Underworld Dreams

i feel the need to clarify that this isn’t fiction writing, that these are about real dreams and real events that happened to me, and i was just thinking of them and thought - i should write these down

i don’t remember my dreams, generally, and i don’t tend to put much stock in the meanings of dreams, generally

but sometimes i have dreams that are stickysharp, that are very vivid, and that feel very real to me for the first few seconds after i wake up, and then i’m always filled with an embarrassing amount of relief that no matter what’s going on in my life currently, those problems aren’t my problems

my friends call them my underworld dreams

the first one i had was one i was very young, less than six years old, and i don’t remember much from my actual life from that age with clarity that i remember this dream. i was alone on the street, searching for someone, but everything was empty. i wasn’t scared. then i come across two dogs, fancy poodles, but they’re not right. they see me and immediately begin arguing. “what’s she doing here? she’s not supposed to be here.” “get rid of her” “she’s here now, she might as well stay” “she’s not supposed to be here!” and i try and interrupt, but then they’re looking at me, looming, so much bigger than me when they hadn’t been before, until they’re all teeth, and i’m running. all i hear is barking, and i’m not nor have i ever been afraid of dogs, but i run and my chest hurts but no matter where i look i’m alone. the dogs aren’t there, aren’t chasing me, but i don’t know where to go. i look around and i realize that everything’s in black and white. that the only things that hadn’t been a shade of grey had been the those two dogs. life isn’t shades of grey, i remember suddenly, and i bend over to pick up one of the grey bricks lining the sidewalk. i hold it in both hands and break it in half and liquid cement pools from the broken brick onto the ground. “oh,” i say, with relief, “it’s not real. this is a dream. i can leave now.”

then i wake up.

my mother dies a week before my tenth birthday and i have a dream that i do not forget. i am in the front yard, looking down at the highway from the large sloping hill of our home, leaning against a birch tree.

there’s a car slowly rolling down our long driveway. once, when i was younger, i was left to play in the front seat of the car as it was parked on top of the long driveway. it was an old car. i moved something i shouldn’t have and the car started rolling and i screamed and screamed, knowing something bad had happened but not how to stop it, and then my mother’s boyfriend, who i hated, ran and jumped into the rolling car and slammed on the breaks.

i am not in this car. it is getting faster, no one to slam on the breaks, and then my mother is standing next to me. “i’m in there,” she says. “you could save me.”

i understand that this isn’t real. that my mother is dead and so she can’t be standing next to me. everything else seems so real and normal, but my mother is here like she hasn’t been for weeks, and that means this is a dream. i look at the car rolling down the hill and remember her casket getting lowered into the ground and i say, “no. you’re already dead. you have to stay dead, that’s how this works.”

she’s disappointed, but not angry, she stands next to me, silent, as we watch the car roll into the highway, watch it crumple, watch it roll into a ditch. when i turn to look at her, she’s gone.

then i wake up.

i’m not relieved. i feel guilty for not saving her, even in a dream, even when she was already dead.

i do not dream of my mother again.

my grandmother raised me after my mother died. my grandmother dies when i’m twelve and i do not dream of her when it happens.

i will, years later, but not then.

i’m in high school and i have another dream. i am in something between victorian england and modern day. everything is gray. i live in a small apartment.

children keep appearing at my door. i let them in, i feed them, i cloth them. i go to food banks and schools, searching for who these children belong to, but no one claims them, so i keep them. it’s so hard to keep them, but i can’t leave them.

some of the children get sick. i do my best, but some of them die.

i put the bodies in the closet and lock the door. i tell the other, living children not to go near the closet.

i go searching. dead children don’t belong in closets. i go to the hospital, but they say they will not take random dead children. i go to the police and they laugh at me, saying no one will take them, that i’ll have to get rid of them on my own.

i am angry and desperate but there is a part of me that is not surprised.

i go home. i will have to keep the dead children in the closet. the living children ask questions, reach for the closet, and i stand in front of it, standing between my dead children in the closet and the living children in front of me, knowing that they can’t open it, that i have to keep it closed, because if i open it then my living children will walk into the closet with my dead children and they will not come out.

then i wake up.

i do not have any dead children in my closet. the relief is sharp, but not sweet.

i have a loft bed in college because the tiny room i’m sharing in this small apartment is not big enough for us to fit two bed side by side.

i dream that i wake up in this bed, in a place that’s not my own. there are children there, that i know but do not recognize. they cry out when they see me and yell for me to climb down. i do and they grasp my hands, pulling me outside.

my grandmother is there. other people that i do not recognize but that i know are there. the children are my cousins. these people are my family. we are outside and it is beautiful and bright. the grass is green and soft.

i sit and talk with my grandmother as the children play. the children run off somewhere else.

