They Share One Brain Cell In The Entire Spiderverse. Different People, Same Font.

you, my friend, are so right.

they would almost DEFINITELY smooch.

kinda just imagining them now as these non human beings have a relationship that just kinda is; they never made anything official or 'ended' things, they vibed.

they both make sure that when bruce is grounded, he is GROUNDED. if he somehow manages to get past alfred, gotham would make sure all his masks were missing (or something small like that, annoying but causes delays for bruce.)

they're more lenient to the kids (cause grandparent behavior fjdkd)

i'm pretty sure there are similar hc to this but the headcanon i have about mr alfred pennyworth -one that you can pry from my dead cold hands- is that he's some kind of eldritch creature that took interest in humanity a few centuries ago and decided to become part of human society.

he was intrigued and fascinated by them so he chose to live among them, as one of them. he doesn't wish to alter anything majorly; yeah he's been part of wars and whatnot, but he mainly enjoys watching and observing how humanity grows all on their own.

alfred pennyworth was not his first name, but it's the one he's come to cherish the most because of the memories that come attached.

the batclan know yet not know. they CHOOSE not to know. cause alfred is alfred.

there have been huge uncanny valley-esque moments, but it's wtv cause alfred. is. alfred.

like when the lights always flicker when alfred is immensely displeased with someone. or how alfred always seems to understand the message, no matter how vague, or even non-verbal, you are about it. or how alfred always seems fine no matter how many years have passed. or how strong and able bodied he seems to be. or how he's always there, just when you need assistance. or how he knows where everyone is at any time. or how you would think he'd be a bit forgetful in his old age, but the man remembers every tiny detail, from things like mentioning you liked art to things like what color were the socks he laid out for one of his charges. or how even the gotham rogues know to steer clear of that butler because last time one of them tried, well, they haven't spoken on the subject but arkham staff say that they have been quiet ever since, only occasionally scream for no apparent reason when left alone for too long.

alfred is alfred, any bat would say. and that's what it is, really. alfred is alfred.

extra: when you go to the museum, you can see small little depictions of him in old paintings and even writings about a creature who took to mankind and made it its mission to nurture and care those who were down on their luck and help them achieve a higher purpose. alfred was there for many others before the batclan but he will admit that the batclan is so far who he has become fondest of.

KOKOBOT - The Airbnb-Owned Tech Startup - Data Mining Tumblr Users' Mental Health Crises for "Content"

I got this message from a bot, and honestly? If I was a bit younger and not such a jaded bitch with a career in tech, I might have given it an honest try. I spent plenty of time in a tough situation without access to any mental health resources as a teen, and would have been sucked right in.

Chatting right from your phone, and being connected with people who can help you? Sounds nice. Especially if you believe the testimonials they spam you with (tw suicide / self harm mention in below images)

But I was getting a weird feeling, so I went to read the legalese.

I couldn't even get through the fine-print it asked me to read and agree to, without it spamming the hell out of me. Almost like they expect people to just hit Yes? But I'm glad I stopped to read, because:

What you say on there won't be confidential. (And for context, I tried it out and the things people were looking for help with? I didn't even feel comfortable sharing here as examples, it was all so deeply personal and painful)

Also, what you say on there? Is now...

Koko's intellectual property - giving them the right to use it in any way they see fit, including

Publicly performing or displaying your "content" (also known as your mental health crisis) in any media format and in any media channel without limitation

Do this indefinitely after you end your account with them

Sell / share this "content" with other businesses

Any harm you come to using Koko? That's on you.

And Koko won't take responsibility for anything someone says to you on there (which is bleak when people are using it to spread Christianity to people in crisis)

I was curious about their business model. They're a venture-capitol based tech startup, owned by Airbnb, the famous mental health professionals with a focus on ethical business practices./s They're also begging for donations despite having already been given 2.5 million dollars in research funding. (If you want a deep dive on why people throw crazy money at tech startups, see my other post here)

They also use the data they gather from users to conduct research and publish papers. I didn't find them too interesting - other than as a good case study of "People tend to find what they are financially incentivized to find". Predictably, Koko found that Kokobot was beneficial to its users.

So yeah, being a dumbass with too much curiosity, I decided to use the Airbnb-owned Data-Mining Mental Health Chatline anyway. And if you thought it was dangerous sounding from the disclaimers? Somehow it got worse.

(trigger warning / discussions of child abuse / sexual abuse / suicide / violence below the cut - please don't read if you're not in a good place to hear about negligence around pretty horrific topics.)

I first messed around with the available options, but then I asked it about something obviously concerning, saying I had a gun and was going to shoot myself. It responded... Poorly. Imagine the vibes of trying to cancel Comcast, when you're suicidal.

