As An Autistic Person In The US, It Makes Me Sick That People Who Are Supposed To Be Leading This Country

All excellent points. It's extremely impressive how well he's able to maintain a new relationship and care for someone else given all he has going on at the time, and its a testament to his heart, in my opinion.

I often see people push back against the idea that Astarion can be sweet and soft because of his harsher facets. He's allowed to be both. His bloodthirstiness does not erase his gentleness. His anger and bitterness do not negate his playfulness and caring. Nor is the inverse true; he's not a passive little kitten who has never done anything wrong. He's a complex person, but beyond that, he's just a person, period. People are never one thing.

All this is one of the reasons I love him so much; going through the hell he endured does not make someone kind. It's the sort of crushing conditions that can easily make people so bitter and toxic to the people around them. The fact that he maintained the light within himself through all those decades where Cazador tried to systematically crush every last good thing in him... that's a miracle. He's a miracle. Because despite having every reason not to, his life experience stacked against him, he still has so much kindness and softness inside. He still cares. I don't think he's exactly well-adjusted, even by the epilogue. I'm sure it will take him the rest of his life to heal, and he and his partner will have a lot to work through in their relationship. These things take work and effort, and though I'm sure Astarion would struggle with many parts of being in a relationship, he would put in the effort necessary to work on it. He's shown numerous times that he cares and is surprisingly proactive about the relationship. He's willing to self-examine and change, like OP said in regards to his behavioral checking and minding old habits. I'm sure he'd have plenty of bad days where he pushes his partner away and says hurtful things he doesn't mean when he's triggered or overwhelmed, but that doesn't mean he's not loving and willing to work on things. I also think his reaction to his partner becoming illithid is completely valid and realistic. The fact that he's so willing to even try to make it work honestly shows how he open and accepting he is, even in the face of you become one of the things your party has been fighting against and hating for the entire game. The man is going through a lot, and dealing with his love becoming a tentacled beast is just one more item in his list of things to process, and I'm sure it hurts. Let him have time to grieve and process. I've said this before, but Astarion is arguably the least judgmental of all the companions, which seems at odds with his nature. Until you realize it's just proof of how caring and empathetic he has the capacity to be, deep down, despite his best efforts to pretend otherwise. Anyway, it bothers me when people argue against portraying his softness and caring as being non-canon or unrealistic, just because he has a harsh, bloodthirsty, vengeful, self-serving side as well. Both are canon. Both are true. Both are equally important to his identity. He contains multitudes and that's exactly what makes him such a compelling character.

just thinking about astarion is SUCH a sweet partner? like this man was barely an adult elf when he was turned, and spent the next 200 years being abused by cazador, but like

- as the durge character, he'll be accepting and talk about your mental health and reassure you

- he'll insist on staying with your half illithid character, saying you shouldnt make his choices for him if you try to leave to protect him

- also just the dichotomy of him being explicitly vain and also explicitly not shallow is very sweet

- in that one lathanders light scene, he'll tell you he appreciates you trying to fix your mistake after you caused him IMMENSE pain

- he'll empathize with and support you if you swear your body to haarlep, noting how he's been through similar and is sorry you're going through it

- hes not jealous, his issues with sharing seem to largely come from if he thinks the other party would be okay with it (like he thinks lae'zel would spear him lol), and when someone like halsin comes along he'll happily consent

- on that note, he grows enough to be comfortable asking for support and reassurance instead of possessiveness/jealousy (not that these are the only options for that scenario, but astarions seen a lot of possessiveness in his life and its wonderful how much he avoids replicating it)

- he will always attack cazador in the final confrontation if cazador starts verbally abusing you instead of him

- he puts in the work to set boundaries that allow him to engage in an intimate (emotionally, physically, but not sexually) romantic relationship with tav and apologizes for "using" him before, when his behavior was SO understandable. and also he manipulated tav by having... consensual enjoyable sex lol. he might have ulterior motives but he never actually tries to use his sexual relationship with tav to manipulate him into doing anything

- you learn how astarion felt for Sebastian and how tender he was

- you learn about the first boy astarion couldnt bear to bring to cazador, the one he called soft and sweet (or something like that) and then was punished horribly for a straight year for it

