Some Commissioned Articles

Fear, Part II

Is there a reason

You feel so alone

With all these people

Surrounding you?

The sun is shining

And the birds are out

Summer air against your skin

But it’s still winter inside.

You’re locked in a cage

Made up of your mind

The monsters are out

And they won’t rest.

Put on a smile

Don’t let them see

How many cracks

You have burning inside.

You can take another day

And your lungs will keep on moving

So focus on happy thoughts

And you’ll be fine.

But now the winter air is biting deep

And it’s getting hard to breathe

Through all this falling snow

And the beasts hunting you.

You’re pounding against the bars

In this cage you’ve made in your brain

But the howling wind and the blanket of snow

Are melding together and leaving you treading

This deepening water

An ocean of silence

That swallows your screams.

Take a deep breath

And paste the smile back on.

Focus on the happy thoughts

And take another pill.

If nobody wants to hear your words

That’s alright, you’ll be fine

Keep your mouth shut, you know,

Conform and don’t be crazy-

Others have it worse anyways.

You don’t remember when

Those pills began to stop

And now your heartbeat is racing

From the killers in your head.

It’s all so much

And now you must be insane

Because nobody else says a word

About suffering like this.

Your mask is far too much

A weight you can’t remove

You’re a bird with clipped wings

A flower with no stem.

You’re chained up in your own mind

Gagged by your own fear

Pills by the handful

Just to feel alive.

Time is fading to a fuzzy haze

The only constant this endless nightmare.

You just want to smile again

You just want to feel whole again!

Cause and effect but this is effect without a reason

What’s the cause, what’s the root

Of this sickened tree?

They ask if you’re afraid of death

Chastise you for these reckless thoughts

And tell you to just grow up.

So how do you tell them

That you’re not afraid of death anymore?

The hell in your head

Is so much worse

Than any hell a religion could offer.

You’re not afraid of the reaper

Or any judgmental god

You’re afraid

Of this life.

Silence is a blade

Cutting your skin

But words make the cuts

Sink all the deeper still.

Anything to end this pain

Anything to cut the chains

Holding you hostage to the demons inside

If heaven is real that’s not where you’ll go

Because this pit can’t be climbed out of

The walls are too sharp

And trying only broke your will.

Every moment of this hell

Is too much, it’s a crushing weight

Anything at all

To end this pain.

Life isn’t fair

And god, don’t you know it

You’re so tired

And the waters are deep

So maybe it’s time

To set you free.

Systematic

Tell me that

You’ve never seen a system with a crack

That however improbable

And however small

Someone fell down

And wasn’t welcomed back up.

Because only so many times

Can the nail be hammered

Before the wood begins to warp

And only so long

Can the earthquake go on

Before the ground begins to fail.

System failure, system failure

Throw the dying ones a rope

But cut off their hands before you do

Or this systematic failure could be fixed.

Tell me how you’ve never seen

Someone fall and fall and fall

Down a hole so deep

It swallowed them up

Never to be noticed again.

Letters on a paper

Ruining lives

Laws for people

Who have never been seen.

System failure, system failure

The hammer keeps on hitting

So cut off their hands

And keep shaking their world

So the systematic failure can thrive.

also a poem from the new, unreleased collection. very possibly my own all-time favourite.

ooooo, fun game to play? Am I Faking Having Headmates And It's All A Hallucination?? Extra hard mode activated: have had extra hallucinations and intrusive thoughts lately, so there's no way to tell!!

heres the thing, also. Even if things don’t get better, I’ve still got anywhere from 0-70 more years left on this earth. I would rather still fight to make those years liveable, comfortable, thriveable even. That alone is worth it. It isn’t all or nothing. It never has been.

When you're bad at makeup so you look for a tutorial, but nothing can encapsulate the vibe of an androgynous messy vampire poet with dark circles and pale skin, staying up at night to romanticise life under a candlelight in only a long white silk dress shirt... So you have to wing it 😔

Listen idk how I feel about this one so we might be redoing this but here is my attempt at the Night Lord's icon :D

my desire has become a bloodsport.

a game of such violence

and such devotion,

i'm not sure which one

makes me more sick to look at.

is the hunt the worst part,

or is it the satisfaction

that comes from the

the thrill of the chase?

the relief that comes from

sinking your teeth

into something bloody

at the end of the finish line?

i don't even know how to

identify the things that i want

unless they're covered in blood

and begging to be left alone.

-mars

I'd Rather

I’d rather be a lot of things

Than myself

On nights like these.

I wish I were someone new

Someone I’ve never seen

Someone who can tell me I’m alright and

There’s nothing wrong

With me.

I’d rather be a mindless beast

Than see humanity again

And I’d rather not wake up

Than face myself again.

I’m scared of myself

And the person I’ll be

And I’d rather be a lot of things

Than myself

On lonely nights like this.

I wish I could just say

How very tired I am

But I’m wrong and I know it

I’m ruined and I know it

Please let me speak

But you won’t

And I know it.

I’d rather do a lot of things

Than try again for you

I’m so tired

I’d rather cry

Than tell you how this feels

I’d rather be ashamed

Than fail again

I’d rather, I’d rather

But that doesn’t change

I’m still myself

On nights like these.

fighting god's hardest fight right now- do not write whump do not write whump don'tdoityoucanresist

woah guys AO3 is open who did- who did that am I right

why is there a new fic opened!! Who did that!!