“i’m so glad you’re staying,” someone who i thinks might be an aunt says, patting my hand.

the first curl of unease is easy to mistake for confusion. “no, i can’t stay, i’m just visiting.”

“visiting?” she says, pitying. “there’s no visiting. the dead have to stay dead. you know that.”

i am cold. the grass is still soft. it’s still beautiful. i do not want to stay.

my grandmother is sad, not pitying, when she says, “it’s too late. they’re burning the bed.”

i am running. i do not stop to say goodbye.

the house is burning. the children are tugging at the long legs of my loft bed, trying to to pull it to the ground, and all around me are flames. i run through them, ignoring the cries of my cousins as i climb into the loft bed, laying down and burying my face into my pillow that smells of smoke and heat just as the legs crash and i’m tumbling to the ground.

then i wake up.

my pillow does not smell of smoke.

it’s finals week and i dream that i’m in a cave. there are bars on the entrance, even though it just leads to even more cave, and guards and a warm yellow light coming from somewhere.

i am with people i do not know. they are not concerned about leaving. i am. i get the gate open, the guards aren’t around. “come on,” i say to everyone. “let’s go. we have to go.”

“it’s just a waste of time,” one of them tells me. “we can’t leave. where would we go?”

i don’t understand.

someone else puts a water bottle and a several packets of saltine crackers into my hands. “you’ll need this,” he says, not unkindly. “don’t lose them. it’s important.”

i can’t force anyone to come with me. the guards will be back soon. they should be here now. leaving seems too easy, suddenly, but it’s not like i’m going to stay, so i go.

the caves are confusing. it takes a long time to find my way out, and i drink most of the water and eat the saltine crackers. when i step out of the labyrinth of caves it’s too bright, brighter than it’s ever been.

i walk for a long time. i come across a field that is a mix of golden corn and golden wheat growing side by side in a confusing, impractical mixture.

i see a man, dark skin and greying beard, in grey overalls and a grimy henley that maybe didn’t used to be grey but is now. he has a scythe in his hands, leaning back and swinging it through the mix of corn and wheat.

the wheat falls to the side and the scythe passes through the corn, leaving it unharmed.

“can you help me?” i ask. “i need to go home.”

the man startles, looking at me. “you shouldn’t be here.”

“i know,” i say, “can you help me? i can’t figure out how to get home.”

he stares at me for a long moment, then nods, digging a small hole in the ground with the toe of his boot. “here. you kept them, didn’t you?”

he doesn’t specify, but i know what he means. i take out the mostly empty water bottle and the torn plastic packets of the saltine crackers. i shouldn’t have eaten them. but it was the only way to get out the cave.

the man sighs, as if i’m tiresome, and takes them from my hands. he empties the saltine crumbs into the dirt, then pours the last of the water on top. he directs me to stand on top of the hole, and i do, and he kicks the dirt in around my feet. “they didn’t have to help you. you’re lucky they gave those to you.”

i am. i would not have gotten out of the cave without them. i would not be going home without them.

the man takes a step backwards, leans back, and swings the scythe through me.

then i wake up.

my bed is soft and warm. i wonder if i was the corn or the wheat.

my cousin has been two years younger then me our whole lives and she is two years younger than me when she dies. it is strange to think that for the rest of my life my cousin will not age and i will. i live on the other side of the country to her. the last time i was home, i had a bus to catch and she was busy talking to her boyfriend, so instead of waiting to hug her goodbye, i left and said, “i’ll hug you extra hard next time,” and the pain is too familiar to be sharp.

