Whoever Wrote This Has No Idea How Right They Are.

As I drove into work mostly still asleep, I had a sudden, horrifying sensation I left my light saber at home. The awake half of my brain took a minute to process how ridiculous the notion was I: Have a real light saber; would need said light saber for work. Sleeping only two-three hours a night is not a good way to live.

Friend of mine put this on my Facebook a long time ago and tagged me as the guy walking as a joke. Funny thing is he may have been right about something I never noticed until now. Everything I see is ruin, and I walk alone. Not for want of trying otherwise; just every time I put myself out there and look to change from this picture, my life falls apart, and I begin to lose my identity. Maybe it's karma. Maybe I just can't break from myself. Maybe somewhere in those barren visions is the answer I'm looking for.

When a friend of yours fiancée gets sexually assaulted and all you want to do is go on a rampage through England destroying dirtbags.

That Was Such A Bad Move

Life goals

I have decided that I am going to marry into a family the last name Fowler, take their name, and name my kid Bard Ash Moulder Fowler. I'd be such a proud dad.

Finding what you're looking for

Someone I know once told me his whole family holds the belief nothing good comes from introspection. As someone who has spent most of his life afraid of saying what I mean, doing what I want, and being what I want to be, this sounded like sage advice. Spending too much time worrying about nothings has taken its toll, and it's cost me more than one love so far. Was he right, though? Does cutting out self-consciousness totally do any good? Would it have helped me to be like that in those relationships I truly believed were better than I will ever have or deserve? Would that level of wanton ignorance be a blessing in the search for someone new? Is being how I am good enough? Were those really the perfect relationships I utterly fucked up? A part says I will never have love again, but another part rails against that notion because it all comes down to knowing what you want, having a goal, beginning at the end. Looking back, I never had those. I was so wrapped up in just getting into a relationship, I refused to see what truly was happening before my eyes. It almost killed me. Self-destructive, suicidal, depressed, angry, empty. Yet, because simply having someone meant more to me than being with them, I failed to turn away, and it hurt us both. I was too afraid to be me, so I settled with being a hideous visage of myself. Wearing different faces day-in day-out, and the longer it continued, the worse the relationships got. My relationship experience is little: Two, long-term things that turned into nightmares. Yet, both had several common denominators: 1) Me being an idiot; 2) Me not knowing what I wanted - which would have prevented both of those even starting in the first place. Sure, I liked them, but in the end, we didn't know each other fully. Looking back now, I can't believe we actually managed to get anywhere in the first place. We did like each other, but we settled. NEVER SETTLE FOR A WHOLE. Sure, once you know what you want, you may overlook certain aspects (physically, mentally, etc.), but NEVER give up everything for someone. If you're waking up irritated by being next to them, by having to call/text them, or by having to see them, you have overstayed your welcome in that relationship. Now, before arguing over the above, I mean irritated by everything they are for more than just a short time. People argue, disagree, fight, etc. Those do happen, but those aren't what I mean. If you either can't say "I love you," or it only feels like a hollow ring in your ears, things aren't working. It's time to change and find what you truly wanted all along. Finding that person or figuring out what they are is up to you. Like I said, I've only been in two, long-term relationships. Only ever been with five people total in a sexual sense. Taken me a long time to put much of any thought into why I messed up so bad. It would be nice to think myself as a person isn't terrible. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm as much of a monster as my exes accused me of being to them. Or, maybe we fit so poorly and fought it, we finally found we hated each other. Know what you want, take time to figure things out, be yourself, and don't let fear of anything push you away or pull you in. If a match is unlikely, don't rush. Save yourself and your other the loss down the road. Sure, feelings will likely be hurt, but you will only hurt more forcing a nightmare to continue. It's alright to walk away. It's alright to say "No." It's alright to be picky. Just be respectful.

Honestly, I'm kind of hoping I have a brain tumor so I'll know this weird shit isn't me just me being insane.

Consider It A Strong Warning

On a scale of 0 to this coffee spill, how are you feeling today?