Kristy Is Aroace. No I'm Not Taking Any Arguments.

I reaaaaaaaallllllyyyyy wanna re-watch OITNB but I don't think I'm emotionally ready to see Poussey again~

How many reminders is too many annoying reminders?

I've been going to the same therapist for over two years and i mentioned that I wanted to be an in patient because I'm a danger to myself and my therapist said she trusts my process. When I told my mom this, she asked me to try EFT - something different - first before becoming an in patient. This was also the time when my therapist moved houses to another state. And it was after my therapist increased the fee. But yeah, anyway, while booking a session with her , my therapist told my mom that she thinks it'd be better to not have two therapists at the same time (which she'd already told me but i took in the sense that we'd ease into it and take a break and then continue because I didn't want a new therapist tbh) but my mom got upset.

And then I did have a session with her and we discovered transference was happening from both sides so we decided to do once a month sessions. And this was also when my therapist's relative died and so many things happening differently. Today while my mom was trying to book a session my therapist asked her if she'd paid already and there was a lil confusion and my mom got pissed and she ranted to me and i HATED hearing it

Not only did I hate that she was thinking negatively of my therapist but my mom also said "she's saying stuff like this only after you started the EFT sessions with another therapist" and i had already been overthinking that my therapist wouldn't want me anymore that she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me finally that now she's not interested and that she's upset because y'know bpd fucking sucks. And my mom saying this felt like further proof and I wanted to cry and scream and throw a tantrum and tell her to shut up and not talk about her like that AND I also wanted to ask my therapist for reassurance but I didn't because what if she was going through something and that's why .

My house is under renovation and i have to write an entrance exam soon for pg i opened up to my family about my mental health issues - so many new things and i cannot and i can't be fully free with the EFT therapist because there's a mental block there I'm holding back things because I don't want her to make me totally okay because if that happens then I won't be able to talk to my therapist because there won't be big proper reasons and i can't do that and what the EFT therapist does make me feel better but i don't want her to because it feels like a betrayal

And now I feel like I'm floating and I feel like everything's changed and imagining not having her fills me with panic and anxiety and I feel like I fucked everything up and i don't know I'm distancing myself from her or trying to hold on too much and i just want to give up and die and i don't want therapy at all anymore i want nothing i want to be nothing

I feel like I've fucked up a good thing and i don't even know if EFT is working and i HATE everything and myself and the world and i literally cannot think badly of my therapist, my brain doesn't go there and i feel like if it did I would break I'm just blaming myself and hatung myself for everything and why am I like this

difference between shipping and queerbaiting, you ask?

Drarry = Shipping

Sterek = Queerbaiting

The day I learnt how to check my pulse, I felt like I was holding my life in my own hand. It took me a long time to find that accurate spot, but once I did, I just couldn't understand how people refrained from checking their pulse all the time. It was evidence that I was alive, that no matter how I felt inside, my body was alive, that it was kicking, and it felt nothing short of a miracle. There seemed to be a certain kind of beauty in having the ability to feel my own heartbeat, in having a part of my heart extending to my wrist - so much so that it took my breath away, made it skip a beat.

I think I understand it better now - why people advise us against wearing our heart on our sleeve. When that very heart on our sleeve is an indication of our existence; when that very heart on our sleeve is the indication of whether we are living; when that pulse we feel is proof of survival - baring that to danger, to vulnerability, to scrutiny, may very well be an invitation to pain, to death. It is a direct route to our softest spot, an easy access to our precious safe. Who in their right mind would make themselves defenceless to threat of exposure?

After all, Achilles never went around flaunting his heel.

sometimes I can tell when an episode is going to hit me y'know? my chest sinks and my head feels like all the air's been drained out of it, like till now it's been filled with water and feeling as such, but then when an episode is about to hit me or when I feel it coming, that water just flows out. and my throat feels cloggy and my tummy/chest area feels weird. Nowadays I can distract myself before it hits because I've numbed myself down so much and I've suppressed myself to much that I can swish it away or press it down so that I can prevent one, but then I just go back to feeling lonely or empty or whatever. and yeah, that's bad too

Yep

Just a thought.

I'm on the arospec and yesterday I had dream about my best friend and I being in a relationship and it brought me pure joy and delight in the dream so much so that I felt it after I woke up and i have never before thought of us that way and now I'm ajsjsjsk- so confused

I hate it when people do nice things for me on my birthday because I know that I don't deserve any of it and I'm a horrible person and I'm an imposter and I deserve only bad things but then that hurts too, but this hurts also

I feel like I'm a bad feminist, a fake feminist because my family doesn't let me wear the clothes I want while going out from home. I have to either fucking ask for permission or have a huge ass argument just to wear what i want and I feel like I d o nt have control over my own body that I'm not the owner of my own body that I'm 2 fucking 1 years old and I still have to deal with this shit and I want to cry and scream and punch something