You Should Be Starting A Recipe Book. I Don't Give A Shit If You're Only 20-years-old. The Modern Web

people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?

Phic Phight - Surprise Professor Professes Only Violence

For: Chrysanthemum9484

It doesn’t matter who Mr. Lancer picked to teach a class on ghosts, all the options lead to suffering. Danny just happens to be the option less damaging to everything and everyone around, much to his annoyance.

Danny’s a little concerned when Mr. Lancer all but corners him outside of social- what a dumbass class. Danny eyeing the man cautiously, “I swear I didn’t break anything today”.

Mr. Lancer shakes his head, huffing a little out of breath, before fixing his tie, “you’re not in trouble, not this time. However, seeing as you have a spare next I would like you to follow me”.

Oh zone what now? Did his parents drop something questionable off? Or was the guy trying to tutor him again? Were Sam and Tuck fighting again? Or did someone or something blow up his locker for the fifth time this month…

Danny sighs and follows, “what is it”; it’s not even a question, he’s resigned, defeated. His spare has so totally been lost. Ugh.

Mr. Lancer wastes no time in walking off, grabbing Danny’s arm because, as per usual, he doesn’t trust Danny to not just disappear on him. Reasonable honestly. “As you know, this town and school have had to make a few adjustments to deal with the ghost issues. One such adjustment is going to be a ghosts one oh one course-”. Holy shit finally, Danny was wondering when the school was gonna man up and do that. Knowing about ghosts in this haunted ass town was kinda super necessary. And he guesses that Mr. Lancer just wants Danny’s advice? Since Danny was a teen and not insane. “-it’s happening during fourth period-”. That’s this period isn’t it? Why does Danny have a bad feeling about this? “-and seeing as you are not insane or a government funded bigot, everyone agrees you should teach it”. Mr. Lancer coming to stop in front of a closed classroom door, looking at Danny now, “now knowing you, you’d skip town for a week to try and get out of this, and you respect me enough to not simply kick me in the knees and run. Just try alright? It’ll count towards your gpa if that gives you any incentive”, then turns back to the door, opens it, and basically shoves Danny inside. “I know you’ll do great!”. And… and the man has the fucking audacity to just up and leave!

What. The. Actual. Fresh. Fruity. Fuck.

Danny stands there in a wide stance, arms slightly away from his sides, and slowly looks at the goddamn class full of people. Fuck him so much. Fuck Lancer. What the zone man! Danny blinks harshly at everyone, “I’m gonna kill that man”.

Dale snorting at him, “ironic that the first thing you say in a ghost class involves murder”.

Emilie fiddling with her hair, “yeah and why’d he stick you here anyways? It’s not like you’d need to learn this”.

Todd snorting, “probably taking pity on him and giving him a free easy grade”.

Danny drops his arms and glares at Todd, “actually, he just shoved me in here to teach this damn thing”, sighing and rubbing a hand down his face, “hence why I now wanna kill him”.

Someone snorts, “sure. Right. He tOtAlLy DiD tHaT”.

But after a couple of seconds someone else shouts, “holy shit he actually did! The thing online just updated with him as the teachers name!”.

Everyone else just starts screaming and shouting and otherwise freaking out while Danny groans very deeply and moves to walk over to ‘his’ desk. Fuck his half life.

The worst thing was that he knows that he can’t just go crawling back to Mr. Lancer and claim he needs time to prepare. Since he knows that Lancer knows that that shit would be a goddamn lie. His parents have literally made him basically memorize presentations to give at ghost conventions. Danny absolutely can do this. He just really really doesn’t want to.

But…

Ugh. He needs to get that gpa of his up and Mr. Lancer’s a manipulative dick to bring that into this.

Danny wants to just lay on the desk and cry. He is absolutely beating Boxy through a tool shed whenever that guy shows up next. As it stands, he’s just going to slump down into the chair, put his elbows on the desk, and put his head in his hands. Grumbling through said hands loud enough that he knows he’s being heard, “look, okay, if any of you fuck up and fail this shit, thus hurting my grades or whatever, I will personally find and pay a ghost to haunt you”, sighing, “I do actually know how to give seminars, or whatever, on ghosts. And I know none of you fuckers go to goddamn ghost hunter conventions, since none of you have parents that force you to attend them, fuck every last one of you, so I can technically actually teach ya’ll shit; so sit down or stay seated or whatever, and shut up”.

