— Mémoire 24 ✩ His Wish

Vanitas no Carte ✧ Vanitas and Astolfo Parallel

I totally agree! I don't want them to treat it as if it's something that's done overnight and I think showing him spiral even farther than he already is would be helpful in also making it more obvious that addiction isn't something that just goes away, it takes a lot of work and sometimes it's a life time commitment to getting better and that it's okay too.

I'd also love to see the use of therapy being beneficial for ones wellbeing because though there are instances where it can cause more harm (I've experienced quite a few personally), not all of it is bad. We have so much media that portrays it as something bad (we even see that Diego and Lila in S2 when one of the staff threatens and even hurts Diego), so showing the good that can come from it would be great. There's actually a fic I've been reading where the writer talks about Klaus going to therapy and sharing some of his therapy sessions with his siblings and I really love that!

Of course, with the episode limit there's no way to fit all of this on top of everyone else's storylines and I don't want a spinoff focusing on just Klaus like some in the fandom want because damn do I love him, but I would have loved for this all to be a part of the major storyline.

I saw your post talking about Klaus' addiction and how his family plays into the role of how society tends to treat addicts, which I totally agree on and I'm so thankful to see others speak up on it, but I also wanted to bring up that there's even more issues with how some people in the fandom, and society as well, treat addiction.

A lot of society only treats addicts horribly if their drug(s) of choice are "hard drugs". Nobody sees Allison's smoking cigarettes in S3 or all the drinking done in all seasons as an addiction because they've been so normalized. They're so normalized that there are hundreds of shows that show a lot of drinking and/or smoking cigarettes/cigars and hardly anyone considers any of those characters as addicts.

And I think that also plays into the way Klaus' siblings treated him while struggling with addiction because they participate in it too, but they never get called an addict because their addictions are "normal". "Why can't Klaus just drink like everyone else and not do 'hard drugs'"?

Oh absolutely, I did actually get into this a bit in a follow-up post (here)

And like, addictive behaviours can latch onto anything. Gambling, exercise, food, shopping, music, sex, gaming... if it gives a moment of happiness and dopamine it can become maladaptive as an outlet and an escape...

Alcohol causes much more social and physical harm than many "hard" drugs, and in much smaller quantities, despite being much more socially acceptable. And it isn't criminalized in the same ways (which is good, because criminalizing a health issue is wrong and doesn't work, because social rejection and judgment force people deeper into addiction, and by making things illegal you create black markets and fund organised crime and really do everything to increase the problem at hand).

And you're right in that the siblings (and society) treat drinking (and smoking) as different, even with Klaus who is very much an alcoholic...

Because many people do turn to bad habits and alcohol during bad times.

But it is interesting to note that while a large number of the siblings are self-medicating during that time due to their level of alcohol use, and in a very unhealthy way, it doesn't necessarily mean they're addicts as well. Or rather, not addicts in the same way as Klaus.

I'm reminded of a study done about drug use, particularly heroin usage, by soldiers in the Vietnam War. Where drug use was ubiquitous and at incredibly high levels. And yet when most of these soldiers returned home they stopped using it entirely (and this is a physical dependency causing substance, so unsupervised withdrawal can easily kill a person).

Because they were no longer in the situation they wanted to escape.

Of course not every soldier stopped using, and the homeless, addicted veteran is a well-known figure in the popular consciousness for a very real reason. But often those soldiers who kept using weren't coming back to any sort of support system or a good situation at all. And there was, and still is, a huge lack of support for the trauma inflicted by war on those forced into it ( I say as someone who had half their family conscripted into a Cold War related war, even if it wasn't the Vietnam War specifically).

It was something of a real-life example of the Rat Park experiment, which has trended on Tumblr before, and also illustrated how connected addicted behaviours are to the environment that people are in...

But this is to me part of why they treat their behaviour as "different" and why they also don't bother Klaus about his drinking in s2 and 3, even as he consumes much more than any of them and started carrying a flask again that he's seen drinking from constantly, even in the less stressful situations he's in since he first relapsed s2...

Because he can't stop once he started again.