i dream we are in a beach house like we visited once as children, but we are adults. i am delighted to be here, with my family, warm and content and safe. my cousin is there and we’re floating in the pool and i look at her and my easy contentment falters. something is wrong. i put my arms under her shoulders and knees, like i’m supporting a child who’s just learning how to float, and she looks very still and peaceful until she cracks open an eye to grin at me. “oh no,” i say say, looking at her, remembering, “you’re dead.” disappointment flashes over her face. i wasn’t supposed to say anything. i wasn’t supposed to remember.

then i wake up.

i dream we at a garden we’ve never been to. it is bright and easy and the moment i see her, i know that she is dead, but she does not. i don’t tell her, i let her drag me to look at roses bloom, and try to feel for coldness in her skin, but it’s warm. i make myself smile and she doesn’t make me let go of her hand and it’s so very warm here. for the first time i want to stay, but it’s not even a choice. she looks down at our clasped hands and when she looks up, her lips are tinged blue. “oh no,” she says, and i’m reaching for her, to pull her in to hug her extra hard, but i’m not quick enough, “i’m dead.”

then i wake up.

can you forget you’re dead? i wonder. can you forget you’re alive?

the last stickysharp dream i had was over a year ago, and it was this:

i am at the beach with all my friends. i love them so much. it’s hot and and the sand burns my feet so we are sitting on the shoreline, damp and hot and laughing.

there is a bright flash of light. it’s a bomb going off. i don’t know how i know, but i do, and i run.

you can’t outrun a bomb, but i try, my first instinct to flee and the hot sand is burning my feet. it takes me too long to realize that no one else is running, that they’re all standing perfectly still, watching their death coming for them.

my friends are still at the shoreline. the first shockwave is coming. i don’t have enough time to run back to them, even though i want to.

i die alone

then i wake up.

i do not remember my dreams, generally, and i don’t put much meaning into dreams, generally

generally

Tags

idk poetry stories super-natural kinda has elsewhere vibes

More Posts from Maysgarden and Others

maysgarden

4 years ago

-ˋˏ txt + random angst prompts i think ab before i go to bed ˎˊ-

[ ༻❁༺ ] foreword : have i cried from said prompts before? yes.

[ ༻❁༺ ] warnings : angst, mentions of insults, infidelity, and implied death

[ ༻❁༺ ] genre : angst

the other members under the cut !

choi yeonjun ; he didn’t mean those words.

yeonjun held his breath as he realized the words that just left his mouth. the red he saw in his eyes dissipated into thin air, realizing the weight of his anger as he watched his hurtful attacks sink into your system. his hand twitched to reach out to you, his throat itching to say something, anything to take back what he just said. he didn’t think it would, or could escalate this far. his heart clenched as he watched you close your mouth, taking back anything you were going to say back to him. countless regrets were swimming in his head in that moment, and he was unsure if he could ever reverse the damage he already dealt.

he watched as you simply turned away from him amidst his growing self-loathing, his legs paralyzed as he watched you turn around and exit the door with tears pooling in your eyes. in the blink of an eye you were gone; truth be told, he didn’t know when he forced himself to stumble to the sofa and sit down, his breathing heavy and panicky. you weren’t in the wrong for any of this, he only had himself to blame. yeonjun had no excuse to lash out the way he did—you didn’t deserve to become his punching bag.

yeonjun sat in silence, unmoving as he hoped and prayed you’d walk back through those doors for a chance to explain himself and apologize profusely. he waited hours in the same position, zoning in and out of his thoughts with a rigid posture over the sofa. he needed to tell you he didn’t mean what he said. you should know, right? that he’d never do anything to hurt you.

but the longer he waited, the more he realized just how little of a chance he was going to get.

choi soobin ; you were almost enough.

you didn’t understand how soobin could be so cruel with pushing you away, his face void of any emotion as he placed his hands in his pockets. his words were indefinite, and though you tried so many times to see through his harsh attitude, all attempts were futile in the end. he was wicked enough to let you believe you were worth staying for, when you should’ve known the truth from the start.

