HOLY FUCK POSEIDON AND DIONYSUS BLESSED ME. Got Wine Drunk On The Beach And Took A Swim :D Happy Happy

call me crazy but i think nightly hypnotherapy might actually be helping?? like i notice i just wake up sm more pleasant when i do it vs when i don’t?? do i actually go find a real hypnotherapist now??

i hate how i am rotten from the inside out as a person. why can’t i get it right? why can’t i figure it out? why can’t i change to be enough?

venting and oversharing to the void for a sec:

i try my hardest to be like “yay healing!!” but idk trauma work is hard. fanfic and fandom culture got me through the worst of the worst moments of my life. it’s alarming, because this past year i somewhat now have a life that isn’t unbearable to be present in. but today i find my brain needing to be anywhere but in the real world.

i’m 16 again, filling my head with fluffy stories where i’m not this deeply traumatized girl and things all turn out perfectly. being 16 does not feel good.

i needed that praise- i needed you ten years ago. i learned how to live with a present but absent father, i learned how to live with the years of emotional abuse and pain, i learned that nothing i can do is ever right or enough.

i don’t need you now, it’s too little too late. leave me the fuck alone.

three hours later and i was in literal tears about how unfair it is that i have to work so hard to be a person. this Borderline shit got HANDS

i stg this shit is just Big Puppy Disorder. like wag wag wag my tail over this new friend, he is so nice and he is so nice to me and i want to be his puppy and make him happy too :3

i’m like some braindead golden retriever wtf is going on.

had a dream where i texted michael and we just fought and fought lmfao. would happen if i reach out again fr

michael i search and scan every damn tweet and every new song added to every playlist you make. i cant believe i meant nothing to you. after all this time, not one day goes by where you think of me. i’m not even worth a text back, an acknowledgment, a godforsaken breath in my direction.

fuck you. fuck it all. i wish i hated you. i hope you find everything you ever wanted in that fuck ass disgusting place you moved to. don’t come back, not now, not ever.

i hate how every man i ever love is a narcissistic, unfeeling asshole. i give up. i won’t make friends, i won’t love anyone, i cant do this anymore. being alone hurts, but mourning every person i ever lose for YEARS like they’re dead hurts way worse.

thank you michael, for ruining me. for ruining everything without so much as a fucking clue to what i could have done.

fuck you. hope you’re happy.

my heart hurts, everything hurts, i leave teeth marks in everything i’ve ever loved