I'm Gonna Nnnyyyeeeehhhmhmhhmh😢😢😢🥀🥀🥀💥💥💥💥🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 Strangle

GIFTS FROM @gentlesurgeryenjoyer !!! 💥

Era I love you so much I love you so so so much 💔💔💔 I'm the happiest person ever now!

more mercenary analysis, whichever merc you want <3

Not a mercenary but... Okay!

Let's dissect Pauling

Always so collected, responsible and efficient. The one who is not afraid to get her hands dirty for the sake of a goal, and her performance is always one hundred percent. What could possibly be not cool about her?

Well, maybe the fact that this all is, in fact, an act. Of course it is.

I'm not saying her determination and dedication to her job aren't sincere decisions of her heart, she really enjoys it and shines in her work. It's just a matter of WHY and WHAT she's doing it for. And on what scale.

For her, her job is EVERYTHING. Eagerly working 364 days a year with barely any rest, masochistically putting herself in so much danger, blindly following the boss's instructions, not even hesitating to kill people standing on the way...

Wow, there's gotta be something going on here.

Well, obviously the Administrator plays A HUGE role in this situation. Why would Pauling trust her so much? Referring to the comics, Pauling trusted her wholeheartedly on whatever the Administrator was planning, even though she didn't know what it was. This blind following that vaguely resembles nothing less than a weird somewhat child-to-a-mother attachment. It's just a Boss, just a job, why?

Because that's what it is. Mother issues. Very apparent.

We don't know anything about Pauling's past, so there's where the headcanons begin:

I'm assuming her birth mother was very neglectful and dismissing, never acknowledged her daughter's accomplishments and struggles. No matter how hard Pauling tried to become "worthy" in her eyes, it seemed to be never enough, as if she didn't even exist at all. Maybe her mother was a substance addict or something and their household wasn't safe and stable, so Pauling had to become an adult early and run away from home as a teenager and find a job to get by.

(I assume that because I believe there was a mention in the canon lore that Ms.Pauling had been working for the Administrator for long long years (don't remember exactly), indicating that she started working when she was still a minor).

So, being taken under the Administrators wing, her young wounded brain found a substitute for a very thing she was lacking, subconsciously clinging onto the Administrator as a newly mother figure, in order to "get it right this time".

Administrators Strictness, responsibility and demandingness were the most favorite qualities of a person of authority in Pauling's eyes, in contrast to the laziness, unaccountability and indifference of the environment in which she grew up. She could finally strive.

This time she would show the mother figure that she's worthy, she's important and irreplaceable; she exists. She would prove that no amount of hardship is too much for her if it means approval for the Administrator.

And the Administrator kind-of-sort-of gave Pauling this pseudo-love in return, encouraging her to sacrifice herself even more for their work. Which is at the very least unfair, and at most just predatory. Administrators "love" was conditional, in contrast with when the real motherly love Pauling unknowingly expected. Administrator was too immature for a mother figure, too much in power for a partner or a friend, yet too close for a formal boss. What is this!? Something not nice.

The Administrator doesn't love Pauling for Pauling, she loves her working qualities. And thus, Paulings subconscious guess was confirmed that "I'm only important when I'm doing the job. I AM the job."

Tying your worth to what you DO instead of what you are is a huge dangerous existential rout one could choose. But she never really knew her importance outside of her skills, so she wouldn't know.

Now imagine how actually painful that character arc was for her, when the Administrator proved herself to be unreliable and secretive, and when Pauling started to question her intentions for the first time.

"... Because I trusted you!"

"Then why are you questioning me now?"

It wasn't even the real conversation between them, just Pauling's mind torturing her.

It reminded me of the crisis of a 4-year-old when they realise that their parents aren't perfect; they don't know anything and they CAN hurt you.This shattering illusion of almighty love. When a child stops believing that the "harsh love" their mother treats them with is simply an abuse.

Wouldn't it be terrifying to realise in your 20s thar despite running for "the mother's approval" all your life, you will never truly get it. If your mother failed to provide it to you at such a young age, nothing will truly substitute that, especially now, when you're an adult, no one will love your inner child the way it was supposed to be loved.

Unless you yourself decide to take that role.

...

Realistically speaking, it's not nearly that sever with Pauling! She's happy in the environment she's in, there's lots of interests for her to explore (Guns, fights, killin'!) So many adventures every day! Even if Pauling has her inner suffering, it's not that bad aa I describe it. Her mother problems may actually be an advantage, a reason she is such a good and caring boss for the mercenaries.

I'm just edgying things down for the sake of the clearer analysis. But still...

If the Administrator will be gone and Pauling loses her life-dedicated job... What will be left? Who is Pauling once Mann Co is no more? Can she answer that?

References:

– A video that helped me better understand the Good Girl mask:

– "Lise Bourbeau's 5 soul wounds model: Injustice"

Just wanted to say I loved your portal crossover drawings with TF2 a while back. Cave and Caroline looked spectacular (as did all the Tf2 crew)!

Thank you so much!

I love how similar portal 2 and tf2 are in many aspects, like. The eccentric moron CEO? The assistant who doesn't respect herself but will do anything for her boss? Wacky ass inventions? Random superpower elements (moon rocks, australium)? Medical malpractice (mantis dna / baboon hearts)???