—

it took soobin everything in him to stop himself from yelling out to you, his fingers shaking as he watched you disappear into the distance. did you not notice the way his voice faltered when he told you to leave? did you ignore how he purposely didn’t look at you? he was sure it was a sign he didn’t actually mean it. he’s the one who always told you that he didn’t mean anything he said unless he was staring into your eyes. his heart fell to his stomach as the image of you fading, lifting his hand to his face to the fresh feeling of crying.

you didn’t deserve to have your feelings toyed with, nor did you deserve to be treated like a game. soobin’s lips quivered as he clutched a fistful of fabric around his chest, unsure of what to do next. he was such a fool to let you walk away so easily, he was the idiot for not trying hard enough. even worse—you left thinking that you weren’t good enough. the words were there, right at the tip of his tongue—he knew he wasn’t worthy of you, nor your heart.

you left thinking you were almost enough for him to stay, but soobin stayed knowing you were always more than enough—and he’d never be able to measure up.

choi beomgyu ; you weren’t different from the rest.

there was a different kind of pain that traveled through beomgyu’s system as he came face to face with you, your face horrified at the scene before you. the body that clung to him, lips pulled with the smirk both you and him knew all too well. he didn’t even have the strength to pull away—how could he? you saw the damage he dealt. you saw how he broke his promise, his end of the deal. you didn’t even need to ask why—you had always known he would never be satisfied, even if facing the truth brought pain.

beomgyu couldn’t stop you as you simply feigned calmness, his face dropping as you smiled at him, nodding in understanding as you simply took the initiative to walk past him. he managed to pull his arm away from the other as he tried to follow you, but with each step he took, you seemed to walk faster. no words were shared between the two of you—he knew he messed up. the worst part was, he’d never get another chance to make up for it.

he promised he’d mend his ways for a chance with you. thinking about it now, beomgyu didn’t even know why he relapsed back into how he was before. he was better than those temptations, that the only physical contact he needed was with you. you warned him, so many times—you’d leave if he went back on his word. you reminded him over and over again, for fear you’d get hurt in the end. and he swore up and down that he’d never do anything to hurt you.

but in the end, you ended up being the same as everyone else. and he was left alone, back again at square one.

kang taehyun ; give up, he’s won the war.

taehyun didn’t realize just how much you knew of the enemy, how easy it was for him to slip up and get too comfortable with you by his side. he filled your visions of a romeo and juliet fantasy, where the two of you could run away together and start anew. and you fell for it—you fell for him. a perfect man, so charming, endearing—

until you found out he wasn’t.

his heart sank when he saw that knowing glint in your eyes—the one that told him that you knew everything he wished you didn’t. how he was in on the plan to use you for infiltration, to tie your heartstrings to the kite that would soar for his family, warring against yours. taehyun didn’t know how or when something changed in him, how your smile enchanted him in ways he promised his father he’d never succumb to. he wasn’t allowed to fall for the bait—yet his heart yearned for him to admit the truth when you appeared, tear-struck and betrayed in front of him.

he wasn’t allowed to apologize for the things he did—the plan was fool proof, he just happened to land in the worst case scenario. he created an apathetic facade as you tried to search for answers through him, looking for any sign that this was just a nightmare. he rooted his feet to the ground when you realized you wouldn’t get anything from him, clenching his jaw as you took a deep breath, wiping your tears before walking away.

taehyun was the reason they won the war, but he felt no desire to celebrate. what good was a victory, when loss was all he received in return?

hueningkai ; he’ll love you when he’s gone.

hueningkai didn’t know how to comfort you in such a heartbreaking time, reeling from the way you cowered into a corner when he appeared in your bedroom, his body translucent and shimmery—the way ghosts would appear in movies. his non beating heart wrenched in agony as you screamed profanities at him, yelling for the hallucinations, the misery to leave your head. he wanted to reach out and touch you, to comfort you that everything was alright.

his departure from this world was all too soon—there were so many things he wanted to do with you, to see with you. hueningkai wanted to stay with you. he watched you shrink into the corner of your bedroom, lethargically walking step-by-step forward to not alarm you. you had no more fighting power to throw anything his way—your chest heaved with pain as the ghost of your beloved knelt beside you, a sad smile on his lips as another round of tears welled up in your swollen eyes.

