyvoice

Help me, I say

Help me Help me help me please

All as I'm holding on to the doorhandle,

No chance for anybody to see me, to hear me

No chance to see the pain I'm in.

Help me someone help me please

I don't know what is wrong, I scream

I'm loosing my mind and I'm so scared

I'm trying so hard why can't you see?

Help me help me help me please

But maybe it is me who draws the line

Maybe it is me who holds the door closed

I scream for help but also refuse to get close

I put my best face out for the world to see

No one can know, no one should notice.

Why I do this I don't know

Maybe I'm scared of being known.

-scaredofmyvoice

I know it's true.

I ask for reassurance a lot more than others do

Because no matter how much I get

The voice in my head goes "They're lying, I bet"

It laughs, it mocks, it jeers at my pain

"Silly little girl who would even love you", it asks.

"Silly little girl you're such a burden", it laughs.

Just be quiet and pretend you're fine.

Who would even want to know that you're having a hard time

It taunts me all day with such cold cruel words

I find myself believing them

And in despair and agony i dwell.

So tell me in the end

Is it really wrong of me

To want others to give me what I desperately need.

To want them to see my flaws and love me nonetheless .

You need to love yourself first, I hear people say.

I'm not saying that I'll never love myself

I'm learning and while I do,

Can't I ask that you love me too?

-scaredofmyvoice