“WOW, someone’s pissy”.

“I will kill you too, Todd”.

“Oh yeah? With what? Your noodle arms?”.

Danny lifts his head out of his hands, stares at the asshole, then starts digging through the desk. He’s not sure why but there’s a sledge hammer in the bottom drawer, it goes on the desk very loudly.

One of the freshman nerds blinks, “why was there a hammer in there?”.

Danny shrugs loosely, “I don’t know, I don’t care, but that can definitely breaks someone’s fingers so, you know. Threat stands”, clearing his throat, “okay so because the preparation time that I was given was precisely jack fuck all, I’m gonna run this shit like a convention panel. Just without any slides, yes I’ve had to make slides shut up or kill you, without all my funny jokes on them”.

Lindsey actually sags dramatically in relief, “oh thank Zone. Mr. Lancer managed to spare us”.

Danny standing up, grabbing the sledgehammer, and swinging it back and forth up in the air a bit, “hammer time threat stands”, puts the thing back down loudly, handle sticking up in the air, and moves to the fucking white board, “ya’ll get my jokes written all over this board now”.

Multiple people shout, “Lindsey!”, at the girl. Danny doesn’t care, Danny thinks his jokes are great. Promptly writing, ‘why did the ghost decide to start teaching? Because he’d heard it was going to be dead fun’; to a class of his groaning peers.

Turning back to everyone, “so since I should attempt to actually graduate, I’m gonna actually start this shit off but with something that’s gonna make all ya’ll suffer, ghost baby making! featuring The Box Ghost and The LunchLady”.

Everyone looks suitably disgusted with him. Multiple people shouting, “oh zone why!?!” and “you’re evil!”.

Does how ghosts have babies have anything to do with dealing with and surviving ghosts in this town? No, obviously not. Does he care? Abso-fucking-lutely not.

Mr. Lancer sticks his head in the room, eyeing the sledgehammer, “why is there a sledgehammer?”.

Danny snarking right back, “why was it in the drawer?”.

Mr. Lancer nodding a little, seceding that, “the janitor must have left it. How are you fairing?”.

Danny just glares at the man violently while Dale sticks up his hand, “Mr. Lancer, he keeps threatening to kill us”.

“Mr. Fenton!”.

“Bitch, you knew what you were doing”.

End.

Prompt: "The teachers of Casper High decide that assigning a student to teach a subject is the lesser evil considering that the other options are a pair of insane scientists and a bunch of government cuckoos. Or in other words, Danny ends up teaching Ghosts 101."

Gotham TikTok

AKA "Danny moves to Gotham and records TikToks with absolutely deranged captions. He films Get Ready with Me in Gotham videos, fit checks, and even A Day in the Life of a Ghost in Gotham! Except everybody is freaking the fuck out in the comments" prompt idea!

No, you don't understand, I'm obsessed. Like, what if Danny's idea of "safe" is just... anything that doesn't actively try to kill him? So Metropolitians, Star City, and Central City citizens are literally biting their nails and sweating bullets every time he posts, because what if he gets merc'd by the "Eight Heads in a Duffel Bag" Red Hood?? And that's one of the nicer villains in Gotham. And Danny's just like wow, this place is niiiiiice, I haven't even been murdered yet!

Maybe Jazz took a 12-year-old Danny to Gotham to escape their parents. Gotham's cheap, dirty, and doesn't ask questions: it's the best place to go to disappear because damn near half the city's population are either super villains, hostages, dead, or vigilantes. She gets a job at an understaffed hospital as a clinical psych intern. She enrolls Danny for online schooling because she's scared a public high school would be too easy for their parents to track.

Which leaves Danny alone for hours. He makes a TikTok account called "Danny Phantom" because, c'mon, he's a kid. And, like most kids, he doesn't really comprehend the idea of a digital footprint or that his account is public, accessible by literally anybody.

He's also a little shit. So, the first TikTok he uploads is of a man getting carjacked, but the caption reads: love to see people helping each other. remember it's always okay to ask for help! it's okay, I don't know how to parallel park, either :)

And you just see this guy in a mask shove a businessman away from his car, gesturing with his gun, before getting into the driver's seat. Except the car is parallel parked so the carjacker just slowly inches back and forth between a Prius and a Honda until he can wedge himself out of the parking space. And then gets stuck in stand-still traffic. The TikTok goes viral. It's talked about on the Gotham news and Gothamites are losing their shit, pointing out the exact moment you can see the carjacker start to soundlessly cuss through the car's windshield or the way the businessman is just... standing on the side of the road, watching with a deadpan look.