he didn’t know what to say, how to apologize for hurting you the way he did. he didn’t know how much longer he had left before he had to depart from this world—but he had to try. hueningkai reached forward and tried to caress your cheek with his thumb, gulping nervously as he watched you try to lean into his touch. he felt nothing, but the way you closed your eyes to imagine him next to you was enough for him to relax. no words were spared between the two of you as he spent his last moments with you, nothing but love shared between you two until he heard bells ringing from afar. he turned to you then, noticing how his own body flickered in front of you.

though you cried once more, you nodded and whispered goodbye, before you’d lose the opportunity for good. hueningkai left a final kiss on your forehead—a sign that he’ll always love you, even when he’s gone.

Tags

txt ☆ˎˊ˗ short txt x reader rec txt fic

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maysgarden

1 month ago

It's April 10, 2025, for me, so it's the 500th anniversary of the Prussian Homage (1525). So here's an artwork of mine copying Matejko.

It turned out pretty good, I guess?

Tags

art hetalia this is lovely historical hetalia hws prussia hws poland

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maysgarden

2 years ago

we still visit the graves of the kids we used to be - judas h.

Tags

poetry trauma healing childhood issues

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maysgarden

4 years ago

housebound | ot7

— pairing; ot7 x reader

— genre/rating; fluff / pg15

— word count; 5.8k

— warnings; swearing, cuddling, needy boys, seriously they won’t leave reader alone, quarantine is the reason that reader & the boys are together but it’s only mentioned once!

— summary; what do you do when you’re forced to stay with your seven famous best friends and they start fight over you like you’re the last slice of pizza? you create a schedule, of course. (basically just a compilation of activities you do with the boys in isolation)

thank you to @joonsrack for reading over this for me!!! u the best <3

— masterlist —

“____! You said you would play Overwatch with me!”

“No, she said she was going to help me bake cupcakes!”

“You guys are funny if you think _____ is missing an episode of Love is Blind with me.”

“Actually, you’re all wrong. She promised me that she’d do yoga with me.”

This is it, you rubbed your temples, trying to drown out the yelling around you, this is the day I kill them all.

Keep reading

Tags

fluff oneshot bts fic rec bts ot7 x reader bf!reader

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maysgarden

1 month ago

I want you to remember:

The fascists hate you too and they just will pretend otherwise until after they've killed the rest of us, before they turn on you.

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maysgarden

4 years ago

bts_butter group teaser photo 1

Tags

bts AAAAAH pics guess i'll die then idk

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maysgarden

4 years ago

I have emotional breakdowns over fictional characters. That's all you need to know about me.

Tags

quotes ? i guess don’t call me out like this honestly i'm feeling attacked rn

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maysgarden

4 years ago

M.List

note: these works are all pairing with bts x reader, meaning these are all poly ot7 contents

♡ - fluff ☾ - angst ✓ - series complete ✎ - series ongoing

| request rules |

M O R E W O R K S

drabbles masterpost

song drabbles masterpost

aus+quote masterpost

wbmg masterpost

latest: wine | wbmg

O N E S H O T S

you belong to us ➳ ♡ ☾ harassed by guys at a party, your boyfriends comes to the rescue to make sure they know you belong to them read here

cuddles & cries ➳ ♡ you hate scary movies but the boys decided to put it on anyways read here

beautiful night ➳ ♡ in which the guys finally come out and tell you how they feel read here

feelings of doubt ➳ ♡ ☾ fights and makeups read here

what am i to you ➳ ♡ a fight over you has you questioning what exactly you were to the seven vampires read here

sanctuary ➳ ☾ sometimes home isn’t a specific destination, sometimes home is when you’re crying and they reach out to hold you in their arms despite the rules. sometimes home is what you call their arms, your sanctuary read here / drabble

flowers & tattoos ➳ ♡ you own a flower shop right next to the tattoo parlor your boyfriends own read here

pretty little flower ➳ ♡ ☾ you were their flower amidst the dark read here

mikrokosmos ➳ ♡ ☾ cursed from a witch that turned them into actual sized humans and claiming that had been their true forms all along, maybe living with them in that way was better for you — if they weren’t that good looking and had your heart drumming every moment at just the sight read here

