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Am I just going to be feminine forever or something?

Hey all, I wrote some months ago about my concerns over lack of results while on testosterone. Giving an update here and to check back and see if anyone has any new input because I'm trying to stay patient and positive, but it's mega frustrating to be about 2 yrs on T and still be misgendered as female by the general public. :( Especially when I get referred to as "young lady" and my cis female coworkers get misgendered as "young boy." They don't look like boys at all, like they have long pretty hair and wear make up (they aren't very curvy or big chested but still), I don't get it. It sucks for all of us.

I have about 4 hairs on my chin and the barest of hints of fuzz on my upper lip. Granted, my brpther also has a hard time growing facial hair too so I'm not super surprised. My voice, while less chipmunk, is still very feminine. I still have a "soft" looking face and very feminine body (curvy with hips). My clit is still pretty tiny and I am STILL getting my period.

My endocrinologist has no idea why I'm still getting my period. Saw a gynocologist and she doesn't know. So now I have an IUD in to help with it, and while it helps with the amount of blood, I am STILL menstruating and I've had it in for almost half a year now. I've had tons of ultrasounds and they all come back normal. All of my bloodwork comes back low estrogen and high testosterone, but I'm not seeing hardly any effects.

I'm hopefully getting top surgery done within the next year so maybe that will help me not be misgendered so much... and then maybe I'll get around to finally ripping out my uterus and stuff.

So, consensus? Maybe I'm just always going to be feminine no matter what I do. I'll make peace with it if that's what it's going to be, but I really want to be at least recognizable...

Am I just being impatient? Is something wrong or is this just going to be who I am? Should I consult my endo about it some more? Anyone else have these results?

I'll stop whining/ranting now.

Alt Zadr day 3: angst  wherin Zim causes himself irreparable PAK damage and leaves Dib all alone  @alt-zadr-b1tch3z

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...........okay... I've enjoyed a lot of the SM/DP series. Pretty much all of it.

I'm a fairly trusting and optimistic guy and I very rarely poo-poo on stuff that is unfinished, because you never know how things will turn out.

And while I wasn't expecting things to turn out the way I wanted as the series was being cancelled, I was at least expecting.... something? A conclusion? Some kind of resolution to at least one character arc? .... possibly just less pages of event covers as the advertised "double length" volume.

... I'm not mad. It's not my story and it's just a comic, but as a fan and defender of the series I really felt kind of uncomfortable with the delivery of that ending. It kinda felt a bit bitter??

Dunno. Anyway, it's over.

As soon as I finish moving (end of June) and get my drawing tablet back and set up, I think I'm going to continue this series on my own. Just for shits and giggles and because Peter and Wade deserved better.

Debating on where to start up.

1. End of the Itsy Bitsy Arc

2. The Roadtrip

Depends on how much I want to keep canon-compliant.

Suggestions?

Jensen's "Homophobia," the JIB Fiasco, and the Future of Destiel

“There wasn’t a whole lot of Dean and Cas storyline in Season 9.  Personally, I kind of enjoy that.  I think the whole Dean and Cas thing has gotten a little out of proportion. But that’s not to say… I think it’s a kindred spirit…  I think Cas finds identity with Dean…  I don’t think there’s anything secret to the relationship even though a lot of people wish there was.  I certainly know that Misha and I don’t play that, so…”