Danny doesn't know about it being on the news, but he sees all the comments, likes, reposts, and feels something. He wonders if this is what Ember feels every time people listened to her music. So, he keeps posting. Usually, it's short three-second videos of a hilariously unexpected situation with an even more deranged caption. But then he's accidentally caught in the reflection of a store front while recording and doesn't know, posts it like he always does; only for this TikTok to go viral, too. Because "Danny Phantom" is a child??

He doesn't notice the shift in his comments, but the public opinion quickly changes from wow, Gothamites are just like that huh lol to what the FUCK, kid, get inside!!! anytime he posts.

Except Danny never gets hurt. Even in the most dangerous situations, when you'd think this kid is a goner for sure, he's just happily yapping in the background. He's so different from Gothamites because he lacks that dead-eyed, despair-inducing aura of someone who's lived in a hellmouth their whole lives. (A couple people post that Danny kind of reminds them of Golden Boy Brucie Wayne, all air-headed and unrealistically optimistic, and suddenly there's memes of "what happens when you've never gotten shot in Gotham" or "how i act when Commish Gordie accuses me of shoplifting again" with them side-by-side.)

And then Danny's posts go viral again and again. Danny doing a fit check with a blond-haired woman with a checkered outfit, she ruffles his hair and kisses him on the cheek. A picture of him wearing an old jean jacket with a bright red lipstick smear on his cheek is trending for weeks. Spoiler, fully suited up in an all-purple vigilante attire, and him shoving gas station hotdogs in their mouths. He even has videos of him clearly in Killer Croc's lair, with comments of are you in the sewers??? DANNY??? and he responds, no, i'm in mom & dad's basement :) (Waylon Jones is actually sitting behind him in one of the videos, intently watching a TV show on an iPad.)

Everybody adores Danny - Rogues, Gothamites, even the Bats. (There's at least six videos of Nightwing teaching Danny how to do backflips, handstands, and other acrobatic moves. Even the youngest Robin has been caught on camera quietly talking with Danny, a shocking lack of violence that left half the city's population suffering from cuteness aggression for the kids.)

So, yeah, Danny belongs to Gotham.

But the internet is widely accessible and Danny made it so, so easy to find him. Jazz obviously didn't know he was posting videos of himself publicly; she was too tired after back-to-back 12 hour shifts at the hospital that she hadn't even checked social media in months. Otherwise, she would've told him to be careful, to never show his face or post his real name on the internet. Then again, Jazz would never have expected all of Gotham (and Superman himself, totally endeared by the kid after Kon and Jon showed him a couple TikToks) would beat the absolute shit out of anybody going after Danny.

Imagine GIW's surprise when they track down Amity's former residential Ghost only to find an entire city frothing at the mouth to protect their Phantom.

You were supposed to be normal

DPxDC

Danny was adopted by the Wayne’s and they all thought he was a civilian in a bad home situation who got along with the family nicely. Danny knew full well that they were the Batclan of Gotham but he is enjoying being a regular teenager to much to care. The Bats thought they were going a perfect job with keeping their new family members in the dark about their nightly activities. They weren’t expecting to see Danny get flung through a wall at the beginning of dinner by a robot with a flaming green mohawk. They also weren’t expecting Danny to get up like nothing happened and launch himself at the attacker. And least of all they weren’t expecting Danny to win the fight.

Danny the tiktok star

DPxDC au

So Danny, as any high school teen would do, makes videos on the latest video sharing social media site. In this case that's tiktok, although if we look at the time that Danny Phantom came out Vine might be more appropriate...

Either way, he makes silly little videos that range from funny jokes, A Day in the Life at Casper High, Space Fact Friday, POV: You live in Amity Park, roasting whatever ghost happens to be attacking that day, ect. He gains a small following of people who like his content but it's nowhere near being able at call himself tiktok famous. Until one post...

"Hello, my name is Danny, and this is my Official Application for Bruce Wayne to adopt me"

He jokes about how he is a young teen male with black hair, blue eyes, and a questionable home life which makes him the perfect candidate for a Bruce Wayne adoptee. The video goes viral so Danny leans into the bit and starts making more of that content. Photoshoping myself into a Wayne family photo, What I would wear to a Wayne gala, Taking a 'Which Wayne Are You' quiz.