yours alone ➳ ♡ they were always captivated by your beauty, but sadly they aren’t the only ones read here

strawberries & cigarettes ➳ ♡ ☾ you were forbidden to love any man outside the partner your father had chosen for you, but you knew you could never give them up despite how bad they were for you read here

when the rain gets rough ➳ ♡ ☾ when you try to voice out your feelings and they get too busy when a deal goes wrong, the rain gets rough as a fight escalates read here

until the last star falls ➳ ♡ ☾ ✓ it was a love you knew would never make it out alive without sacrificing a part of your happiness to receive a greater happiness. but for them, you’d go to any extreme to have them again, and for you, they will always remind you each day that you are theirs and that nothing can tear you apart, not even until the last star falls read here / epilogue

caramel macchiato ➳ ♡ once known as the dark and ruthless gang members, fell for the one that was as sweet as a caramel macchiato read here

honeylove ➳ ♡ ☾ sometimes it may feel as if you are punished for loving each other but no matter what happens, they will always make it better read here

nightlight ➳ ♡ ☾ things have never been easy for you but you never expected it’d be them that would make things easier read here

heartbeat ➳ ♡ ☾ running away from your master is never easy so you deem yourself this will be the last time if you are fatefully brought back to his hold again. so what happens when you stumble upon seven men who says they won’t bring you back? what happens when they promise you their love and care instead? read here

love poem ➳ ♡ ☾ for years you’ve suffered for the longest time and for years they’ve hurt without understanding the true meaning behind it all. soulmates connected through the hearts, soulmates connected through the slightest touches, and when they finally meet their last soulmate, the seven gods vowed to themselves that they will love and protect you for the rest of their immortal lives read here

a gentle memory ➳ ☾ sometimes things are just not meant to be. and sometimes they are. the boys recall all their memories spent with you on the day of your wedding read here

as long as you’re here ➳ ♡ whether you know it or not, you always make things right again read here

because i’m yours ➳ ♡ you should have known they’d never let you go after gathering the courage to ask for a kiss read here

a cup of love ➳ ♡ ☾ some days they can forget to appreciate you but even then, you’ll never stop to show them that you care read here

when the morning comes ➳ ♡ it’s not always the easiest when it comes to waking up and having to leave you but even then, you make every moment worth it all read here

wine ➳ ♡ you’re filled of surprises when drunk read here

D R A B B L E S

drabble: when a demon loves ➳ ♡ a demon’s love was more powerful than any human could ever give you read here

drabble: guardians ➳ ♡ ☾ no matter what fight may try to tear you apart, they will always be there to protect you read here

drabble: when october ends | implied poly ➳ ☾ you had to savor every moment before october ends read here

drabble: little jellyfish ➳ ♡ they were the only ones immune to your sting, and you were their little jellyfish read here | seek

drabble: milk & honey ➳ ♡ you’re small and sweet like milk and honey, but sometimes they are even more sweeter read here

drabble: comforting arms ➳ ♡ ☾ they come home to find you silently crying to yourself read here

S E R I E S

string of fate ➳ ♡ ☾ ✎ they set fire to the world around them but would never let a flame touch her masterpost

the butterseries ➳ ♡ ☾ ✓ their names alone had every men and women turning their heads and falling at their feet. successful, prestigious, handsome, rich and untouchable to anyone that looked their way. and you? you were just an employee who worked for them. who would have known you meant so much more to them than you could ever imagine? masterpost

rose & thorns ➳ ♡ ☾ ✎ a lone rose, a little broken, until Jungkook came along and the two of you saved each other. and in doing so, Jungkook showed you a world where he shared with his six other mates masterpost

soft ➳ ♡ ☾ ✎ they loved you so hard they softened. and for that, they had to pay for their mistakes — if it was even a mistake. but it isn’t. loving you is never a mistake soft / sweet / lovely

unlove me, i dare you ➳ ♡ ☾ ✓ it wasn’t meant to be. you’re only a burden part 1 | part 2

Tags

seriously bts faves bts fic rec bts ot7 x reader read all of these love the mafia aus and butterseries in particular

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maysgarden

4 months ago