- even when you turn to a half illithid, his main concern is you losing your agency

- if you are a full illithid, at the end of the game, some people complain about him not being ride or die, but i think he shows REMARKABLE willingness and support. what he cares about most is that you are still you, and how is he supposed to know for sure? i think asking him to stay with a type of being known for manipulation and mind control after everything he went through with cazador IS A HUGE FUCKING ASK. and he doesnt even write you off immediately? thats a lot of love right there

- if you arent illithid, he will double-check you want to plan a future with him still, and only once you affirm this will he express how badly he wants it. he's actively avoiding trying to manipulate you even

and probably more stuff im just not thinking of off the top of my head. obviously this is about the spawn route vs. ascended, but im just constantly amazed that despite EVERYTHING astarion has gone through, probably centuries without a healthy, loving relationship or even examples of that nearby, he still defaults to being kind, empathetic, and caring as soon as he gets the chance

like sure, he might be minorly evil and self-serving but personally i think thats the least he deserves

more importantly, the boys from astarions past give us a rare window into what he was like before turning into a vampire—he was gentle, empathetic lover. he was kind, he was protective. and as soon as he has the space to start looking for himself again, he goes RIGHT back to that behavior. he even self-checks for his "manipulation" and tries to correct for it

it just shatters my heart and then puts it back together hes such a wonderfully written character. astarion is allowed to be lovely AND furious and vengeful and maybe its just my raised-catholic ass, but its SO cathartic to see that a forgiveness arc is never pushed for his abuser

It's scary to be transgender in the world right now but if you're transgender I love you and we have to stick together and keep fighting and keep living and keep loving

Sorry, but this whole thing about the dice roll to convince Astarion not to ascend—let’s break it down.

The dice roll exists because Astarion is intoxicated—by blood, by fear, by power. Power is the only thing he thinks can set him free, but only because his perspective is painfully limited. The Insight check isn’t there by accident; it’s meant to give the player context. Astarion isn’t thinking clearly—not enough to truly reason.

Do you know what real fear does? It shuts down higher cognitive processes. The sympathetic nervous system takes over, triggering fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. Blood rushes to the muscles, the heart, the lungs, preparing the body to react quickly in case of danger. But at the same time, other functions that aren’t immediately useful—like digestion, excretory system, sexual function, and, yes, logical reasoning—get suppressed. It’s a matter of priorities—survival over everything else.

For example, studies show that reprimanding a child too harshly—scaring them—actually inhibits learning, making it completely counterproductive.

And in that moment, Astarion is like someone standing on the edge of a rooftop, ready to jump—not because he wants to die, but because he sees no other way out of his pain. And Tav/Durge is the damn firefighter or cop trying to talk him down before he hits the pavement.

And honestly—who here hasn’t had a conversation with a parent, a friend, or a teacher, only to later think, Shit, they were right, I was about to do something really stupid?

It’s not coercion, people. It’s just pointing things out. And the dice roll is there to break through all the things clouding Astarion’s mind—blood, fear, and everything in between. Not to convince him.

At this point in the adventure, Astarion is perfectly capable of making his own choices, and if he's deprived of that choice, he gets so furious that he attacks the player. In fact, if you categorically decide for him—either by refusing to help him or by interrupting the ritual—things end badly. He is the one who has to decide what to do, not the player.

It's no coincidence that Astarion gives his approval at the moment he realizes what it truly means to ascend and abandons the ritual. There's no lie there; we don't forget that approval. Just as it's no accident that, in the cemetery scene, Astarion says he feels seen by the player. Because yes—beyond the illusory veil of a sexy, evil vampire, we've seen through it and witnessed something else. We've seen the goodness within him.

Please, let's stop saying that Astarion wants to ascend at all costs and that he's forced not to do it. Otherwise, the reading of the game's and the character's subtext is completely lost. And note that this doesn't mean he doesn't also have the potential for evil.

It's exactly these internal contradictions—this constant oscillation between good and evil—that make him such a deep, well-rounded, and wonderful character. Please, let's not simplify him; that would be a crime.

The 7000 Spawn Conundrum .

Had a reply to a reply in regards to how nobody is talking about the consequences of releasing 7000 spawn into the Underdark.