When the Wayne kids find his account they think it's hilarious and keep an eye for new posts from him. One day Tim is stuck in a boring WE meeting so when he gets a notification that Danny posted a new video he will gladly take the distraction. He wasn't expect what he would find...

The video opens with the camera facing Danny, but he's not in any of his usual filming locations. It's hard to tell what exactly is happening around him but there's shouting in the distance and the sound of sirens. In fact, it looks as if Danny is leaning against an ambulance. Danny looks unusually pale and has what looks like a shock blanket wrapped around his shoulders. The camera is shakey and when he speaks his voice comes out weak.

"Hey guys... It's Danny. You know how I joke a lot about being adopted by Bruce Wayne?..."

Danny pauses and takes a shakey breath. It seems like he loses his grip on the phone for a moment because the camera fumbles before being held upright again. It's not a great view, but viewers can catch a glimpse of a destroyed building in the background, firefighters still working to get all the flames doused. When Danny starts speaking again he seems to choke on the words.

"W-Well, something happened and.. I'm k-kinda and orphan now? So uh..." Danny gives a small sad sounding chuckle that fades into a light cough, "this is my official application for Bruce Wayne to adopt me. Internet, do your thing..."

The video ends.

Just a few more days left of my Koi Lantern Kickstarter! Kickstarter.com/projects/yuumei/paper-koi-lantern-a-diy-kit

I can’t thank you all enough for helping me bring these koi to life❤️

When I was a child, every well-meaning adult with a nine-to-five soul and a dried-up imagination told me that being a writer wasn’t a “real job.”

“You’re just a little girl with big words,” they said. “Books don’t pay the bills.”

As if paying bills was the most thrilling thing a person could live for.

I never understood why grown-ups were so committed to shoving a fire extinguisher down the throat of a kid who just wanted to tell stories.

I kept wondering, why is it so threatening for a little girl to believe her words could matter?

Now I know why.

Because they never had a dream of their own.

And when you’ve never had one or gave yours up a long time ago, it’s easier to mock someone else’s.

It’s easier to roll your eyes at someone chasing stars when you’ve chosen to stay face-down in the dirt.

And still… I write. Not because I was told I couldn’t. But because I had to.

Because I promised that little girl I’d keep going, even when it hurt. Especially when it hurt.

Two names that start with an ”A”

For Cosmic - who introduced me to the theory that inspired this short thing

Disclaimer: this work is not a mirror of my Personal feelings towards Riddle Rosehearts, it Is merely a mirror of, what I think, is early game Ace way of thinking in this au.

____________________________

Ace Trappola never liked to be constricted in his right to freedom. It started when he was mere days old, trying to wiggle out of his crib with wooden bars to ensure he wouldn't fall out and continued like this through his whole life. Primary school, middle school, home life, in all possible areas. So it came as no surprise, at least to his mother and brother when his magic manifested as wind. The element of freedom that blew freely throughout the World changing its course and finding no obstacles in whatever direction it wanted to go.

It would also come to no surprise, with that information, that Ace did not take the housewarden's Riddle collar all too well.

His freedom, his magic was constricted. It was confined to the very centre of his body, and couldn't even flow right beneath his skin.

Ace felt terrible.

Ace felt fury.

**

There once was a girl, a little girl who fell below, down the rabbit hole.

The little girl's name was Alice and she had a wonderful imagination.

Her imagination led her through wonderland, though everything that tried to take her freedom away from her.

Through everything that made Her blood boil.

**

Ace was becoming more angry by the minute. His hosewarden was a little tyrant that imposed crazy rules onto everyone. He ruled with fear and iron collars that took what every mage had and couldn't live without in the long run.

Riddle Rosehearts was everything Ace despised.

**

Alice met the Queen of Hearts and at first she tried to understand. Queen of hearts explained that Wonderland drove everyone mad, and that her rules were necessary to keep everyone from going insane. But in Alice's eyes, the Queen had everything she wanted, she was the ruler, had her kingdom, and her servants. There was nothing that stopped her from her freedom.

Yet she ruled with an iron fist and took what everyone needed to live.

She took not only their freedom but their heads. She kept taking the one thing that made it impossible to choose freedom, their Life.

The Queen was everything Alice hated.