Just reading some of those lines I can see where peoples’ thoughts went.  Probably something like this (correct me if I’m wrong, but these are the exact thoughts that people have had that I’ve seen on the #destiel feed in response to this): “He doesn’t like Dean and Cas scenes!  He was happy that they were apart!  This makes me so sad.  He thinks it’s stupid and out of proportion?  I feel sick and hurt…  Does he think that we’re like that too?  Kindred spirits?!  That’s such a no homo!  It’s because he’s homophobic…  He finally said it.  I wish they had said it sooner so I wouldn’t have to go through all this hurt and pain.  Destiel is sunk.  Goodbye!” Now, I see where everyone is coming from, like I said before we take this seriously.  But I feel sometimes that when conventions come around, we’re so caught up in the marvel of being in their presence that we don’t really listen to what they say (which is hilarious if you think about it, because all we do is analyze their characters to death).  Now look at what he says and really analyze it.  “There wasn’t a whole lot of Dean and Cas storyline in Season 9.”  That is truth.  There wasn’t, in comparison to the last season and compared to the rest of the stuff going on in S9.  I know a lot of us were complaining about this, so what he says is truth here.  But nothing to get upset over.  We already know this bit.  “Personally I kind of enjoy that. I think the whole Dean and Cas thing has gotten a little out of proportion.”  Now this here is his thoughts and opinions on the matter.  This I think is where a lot of people got sad, because the actor doesn’t want their views to come true.  He thinks that the Destiel thing has “gotten a little out of proportion.”  That term “proportion” is the key word that tells us that he is not being homophobic.  Proportion insinuates that there is a balance, something is proportionate.  There needs to be a balance in everything including the Destiel ship.  I think when he refers to it being out of balance, he is NOT referring to people shipping it in general.  He is NOT referring to the fanart or fanfics.  I DO believe he is referring to the fact that people are so protective over it that they are willing to send hate mail and cyber bully actors, writers, directors, and even executives over it.  And I do agree with that.  Cyber bullying is NOT okay.  No form of bullying is.  I think he feels comforted and relieved that on the show there is less fodder to provide fans with.  He’s hoping that the intensity of the ship dies down a little so everyone doesn’t feel like they are- to quote Misha- “walking on eggshells.”  That gets tiring.  They don’t want to upset any of us.  But we get upset when we are not told what’s going on...  But we ALSO get upset when we are told what is going on.  They can’t win with us.  We don’t let them.  And that’s stressful to a show that actually tries it’s best to cater to the fans and who actually LIKE us (from what we can tell… I mean what other show has so many actors that treat us like people?).  He also laughs while he says this in the video (watch the full video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGb86J2iXQs).  He doesn’t sound disgusted.  He doesn’t sound like he thinks it’s a bad thing.  It sounds like he thinks it’s a bit ridiculous… you know… this huge positive and slightly intimidating reaction to the relationship that was never meant to happen in the first place?  He realizes how it sounds though when he finishes what he says and because he doesn’t want to upset anyone, he tries his best to be respectful and says:  “But that’s not to say… I think it’s a kindred spirit…  I think Cas finds identity with Dean…”  This again is his opinion.  He’s not saying that Cas and Dean don’t have a bond.  But he believes that bond to be less sexual and more kindred spirit.  Now, go look up synonyms for kindred spirit… Right now.  I’ll wait for you to come back. Find them?  Good.  THAT is HUGE!!!  Essentially he says that what Dean and Cas have is an alter ego, a confidante, a companion, a friend, a “heart’s desire,” a help mate, a kindred soul, a lover, one’s promised, a partner, a true love, a soul mate.  And for me, when I watched the video and saw that he said this, I was SO EXCITED.  This is how I’ve always viewed Dean and Cas.  Soul mates.  Someone to be with forever, who get each other, and support each other.  I feel that this is more beautiful than sex or romance.  Cas also does find identity with Dean.  Look at all the things he’s adopted that Dean likes and does.  But don’t you also idolize the one you connect with most?  I sure do.  My husband is amazing and while I have my own stuff, I do admire him as much as he admires me and we sometimes adopt each other’s likes and habits.