If you think about it, Black Mesa also is a hilariously dumb facility. Like, they weren't even joking as much in hlvrai, what the hell are those pira cutter rooms? Random goo crushing press? Nothing is OSHA approved. Wtf are these for?😭

The orangeboxverse is just inherently funny.

I wanted to let you know that I absolutely adore your artwork and your "Anomaly Diversion" fic, and I sincerely hope you continue it.

I understand that it's a huge undertaking to write something so detailed and beautiful, and there is no pressure for you to keep going if you can't, but I just wanted to tell you how much I love your work <3

This made me tear up... I feel so seen.

I really appreciate that you see how it is, indeed, very hard... But it's worth it. I've recently started making a Miro board for it (so I stop forgetting stuff...)

I'm not in a very good place of mind right now which prevents me from working as efficiently as usual, but I'm working on it. Slowly but steadily. Thank you so much for checking </3

I couldn't draw much lately but here! Take these unfinished pics of a fic concept I was trying to explain lol

(CLONE THEORY 2nd Edition)

Holy shit i finished reading your tf2 fic yesterday and im so invested its literally all i can think about. your writing is AMAZING and so inspirational, and really thank you for diving into the horror of tf2 clone concept. ive always loved that concept, and thought it was such an underutilized idea. i mean, can you imagine how terrifying it is discovering you have a clone of yourself, without your knowledge?? or how even worse it is for the clone themself? its just so AAGGH its hard to describe in words,, but you did it perfectly

fic in question

Anomi

What if scouts self esteem issues weren't caused by not having a dad but because his mother was neglectful af and he had to reaally work to get her attention until he "deserves" it but most of the time he felt like an empty space because ma is always busy with whatever she was doing outside of home having 8 children from different dads but anyways. Brothers fostered him and their mom was more like a visiting boss.

Scout must be very scared of not being noticed or being seen as unworthy of being with him because of that. Hence the overcompensation. Ma failed to admit his existence on a level that satisfies.

Uh uhhhh well like i said gonna have to go back and take notes, but

1) my, then, sleep deprived brain got blasted with the thought "Demoman and his 3 2 weed smoking girlfriends hippies" ffhgjgjv

2) jokes aside, I'm SUCH a sucker for hare themed characters who try to act like they're a fight predator, and not what they truly are, a flight prey

Scout being jackrabbit coded. Speedy, full of anger, underestimated, has weapons (bat/teeth, gun/claws etc) and isn't afraid to use it. But deep down, being led by fear

The fact that blu is that predator-esque mask dropping, and the crushing realisation of being a prey animal, of being in so much danger everywhere from everything, that he can't trust anyone, of letting the need to run away take over

And the fact that Sniper is often associated with Dingos and Owls, both natural predators to rabbits. Hell, even the fact that he mentioned hunting rabbits a child

And yet, Scout came to him, the rabbit going to the predator. To the opposite side

And the fact that said predator is also dealing with the realisation that, really, he's just a livestock prey too when looking at the bigger picture. And deep down, he's not much braver about it than a rabbit

They're all lambs to the never ending slaughter. Who cares about prey or predator, about jobs and teams, about natural roles, when there's a nature defying society and science controlling everything above it all?

It's all so dehumanising in so many different ways. In the livestock vs butchery, in the wild animals vs human hunters, in the meaning of jobs vs companies and money. In that humans in powers, control and think they own everything, including your own personhood. In the loss of agency, of loosing who you are to a job

But truly, were you ever anyone at all?

If the fighting stopped, what would they do? Deal with the reality that there's nothing left from before ? Have to face the fact they're no one outside of what the admin wants from them? Or run back to the familiar cage they've been in for so long, and know by heart?

What is true freedom?

Are they really ready to have to build that possible new home all by themselves out there ? Including building a new self while accepting parts they hate? Dealing with the fact they're just copies, and some parts of them might thus not be the "true" them? Yet those things still being a part of themselves ? Learning to accept what they see in the mirror?

And if they are, are they ready with the possibility that they might never get the chance to do any of that at all?

MMMMMMKFHDHWBKFKVXJ!!!!!

Shit's fucked

And what is going on in BLU Snipes' mind....he's really an enigma to me

Heh, in a way, he's closer to the "blueprint" Sniper with how closed off he is about how he feels. Just like how RED Scout is closer to the "original"

And yet he still figured it out...like you don't actually need to deviate much from the blueprint to become a "deviant", which is getting me more curious about BLU Soldier too

And how the RED Spy is gonna handle that too...

there was already a significant amount of mutual assistance between the two teams, whether on purpose or not. Like BLU Spy letting RED get away with his fire distraction (though I'm guessing it was more to hide what ye and engie figured out. But i can't help but think that a small part of him still did it for RED, maybe because of the suspicions that truly, both colours aren't necessarily enemies, and they're closer to having a common one)

Same with RED Spy pulling BLU Pyro away from Scout and Snipes because he knew it would put them (and everyone else) in danger if that info got out

And RED Demo trying to mend his relationship with BLU Soldier

The line between enemy and ally is already slightly blurring, which is gonna affect everyone

Progress is being made, yet that progress worsens the risk of everyone getting removed for it. Sisyphus curse

And yet, it's the predator who freezes up in fear like a prey, wanting to curl on himself with his tail between his legs, hide his face under his paws and pretend the chain around his neck isn't here. while the rabbit is angry and wants to take actions, gnawing at the cage and fighting for freedom....

I love you.

Just a bunch of biblical paintings more and I'll finally start drawing yaoi