Alice wondered if it was Wonderland who drove everyone insane or its ruler.

**

Riddle Rosehearts imposed crazy rules, he claimed it was for the need for discipline. He claimed it was necessary to grow and become the best mages they could become. Ace soon realised that Riddle lacked the one thing he kept taking from everyone.

Riddle Rosehearts lacked freedom.

Ace pitied him for it for a grand Total of five seconds.

Just then Little tyrant threw away their hard made tart.

And just like that Ace felt no remorse.

**

Alice saw what the queen was doing to her subject, she knew what madness she brought to her own queendom. She was beyond reason and so there was only one way to deal with her, direct confrontation.

Alice found herself in Court.

**

Ace may have been a bit harsh towards Hertsybull's house warden. He learned some new facts after the disastrous tea party from Trey, who turned out to be a childhood friend with the teapot tyrant. That didn't really change anything, in fact thanks to Headmage, Ace realised there was only one way to deal with him, direct confrontation.

Ace was going to challenge Riddle in a duel.

**

Alice failed to see one, quite obvious, point. Queen of hearts was a tyrant, yes but she was still The ruler of Wonderland.

And the Queen's word was absolute. So when she ordered card soldiers to grab her it didn't matter that they were in court. It didn't matter that they were having a discussion, it didn't even matter that she was supposed to have rights as a side in that proceeding. Nothing mattered as long as the Queen said so.

And so, when Alice was restrained and brought onto a platform with an officer meant to enact her final verdict, she knew no one would help her this time.

She glared defiantly at The Queen to the last second, until her head was forced onto the chopping block.

,,Off with Her Head!” yelled the ruler.

And in her last moments Alice woved, if there was a chance, if she could get a second one, she would never again fall to the tyranny of another.

**

Ace stared at his housewarden as they prepared for the duel.

Riddle Rosehearts was a sad, caged boy who craved freedom all the same he did, the difference between the two of them was, that Ace was never afraid to grab his, while Riddle choose to stay in a cage.

It was easier for read haired boy, it was his way of life, it was disgusting to Ace.

How could this boy, not much older than him bear being locked in a prison that had a lock and key on his own side. How could he delude himself into thinking that those restrictions were love?

“And how dare he take what he himself could have all this time?” hissed something deep within Ace.

Riddle could have everything, power, his rules, friends and freedom.

If only he wasn't a coward.

If only he wasn't like Her.

Ace looked at the boy as the headmage announced that he was to remove The collars.

Ace looked at him and saw a different figure, from a different time.

Ace looked and saw the Queen of Hearts.

He would never bow to the queen.

Not again and not ever.

Deep withing him something stirred, more pronounced this time.

Collar came off and it wasn't only wind magic that got released.

Ace smirk found itself on his face and as Riddle raised his arm to cast a spell, just as mirror shattered starting the duel.

Both of them raised their hand too.

,,Down with The Queen”

His unique magic, their unique magic swelled. Spell capable of dispelling other spells, spell created for a sheet want of freedom. Spell that allowed him to destroy everything that could confide him. Everything that could constrict his freedom, everything that included heart shaped collars.

A second of shock whas all they needed to send The burst of wind magic towards their opponent.

Ace and Alice grinned as one.

,Down with The Queen indeed’

Dead Language Expert

Danny never thought that he could "major" in languages, and get a job as a translator. But apparently knowing all the dead languages ​​by default and being able to time travel with the help of your ghost tutor was pretty useful outside of Amity.

It happened purely by chance, he was walking through a museum and started laughing because of a mistake in one of the sentences that completely changed the meaning of the text. The museum manager, of course, did not believe him, since many people had said that the piece was "impossible to translate". But he study it anyway.

Days later they were looking for him to translate all the things from that time. And he just carried on with it, in many more civilizations. In some cases he even asked for a few trips to the past to Clockwork to verify.

It got to a point where the wizards, heroes and villains over the world knew him as "the translator of dead languages" and some of them even tried to kidnap him to perform a summoning ritual. Danny rolled his eyes and easily freed himself, but the League assigned him an "escort" anyway.

Exasperated, the halfa escaped from his escorts and continued his work as normal. Superman almost fell out of his chair at the Watchtower meeting when he was informed that the boy had translated the language of Krypton and other missing planets. Besides having managed to lose both the Flash and Green Latern, what the fuck?

New hobby: stitching together DP screenshots to create panoramas