And if you believe this, then what he says next makes all the more sense.  “I don’t think there’s anything secret to the relationship even though a lot of people wish there was.  I certainly know that Misha and I don’t play that, so…”  There ISN’T anything secret to it.  We already know Cas loves Dean and Dean loves Cas.  That they would do anything for each other.  That they would die for each other.  That they are kindred spirits.  This isn’t secret.  The secret he is referring to, I believe, is the sex and the romance aspect that “a lot of people wish there was.”  Dean’s never been one for romance and for him to have a secret romance with Cas I feel and I think he also feels would be OOC.  It’s the same reason that the “I love you” was taken out.  It’s not a no homo.  It’s keeping him in character.  Dean, I think (maybe if I’m remembering correctly) said “I love you” to Sam once.  Once!  Sammy, the person he cares for most in this world he has said it to ONCE (if that).  It’s not Dean’s style to say he loves people.  He just shows it by trying to keep them safe, by sacrificing his own needs for theirs.  So romance for Dean is not something that I’ve ever seen happening.  I mean, even with Lisa and Cassie?  He was never mushy or gushy with them.  So why would he be with anyone else?  Canonically he did love them.  Being romantic is just not who Dean is.  Dean is not good at the “love and… love” thing.  He said so himself.  That doesn’t mean he’s not a romantic at heart or that he does not love.  Just that he’s not the type to express it.   The sexual thing…  Dean has had one hook up recently and before that he didn’t have anyone for like a few seasons.  Dean is pretty much done with sex.  He’s done the do and it’s getting old when there is always the “adios.”  So what he’s saying is there is no secret romance or sex life between them, not that there isn’t love.  He’s not looking for sex.  He’s not looking for romance.  Dean is looking for someone to just be at his side.  A kindred spirit.  And that’s not secret.  Side note: notice that he says “a lot of people.”  He’s acknowledging that Destiel shippers are not a small part of the fandom.  He knows there’s a lot of us out there.    And as far as him and Misha not playing their relationship like that?  I believe he’s referring to the fact that he’s not playing like Dean has secret sex and snuggle time with Cas.  He’s referring to the fact that he’s not playing Dean as wanting to bang or cuddle with Cas at all (because like I said… Dean isn’t looking for sex or romance… he’s looking for his soul mate).  That doesn’t mean he doesn’t play Dean as loving Cas and having a special bond with him.  Now in reference to when they take things out like the “I love you” and the naked Deans… I don’t see this as them being “no homo.”  It was written there.  They wanted to go for it! This to me seems like a case where the writers are eager to give us something that we want (because they love us) and the actors are trying to keep their characters, in character about it.  I think this is what Jared meant when he said, “We didn’t want to make the episode seem like it was… like we’re hinting towards something.  Because that would have ruined the show to make it about something it wasn’t about.”  Now this can definitely be taken as “he thinks gay relationships would ruin the show.”  But again that’s not how I see what he meant.  Putting pictures of naked Dean would have hinted to us that Cas was sexually attracted to Dean and that Cas and Deans’ relationship was going to be a large part of the show.  Cas is in love with Dean, but we haven’t seen anything saying he was sexually attracted (yet).  And they didn’t want to lead us on about how big a part their relationship is in the show so they cut it.  I mean wouldn’t you be upset if you got that scene and then the rest was downplayed, because there’s just not enough room in the show to really expand on that?  Cas isn’t looking for sex either.  He’s not looking for romance just like Dean.  He’s just looking for Dean himself.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Personally, I don’t think they’re setting Dean up for a romance with Cas…  I think they’re setting them up to be soul mates.  Soul mates don’t have to have sex or hold hands to be in love.  They don’t need that because their love is stronger than physical affection.   Most importantly, and I feel a lot of people miss this… is that physical affection isn’t something that either of them need.  Their needs as individuals are not physical…  They’re emotional.  They’ve always been emotional needs.  Emotional can be physical, but what they are looking for is someone who accepts them and loves them unconditionally.  Someone to be with them forever.  Dean doesn’t do romance and Cas doesn’t know how.  So they show each other their love in manly gruff ways of sacrifice and sharing pieces of their lives.  And that’s how they best fill each other’s voids.  It’s not the same way that we usually show love, but this is the best most in character way the actors feel that Dean and Cas would show.      

Now that bit about ruining the show?  He’s not saying that Destiel would ruin the show because they’re gay.  He’s saying that it would ruin the show, because their relationship is not what the show is about.  It’s a small part of a bigger picture.  I can’t say the show is about two brothers’ anymore.  It’s more than that.  It’s about saving people, hunting things, free will, survival, and finding happiness somewhere in the middle of that.  So Dean and Cas’ relationship is a very small part of a larger picture, even though it is there.  They still find times to throw us hints now and again when they can, but by throwing out huge hints to it would make the show into something it’s not… the “Will-They-Won’t-They Dean and Cas show.”  Or just the “Dean and Cas Show” if they ever went through with it.  To bring them together and do their relationship justice, they would have to do character development based on their relationship after it was made canon and again… there’s just not time in the show for that.  It would have to be something small, sweet, background, and soulful… kind of like what we’ve been getting in S8 and parts of S9 and I'm guessing in S10. WE WOULD LOVE A DEAN AND CAS SHOW and if we got everything that we wanted (declaration of love, kiss, dates, consummation, etc), that’s what it would be and that’s not what Supernatural is.  So they give us small bits here and there, but ultimately that’s all they can do for now if they want to be true to the show’s purpose... ...To kill things (including our favorite characters).  lol 

