‘last’ Sakusa Kiyoomi.

‘last’ sakusa kiyoomi.

a/n: so this was a request for and i quote ‘angst that will cause extreme pain.” i hope this lives up to it.

warnings: angst, death & mentione of it, self-blaming, relationship issues.

“you just don’t stop don’t you? is it that hard to be less irritating?” sakusa huffed. the two of you had been engaging in an argument over the pettiest matter once again, and at this point you weren’t even near surprised. it had kicked off with you asking your boyfriend if he had eaten out of concern and then him proceeding to label you as ‘clingy’.

recently things were just different, he wasn’t treating you the same anymore and he barely made time for you. most people would say this was a common occurrence once any relationship had come out of the honeymoon phase, the only problem was you and sakusa were long out of that fairytale whirlwind. but through it all, he still showed immense love towards you, considering you had been together for years you were honestly expecting a proposal soon. but that all changed recently, and to make matters worse you couldn’t for the life of you pinpoint why.

maybe, just maybe.. was there someone else?

“i just care about you that’s it, why are you so adamant on turning things into an argument?” you sighed recalling at the way he snapped at you. his reaction would have shocked anyone but at this point in time, as much as you hated to admit it, you were almost getting used to it now.

but that didn’t mean it hurt any less, no, definitely not. it was just as painful each and everytime you saw the blank expression on his face, the way he went out of his way to avoid you and the growing irritation on his features everytime he was made to face you.

“because you’re annoying.” he blurted out seemingly without thinking, in all truth sakusa definitely did not think you were annoying, actually, he quite loved when you made an effort with him. but lately, he just doesn’t know what’s gotten into him. he loved you with all his heart and he wants to propose to you more than anything but the concept scares him, the fact that the two of you being married would mean you’re practically stuck with him. and he doesn’t want that for you, you deserve better. you deserve someone who is comfortable parading you around to the world, someone who is okay with going out on dates in crowded places, someone who will give you affection whenever you need it, someone who is good with words.

sakusa is not that person.

it would break his heart to see that one day you were regretting your decision of saying yes to him because he couldn’t provide what you needed. so his last resort? push you away. not far enough so that the two of you are no longer together because he couldn’t bare the thought of no longer being able to call you his, but far enough for him to have time to get his shit together, so he could come to you better and improved.

“so you don’t want me to talk to you is that it? God what has gotten into you? do you not want to be together anymore?” your voice faltered towards the end as you broke eye-contact with your boyfriend, tears were threatening to spill any moment and your heart was breaking in your chest. you were a bad person, you were a bad person because you were practically forcing him to stay with you even though it was so clear that he didn’t love you anymore.

well, that’s what you thought.

he stayed quiet at your question.. no, he doesn’t want to break up, that would be catastrophic for the both of you and besides he couldn’t ever love anyone the way he loved you. but if he responded saying he wanted to stay together that would prompt you to spark a conversation about why he was acting the way he was, and if there was one thing sakusa hated it was vulnerability.

“i just need some time to think.” that was a good response, he thought. he wasn’t ending things but you wouldn’t push further after that and he knew that, it was .. perfect.

“i’ll give you some time then.” tears were already staining your new top, you were excited to show it to sakusa because it was one of your favourite purchases you had ever made, but instead you had decided not to, you were weary of bothering him.

of course your tears didn’t go unnoticed by him, he watched as you put your shoes on and grabbed your coat from the hanger. he made a mental note to beat the shit out of himself for making you cry the moment you had stepped foot out of the door, and that’s exactly what he did.

he turned to the counter slamming his hands against his head, he needed to get his shit together and he needed to now.

it had been years and you had never expressed any distaste in sakusa’s personality or his methods of affections, would you really start now? maybe this was all stupid, it wasn’t like he would be forcing you to marry him so if you ended up getting tired of him in the future there wasn’t much he could do about it.

if anything, he knew he would regret not getting to put a ring on your finger at all and never knowing what could have been.

so that’s it, that’s decided. he was going to marry you and he would get it together the second you walked back through the door, he would give you the most loving embrace he could possibly muster up, and he would spend the next few months apologising for his behaviour. he would sit and listen to you babble all about the new top you bought because he did notice how much you had adored it when you had brought it home a week ago. and tomorrow he would go out and buy you a few gifts, there was that necklace that you loved from the quaint jewellery store down the road. that’s where he would be heading to first. because sakusa kiyoomi would do anything for you.