So lets start a pot! rummage rummage rummage Ah! The Emperor's 7 Treasures it is! Black and green tea with rose and sunflower petals. Not sure why its called seven when there are only four things in it but, oh well what the hell.

"To be, or not to be, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them."

William Shakespeare

That is the question, isn't it. To be the one who releases 7000 spawn into the Underdark and let them live, or not to be the one who releases 7000 spawn into the Underdark and destroy them.

WARNING: Game Spoilers, Topics of sex, Abuse, Murder, Torture and Adult themes and language. Not underage appropriate.

This is not fact. Just opinion based off my own and game experience. As always, how anybody cannon their relationships or behaviors is perfectly right! No blame, no shame, it's your game!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And welcome to another round of difficult choices. How anybody decided this is through their own lens and filter and neither right nor wrong in their choosing.

Here is why I was ok with the decision to let them go.

Lets be honest about the dark impulses of humanity. You could release seven thousand humans and get the same outcome. No they are not biting people, well..some might be, but the "how" of how someone choses to unalive someone else is a moot point. The outcome is the same. Those aligned with destructive violence will choose destructive violence. You need only look out into our own world to see that truth.

So, you have 7000 vampire spawn on your hands. Do you kill them all out of fear for what a few might do? Or do you allow them to make their own choices and let fate decide?

For me, the issue with destroying the spawn was you are also destroying the ones who would not chose a life of evil intention. You are taking away their chance to make a life because their neighbor might be bad.

I have always hated the punish the whole for the act of the one mindset. I've been on the receiving end of that more than once and It is absolute equine grass byproduct.

Sebastion was a good example of this. He had been down there for 170 years and still had control of his mind. His first concern wasn't blood, but that his family and friends were gone.

"My family-my friends-they're gone.."

He wasn't "mad" or craven. He wasn't snapping and rattling the bars of the cage like a feral animal to get to rip out anybody's throat. What he was was angry, tired and hopeless. And rightfully so. The fact that he could hold a cognitive conversation was key to me. They did not present as mindless beasts, they were just people suffering.

"I just know I don't want to die down here, please. I just want to breath free air one last time."

Now, I'm sure there were a few in there feral, but I don't think it was possible to open one door at a time and sort them all out. Opening the flood gates was the only option. So again, its a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

But there were a few hints as to if it was a good choice or not.

First, Astarion is unhappy about the decision when you talk to him about it the next day. He laments that they should have been given a chance to make the choice just as he had.

"But he called them feral and said they could cause incredible carnage. Why would he suddenly care? "

Because, deep down, he didn't actually believe that. Not for all of them anyway. Honestly given his ability to talk himself into things, he was absolutely creating justifications to make sacrificing them easier to bare if he went thought with the ritual.

"Better they serve a purpose."

Hard to feel ok about killing something you consider sentient vs an mindless dangerous animal. And at that time, he was terrified of them. Imagine being surrounded by all the people you had ever wronged. How would you feel about it?

Second: When you find the children again, Gandrel (if you let him live in the swamp) and Kass thank you for letting them live.

This the most fucked up part of this whole situation. Those littles are now forever stuck at whatever age they are. Kass seems to have accepted it but Chessa is still battling her reality. But, as they age "mentally" they can eventually make a decision about if they wish to live as the are or leave for the astral plane.

"I did not expect you to free us. But I am grateful. Thank you for your mercy..Thank you for everything."

Third, the epilogue. Through the letters you learn that the children are doing well with the use of animal blood and medicine to help them overcome their cravings. And the city of spawn are also doing well and are grateful to have the choice to walk their own paths.

These are all read a positive outcomes to this difficult choice. The spawn are free to chose and build their own lives regardless of how any one else thinks they should live it. If they want to live, they live. If they want to die, they die. If they want to be monsters, they live as one. Etc ect. No choice is free of consequence. Even "good" ones.

"Pretty to think that is possible. But how would you feed thousands of vampires in a city?"

Not all seven thousand spawn made it. So how many are collected there is unknow. Over time a herd of Deep Rothe' can be shepherded and raised as blood animals. Like a Dairy farm but blood instead of milk. The larger the heard the more blood that could be produced over time.

Yes, I know, It's not vegan friendly but they are vampires loves. There is no plant option here.