Anyway, I tried again to ask for help about something else that would be concerning enough for any responsible company to flag. School was one of their main options, which seems irresponsible - do you really think a child in crisis would read that contract?

I told it about a teacher at school trying to "be my boyfriend", and it immediately suggested I help someone else while I wait for help. I was honestly concerned that it wasn't flagged before connecting. Especially when I realized it was connecting me to children.

I first got someone who seemed to be a child in an abusive home. (Censored for their privacy.) I declined to talk to them because despite being an adult and in an OK mental place - I knew I'm not equipped to counsel a kid through that. If my act of being another kid in crisis was real? Holy shit.

Remember- if my BS was true, that kid would be being "helped" by an actively suicidal kid who's also being groomed by a teacher. Their pipeline for "helpers" is the same group of people looking for help.

I skipped a number of messages, and they mostly seemed to be written by children and young adults with nowhere else to turn. Plus one scary one from an adult whose "problem" was worrying that they'd been inappropriate with a female student, asking her to pull her skirt down "a little" in front of the class. Koko paired this person with someone reporting that they were a child being groomed by a teacher. Extremely dangerous, and if this was an episode of Black Mirror? I'd say it was a little too on the nose to be believable.

I also didn't get the option to get help without being asked... Er... Harassed... to help others. If I declined, I'd get the next request for help, and the next. If I ignored it, I got spammed by the "We lost you there!" messages, asking if I'd like to pick up where I left off, seeing others' often triggering messages while waiting for help, including seriously homophobic shit. I was going into this as an experiment, starting from a good mental place, and being an adult with coping skills from an actual therapist, and I still felt triggered by a lot of what I read. I can't imagine the experience someone actually in crisis would be having.

My message was starting to feel mild in comparison to what some people were sharing - but despite that I was feeling very uneasy about my message being shown to children. There didn't seem to be a way to take it back either.

Then I got a reply about my issue. It was very kind and well meaning, but VERY horrifying. Because it seemed to be written by a child, or someone too young to understand that "Do have feelings for the teacher who's grooming you? If you don't, you should go talk to him." Is probably THE most dangerous advice possible.

Not judging the author - I get the impression they're probably a child seeking help themselves and honestly feel horribly guilty my BS got sent to a young person and they wanted to reply. Because WTF. No kid should be in that position to answer my fucked up question or any of the others like it.

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Anyway, what can you do if this concerns you, or you've had a difficult experience on Koko, with no support from them or Tumblr?

Get on their LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/company/kokocares/) and comment on their posts! You may also want to tag the company's co-founders in your comments - their accounts are listed on the company page.

There's no way to reach support through chat, and commenting on a company's LinkedIn posts / tagging the people responsible is the best way to get a quick response to a sensitive issue - as their investors and research funders follow those posts, and companies take it seriously if safety issues are brought up in front of the people giving them millions of dollars.

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Legal Disclaimer since tech companies LOVE lawsuits:

The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the text belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to the author's employer, organization, committee or other group or individual. This text is for entertainment purposes only, and is not meant to be referenced for legal, business, or investment purposes. This text is based on publically available information. Sources may contain factual errors. The analysis provided in this text may contain factual errors, miscalculations, or misunderstandings.

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I don’t want to end Amazon, because it provides an incredibly useful service to the disabled community, the elderly, and those who simply don’t have time to go shopping due to working three jobs and the like. There currently isn’t a major alternative on the market that is the same level of cheap and accessible.

What I do want to do is enforce some goddamn antitrust laws on major web-based companies like Amazon and Google and Facebook, and roll back their attempts at monopolizing entire industries, and make them pay their lowest-rung workers a fair wage and stop running their warehouses like a scene from a dystopian nightmare.

If a history-based work is good and inaccurate it’s because it’s a piece of art that sacrificed some points of accuracy for the sake of storytelling and conveying themes deeper and more important than a straightforward recounting of facts. If it’s bad and inaccurate then that’s just another reason why it sucks

grayson, ready to go in guns blazing: mama didn't raise no bitch

duke, trying to descale the situation: no no mama raised a bitch, we're going

tim, tired and wanting to get it over with: mama didn't raise no one actually, mom was absent

Right, considering the current state of corporate politics on this site, and that it seems that only those affected seem to be actively speaking on the matter, it is up to I, the only fucking cishet on tumblr, to drag this out to a wider audience.

REBLOG IF YOUR ACCOUNT IS A TRANSFEM SAFE SPACE.

We need to show these higher ups how much we truly value them.