The others can't comment on his drinking, if they even notice it with everyone being so wrapped up in their own things, because they're all also drinking at unhealthy levels, particularly in s3, and it's the end of the world so from their perspective, "fuck it!". But even though their own dependency at that point is unhealthy, it's still not at the same level as Klaus's...

Because there is nuance when it comes to addiction and dependence and situational dependency and so much else...

But it is also cause for them to finally sympathise and recognise that "there goes them but for the grace of god", because they really aren't as different as they would like to think... (which tbh, it seems like Luther got after s1, given how he's treated Klaus since)

This is another reason why I'm also so sad about the 6 episode announcement. Because these things being addressed would be best without the apocalypse hanging over them all and giving them the excuse to ignore stuff

But yeah, I think they're gonna be stretched to try and wrap up the plot, and character development and moments are gonna be sacrificed...

Anyway, I have so many thoughts about these topics, and I am so thankful for every ask that allows me to indulge in me thinking my thoughts!

which isn’t that much money

Sacheen Littlefeather has passed away on October 2nd 2022. While people remember her for her acceptance speech on behalf of Marlon Brando, know that she also ended the media blackout of the Wounded Knee occupation, won an Emmy & co-founded the American Indian AIDS Institute of San Francisco.

The Umbrella Academy Season 4 (Deleted Scene)

klaus has this habit of searching for answers and purpose in the same place he lost them. his autonomy was stolen from him as a child, and he lives with that loss every day. it’s quite common for people with that experience to live with dissociative symptoms, and i actually think klaus is a realistic portrayal of that. while it’s never outright said that it’s dissociation he deals with, i think a lot of survivors could probably see it in him. he’s always seemed to feel a disconnect with himself, with his own body (for example – and this is a small one – when he told ben “you’re not getting in this body,” rather than my body). his identity is something transient, something that shifts drastically sometimes depending on the situation he’s in, which is a common experience in people with dissociative symptoms – we’re like “chameleons.” 

he forgets key things regarding his trauma: that, or his brain will twist the events to make them more palatable to himself. he didn’t remember being killed as a child, even though it happened multiple times. and despite not remembering anything, he still has visceral reactions when it comes to being confined. he may not consciously remember every event, but his body does, and so he reacts accordingly, as if the threat of being killed again were a present one. because the body remembers the loss of control, it remembers the autonomy that was once stolen. then there’s “bus ball.” obviously, it was an objectively shitty, terrifying thing, being once again murdered, multiple times by your own father and abuser – and as an experiment, no less. despite that, the events were portrayed as something that was for the most part fun, almost. and when he vaguely recounted said events later on, he referred to it as “bus ball.” like it really was nothing more than a game. that’s another common dissociative symptom, and a common trauma symptom: being so disconnected on a certain level from your own trauma that you’re able to talk about it like it’s nothing. that you’re able to remember a skewed version of it so that you don’t have to internalize any of the real terror.

touch is another one. klaus is a very tactile person. he communicates well through touch. but he often doesn’t like being touched, unless it’s from someone he knows, loves and trusts.

he startles easily, too. will jump back at sudden movements or words, gets frightened by loud noises and will cover his ears.

his need for connection is relevant here, too. he has a hard time being alone with himself, and so he finds people to cling to, or finds people that will cling to him, just to stave off those feelings and to ground himself, almost. sometimes it spirals out of control, like with the cult. but his constant need for connection stems from feeling disconnected.

one of his passing comments to luther in s1 (”I remember my first time… oh no. i don’t”) hits hard, too. it’s not uncommon for trauma victims to experience hypersexuality as a result of this loss of autonomy. and then, to not even remember some of these encounters (obviously, the drugs/alcohol likely play a role in this not remembering. but hey, what’s addiction often a symptom of? oh yeah. trauma.)

this disconnect he feels from his own body is also why he was able to have certain encounters even with people he didn’t like. keechie comes to mind. he didn’t like keechie, that was made clear. but it sounds like he still had no problem having sex with him, despite this. it’s common, when you have dissociative symptoms, to feel this sort of disconnect. you don’t always care what happens to a body that doesn’t feel like yours, hell, you can enjoy it, sometimes – even if you don’t like the person you’re doing it with.