The meat and products made from them could be sold to the surface. They could also establish trade agreements with the city butchers. A bit of gold for blood that would otherwise be dumped into the rivers and septic systems.

And we all know, given our fandom nature, there is no shortage of people who would get in line to be "pome de sang's" either.

Yes, I'm looking at all you kinky little juice boxes. You know who you are. I’m kidding of course. That would require alot of scrolls or a lot of clerics.

Anyway, feeding them would, in time, be sorted out in a way that is sustainable.

Also, they would not be adding to the population at an exponential rate. They are all spawn so they can't make more vampires. It wouldn't be everybody mating and birthing 100 or more new babies a year either. I know Dhampir's are suggested, but the occurrences would be rare.

Would there be pockets of corruption and gangs of violent ideals? Sure, those happen in any society. But as Leader of the city Astarion states they are delt with. Just like wolf packs, if you are putting the success and survival of the pack in danger with your bullshit behaviors your going to get removed from the pack.

"Ok, that's all well and good but what about the Underdark?"

Im sure there was an impact on the Underdark after the wave hit, but if you recall there are a plethora of gargantuan baddies down there and those spawn have not been training for months to battle them.

And you could warn the Myconids through the spores to be on the defense should they reach them. A couple well placed timmask spores and bibberbangs and the problem is solved. Ha ah! Booom!

The Duergar can fend for themselves as well as they are known to have impenetrable fortresses.

Any that make it to the City to cause problems will be handled by the vast amount of adventurers and hero's running around.

Honestly, if you are gong to loose a legion of vampires anywhere the Underdark would be the least impacted.

The point is there are pro's and cons to every decision. Peace and violence in every ecosystem.

Pick your hard.

And again, however one chose is right for how they viewed the situation within their universe.

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm late for the book club.

Etriel Analelle Ancunin and the young Astarion Ancunin

my ko-fi

My Tav

I'm hoping to eventually post some snippets / maybe a completed fic on here once I get something presentable, and I'm trying to motivate myself rather than get caught up in anxiety. So I thought I may as well informally introduce my Tav. She's very much still a work in progress, but I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself to have her extensively fleshed-out when I only really just started actually writing her story. I made up a lot about her as I played the game, but now I'm taking that raw material and expanding upon it. Anyway, this is River:

Name: River*

Gender: She identifies as a woman and goes by she/her, but her gender isn't really crucial to her sense of identity.

Race: Half-elf

Age: Half-elf equivalent of mid-twenties

Class: Paladin (Oath of the Ancients)

Appearance: I imagine her looking a little different than her in-game version, mainly in body type and hair length, as well as some facial differences. She's about 5' 8" (Astarion won't let her forget that she's nearly a whole inch shorter than him), but not as lean and obviously muscular as the type 3 body option in-game. She's strong, but isn't as slim as the other female characters. The vanilla game doesn't have the option, but I imagine her with long wavy hair that she usually wears braided for combat and down when at rest. She has numerous scars.

Personality: She's very introverted and quiet, preferring to observe and listen than be any sort of center of attention. She's extremely good at reading and understanding others, but is rarely understood herself. She is giving to a fault, and needs to learn not to be the "therapist friend" all the time. Being high-masking autistic, she comes across as weird or just quiet to most people who don't know her. She's defined by her selflessness, empathy, and passion, though she struggles to express the latter openly. Despite her social struggles, she will stand firm when defending someone and upholding her oaths. She hates it when people (Astarion) call her a self-sacrificial paladin stereotype, because it's true.

Overview:

She is pretty similar to Wyll in a lot of ways, in that she wears the mask of the protector, always putting everyone else first, driven by compassion. While she becomes extremely attached to her companions very quickly, she struggles greatly to form the genuine, profound connection she desires. She doesn't like to talk about her past because though she craves emotional intimacy like a drug, it also terrifies her.

She's a paladin, sworn to the Oath of the Ancients, because she feels fundamentally like an outsider. In her mind, if she can't belong among people, at least she can protect and care for them from afar. Chronic self-isolation has led her to feeling extremely off-balance once this group of tadpole-infested weirdos decides that she's the person to follow around the wilds of Faerun looking for a cure. She has never been accepted as a leader of any kind before, so she's uncertain, but finds drive in the fact that people are putting their faith in her. She would give anything to not let them down.