And again, to clarify.  I AM NOT TRYING TO CHANGE YOUR OPINION ON ANYTHING.  I am stating what my thoughts, opinions, and beliefs on this matter are.  I am sharing, not dictating or telling people what to do.  I will offer the notion to stay positive and love yourself and treasure what you believe in, because that’s really what matters but it’s up to you to do what you will with that.  I think we’re a stellar community who sometimes fights like family does, but overall love each other and I feel that we should support one another… especially those that have fostered this fandom to begin with:  the creators, writers, cast, and crew of Supernatural. 

Congrats if you got to the end of this!  It was 10 pages long and I hope that if you were feeling down about anything that was said that maybe this made you feel at least a tad bit better?  :)   If not, I gives you a cyber cookie.  They’re delicious.  Just take a byte and imagine how delicious it is!  Okay I’m done being corny.  Anyways, I hope all of you feel better and try not to take things too hard.  You’re wonderful people and don’t let anyone convince you differently!!  

Well, it's not wrong lol they have such an eclectic family

The Spider-Man/Deadpool series is just about Wade and Peter falling in love while simultaneously adopting as many dangerous and destructive children as they possibly can

Can I power couple ship Amara/Dick Roman??  I don’t know why this sounds amazing to me?

Ezekiel & Lucifer

I just had a terrible thought (comes with me being all hyper about the new season!)....  You know how that other angel couldn't recognize Ezekiel?  And how Ezekiel was "wounded" during the fall?

What if Ezekiel is actually Lucifer (and it was a newer angel who had never seen him before his fall... or maybe they can't fully recognize each other in their meat suits and without wings) cast from the cage and injured from constantly fighting with Michael all this time?  

And now he's possessed Sam again and wants to ruin Sam, Dean, and Cas's relationships with each other for revenge while he heals his wounds from his battles with Michael.  

Tells Dean to keep Cas out, makes Dean lie and be all secretive to Sam.  Then when they're at their lowest and apart from each other he's all like "BAM!  I'm Really Lucifer Guyz!!  Miss me?!" And some form of End!Verse ensues.

Completely not likely, but it would throw me for a loop!

I don't know why it took me so long to realize this, but the "*ON" under Spiderman's name on Wade's free pass list, probably says "*ON THE CEILING."

He Just Wants to Be An Angel

"I just want to be an angel." This to me sounds a lot like Cas is regretful that he wasn't able to stop Dean's death.  ie.  If only I had been an angel this wouldn't have happened.  If only I had been an angel I could have saved Dean.   Cas thinks Dean is dead.  Would you really want to see the dead body of the person you love?  You may want to get there, but then won't you hesitate outside the door anyways?  Deans' body isn't going anywhere just yet and Cas doesn't want to see it right this second so he's just tying up loose ends in Heaven.  He'll go to see him I'm sure.   But that statement just sounds like a broken person who is frustrated that they couldn't do more, that he didn't have more to give and be more useful to Dean and Dean is now "dead."   He just wants to be an angel, to be useful again...  Back when he could just simply help, when he had more to give and sacrifice to Dean.  But he has to learn that his angelic powers aren't his only way to express his love to Dean and isn't just the only thing that can help.  Just his love and acceptance of Dean I think is what is really going to help Dean out in the end.   Honestly I think Cas when he sees that Dean is alive is just going to be relieved and hug demon!Dean and then try and help Sam figure out a way to get Dean back to being human.  

So like... what is happening in next weeks finale?? I almost wouldn't be surprised if they made a 2 hour alternate universe ending to satisfy us lmao