meanwhile you were imagining every possibility that could occur the moment you stepped back in. he would break up with you, it was inevitable. he practically hated you, you were acting like such a burden, an irritating and annoying burden. but you wished more than anything that things could be different because you loved sakusa with your entire being, there was no way you would move on once he discarded you. you had imagined your entire future with him and no one else, there was no way that you could change things now.

you sighed pulling out a polaroid of you and sakusa, the cold air that hit your hands just made you feel that much more alone. but you ignored it as you ran your hands over the picture, it was the two of you during the first christmas you had spent together. he had spoiled you so much that day with gifts that you had cried numerous times and begged him to return atleast half of it because it was way too expensive and you felt bad. you were cheery eyed with a wide smile and a small tear adorned your cheek, one of joy as sakusa hung off your arm. his smile was small but it was there, he was just happy that you were happy, he had loved you so much and you couldn’t help but wonder where it had all gone wrong.

why didn’t he love you anymore?

sakusa bumped his leg up and down on the livingroom couch, he couldn’t stop glancing at the clock. it had been three hours which was far too long for you to be gone without a word, to make things even worse you had left your phone in your shared bedroom meaning he had no direct method of contacting you.

a buzz resounded in the room and your boyfriend had never moved so fast so pick up the phone in his life, admittedly he was getting severely worried. he didn’t want you walking out of his life, but thankfully by tomorrow he would wake up next to your beautiful smile and everything would go back to normal.

“hello? is this uhh — sakusa kiyoomi?” there was a feminine voice on the other side of the line who sounded cautious about the pronouncation of his name, additionally, her voice sounded unsteady, it was almost as if she was scared.

“yes.” he responded bluntly wondering who this wench thought she was to be wasting his time, she had even called on no caller id. he had half the mind to hang up on her now, if anything you could be calling him this very moment and it was sending you to voicemail because he was occupied with this girl.

“sorry to impose but you are listed as l/n y/n’s emergency contact, are you aware of this?” his back pricked up at the mention of your name, emergency contact? now he was beyond worried.

“yes i am.”

“i’m sorry to say but— l/n was hit by a vehicle moving at almost fifty miles per hour and — she didn’t make it.” in that moment sakusa had never felt more dread in his life, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. was she saying that you were.. dead? but you couldn’t be dead, no you couldn’t be because he never even got to apologise to you, and you never got to accept his apology. he never got to buy you that necklace, things never got to go back to normal, he wouldn’t be able to live out the rest of his days with you.

he never got to propose. so no, you couldn’t be dead.

then why was he crying? this is the first time sakusa remembers crying as an adult, if it wasn’t true why was it feeling like his soul was being sucked out of him? why did it feel like even though he was a well renowned volleyball player loved by millions he meant nothing anymore? why did it feel like life had no meaning?

he didn’t even realise the phone call was still going on until he heard the woman clear her throat on the other line. “she wanted to tell you.. she’s sorry and she loves— loved you.” she corrected her mistake almost immediately but this didn’t do anything but make him feel worse.

“the hospital will contact you with more details soon, sorry for your loss.” and with that, the line went dead.

sorry? she was saying sorry too? and you.. why were you apologising? in your last moments did you really spend that time asking the paramedics to tell him that you were sorry? you hadn’t done anything wrong, you had never done anything wrong, it was all him, he was the problem, he was a fool.

he threw his phone against the wall and watched as it clattered against the floor with tear-filled eyes. this was his fault, if it wasn’t for him you would never have gone out, maybe if it was just one second later, maybe if hadn’t acted this way, maybe if he had stopped you from leaving, maybe—

so that was it.. even if he thought he was doing everything he could to protect you he had hurt you anyway, in the worst way possible. and how could he forgive himself? he never would.. he never could. because that day he lost everything, because you were his everything, the most precious thing to enter his life, his pride and joy, his entire life.

you were too distracted by the picture of the two of you together, now it laid discarded on the side of the road with a streak of blood staining the bottom half. thankfully the picture was still recognisable, because you made sure it was in your last moments, kiyoomi would be mad if you got it dirty.

regret was an understatement.