River finds Astarion intriguing from the beginning, and immediately wants to get through to him. She can see the mask he wears, even when others insist on taking him at face value. She doesn't support his more sadistic tendencies, but she sees the good in him from early on, and can tell there's much more to his story. Him being a vampire isn't that big of a deal to her; she is practical, and has a good sense of his character by then. She feels understanding and care for him more than anything else, so she puts her trust in him. (Interesting, considering her oaths, as the forces of nature aren't too keen on undead... Foreshadowing?) She ends up falling for Astarion in act 2 because of how he's finally opening up a bit, and she can see the soft, bright, passionate, incredibly strong man he is under the facade. After a whole lot of patience and consistent support, of course. Astarion shows time and time again that he seems to accept and understand River in a way nobody else, even their other companions, ever has. They're the one person in each other's lives who has never judged the other. Well, Astarion judges and openly mocks her plenty in the beginning for her bleeding heart, but never for the things she feels that deep-rooted shame over, like her autistic traits.

They're both learning together what it means to form connection after a lifetime of disconnect and loneliness, in a world that does not accept either of them without conditions. They may look like opposites to those who don't realize that their asymmetry is simply reflection. They challenge each other in the best ways, and deep down, they know a lot of the same pain. It sounds cheesy, but I think they balance each other out in a way that pushes them both to be better, braver people.

I'm currently working on a fic that I think will consist of several chapters occurring at important and illustrative points in both the game's narrative and their relationship. River has a lot of growth across the story in terms of self-acceptance, confronting her relationship with her Oaths, connecting, and reclaiming her identity. I love writing her and Astarion in any given situation, not to mention her relationships with the other companions. She's far from my best-written or most unique original character, but I care about her and her story. I'm trying to take my time and not put pressure or judgement on myself, and to just have fun with it. I'm also on the verge of committing to a post-game fic about Astarion and River, which I have SO many ideas for, involving tons of fluff, healing, Astarion's bucket list of "Things I Want To Do Now That I'm Not Slave To An Evil Vampire Lord", and plenty of interesting vampiric chaos in the Underdark. That story will be a bigger commitment, but I feel so inspired to write it. Something about writing her and Astarion is just so comforting to me.

While this character is very much like me in a lot of ways, she's also different in crucial ones, and I think I'm learning a lot by writing her.

(Now, I'm on my way to starting a Dark Urge playthrough, and I have some Ideas of how River could fit perfectly in that role, from what I know about the resist Dark Urge storyline. The angst and metaphors would be dialed up to 100. With some backstory changes, it could work really well, I think. So don't be surprised if she potentially becomes a Dark Urge AU version of herself in the future haha. Writing fanfic has been so freeing because I can just DO that if i want to. My character can be fluid. There are no rules. Hells yeah.)

*(I came up with her name before I even got the game, and so her name being in the main theme song makes it seem cheesy but I don't care lol)

To me, this game is about collecting rocks and minerals, actually

For me, the Spawn ending means trying again to live a normal life, after a long Depression, while the Ascension is a complete break—a total "I don't care about anything anymore." Like a golden shot.

That's why the Ascension feels like a form of salvation, like an absolute surrender of oneself. Kind of: I do what I want, I don't worry about anything anymore. In contrast, the Spawn ending means experiencing things like friendship again. love, but therefore responsibility.

A total end vs a new beginning.

Both is tempting tbh

_Its time to try living again

_I feel alive

Sometimes I see people say that using persusion on Astarion to talk him out of ascension is a bad thing. Like it's mind control, but honestly, 15 is not a hard DC, that is a task of moderate difficulty. It is harder to get Wyll to smooch you at the party, or to get Shadowheart not to mercy kill her parents then to convince Astarion that mass slaughter is a bad idea and he doesn't need to do this.

Also, it's literally just talking. It's just being convincing, all the skill is is assigning a number value to how well Tav can articulate a point.

If Larian wanted it to be a difficult they would have given it a Dc 20, and if Larian wanted it to be mind control it would have been illithid wisdom.

He's getting the chance to explore his hobbies and passions 🥺