it’s why he gets off on torture, too. klaus being a masochist was clearly portrayed in episode four, but then was referenced again two other times. (”if i see a boner, i’m out” when he was being tied up, and, “i’m going to beat you, and not the way you like it.”) when you grow up tortured and become accustomed to it it’s easy for the brain to say “hey, this is unbearable so actually we like this thing now. that’ll make it bearable!” i mean, obviously it’s a little more complicated than that, but that’s the gist of the situation. 

you often find comfort – or even pleasure – in familiarity, even when familiarity isn’t safe. we see that in klaus.

and that leads me back to my main point: klaus searches for answers, he searches for purpose in the same places he lost them. if he can give up his body to anyone who will take it, then maybe he can take back autonomy, is what he might think. if he can have a say in his own destruction, whether it’s addiction or reckless behavior, then maybe he can take back control. 

but that’s never truly how it plays out. a trauma survivor will never find what they’re looking for this way. i believe that klaus is starting to realize this, even if he does run into setbacks, and even though he will continue to run into setbacks. if he wants to find control, and if he wants to find purpose, he will have to reroute that energy into a path of recovery rather than destruction. it’s a hard hill to climb, but we know he can do it.

i could say more about this, but i think this says enough, for now.

The mothers & their character

Musing on what we get to see of the Umbrella mothers, I have some thoughts. I wonder if the mothers were shown as deliberate reflections of their children?

Luther’s Mother. A confident business lady, giving or about to give a presentation. She shows leadership, confidence (that dress folks, YES), poise. Professional strength and intelligence. All things that Luther has aspired for.

Diego’s Mum. Shown in the home, preparing a meal. A home maker, caring, love language presumably acts of service. A reflection on how Diego always seems to have wanted to be a real family, with real connnections and care. His closeness with Mom/Grace. Also, knife skills.

Allison’s Mother - a teacher. And if my memory serves me, teaching geography/geology with a diagram of the earth’s layers on the chalkboard. A nurturer who works with youths/children, and who has the power to inspire and change lives with her words.

Klaus’ Mother - Amish. The simple, self-sufficient and religious life doesn’t seem a good fit at first glance, but when you look a little deeper I think there’s some parallels. Religion/Spirituality/Mediumship/literal crossing to the other side are all linked beneath the surface. And the self sufficient life style - Klaus has never really gone without. Whatever he has thought he needed or wanted (materialistically) he has been able to get, one way or another. He’s adaptable, a charmer, he always lands on his feet.

Five’s mother, the butcher. A professional who can get the job done, isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty, but can work with precision. Ability to separate emotions from the job at hand. Also, excellent blade skills and good understanding of anatomy. A good parallel to Five’s ruthless fighting style and the professional pride he took in his assassination work.

Ben’s schoolgirl mom. Young, really starting to explore life, with years and years ahead of her. Too young to be thrust into motherhood, such a momentous change, regardless of the instantaneous nature of it. A reflection or mirror to her son, who was beginning to explore life outside of the academy and died too young.

Viktor’s mother. The aspiring olympic swimmer who wanted to rise above ordinary and compete with the extraordinary - something Viktor longed for for most of his life and formed a huge part of the S1 arc, and really still influences Viktor even in S3.

I feel like that's kinda the point. Chaos isn't going to be something that stays consistent, much like how chaos in our lives is never consistent. I personally like the change and hope that if there is anything past Hades 2 that they continue to change it because I think it works perfectly for who I believe Chaos is like.

I also feel that the head is included to show that chaos always leads to change, and what better way to represent change than a whole change of design but still making it known, especially for those who've played Hades, that Chaos is change.

I don’t know how to feel about this. i like the design but it’s so different from the first game (esp with the head from the first game in their hand) so I want to know why they felt the need to change chaos’s design at all. chaos was conventionally attractive in the first game wrt their face so I want to know if this is meant to lean into that—and once again, why