Abusive Parents Make Sure Their Children Always Act Like Everything’s Okay. That’s One Of The First

“I don’t know where stand with you. And I don’t know what I mean to you. All I know is every time I think of you, I want to be with you.”

—

When you start to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.

It is likely you will feel the worst of your trauma only after you’re safely away from your abusers. A lot of you need to hear this and be prepared. Even if you didn’t have a strong reaction to trauma while it was going on, even if you felt like you were fine, and even if you can manage your symptoms now, once you’re safe (as in, abusers physically can’t get to you), the absolute worst of trauma will hit you because it will be finally, for the first time in your life, safe to feel it. This can mean exhaustion like you’ve never felt before, because it’s the first time you’re allowed to rest, and you don’t have to expect a sneak attack like you normally would. It can mean more panic attacks, more breakdowns, flashbacks, nightmares, feelings of terror, re-living past, feeling frozen in trauma, paralyzing, shaking, crying, having your entire body hurt and ache, your chest feeling like it’s tearing in pieces. You might experience bursts of rage and feel so irritated and restless you’ll want to jump out of your body. Your fear of the abuser will increase thousandfold and you will feel like you’d rather die than spend one additional second in their presence after what they did to you. It will become completely insane to you that you were able to live in their presence ever before.

This post-trauma effect isn’t irrational or exaggerating, if you feel this it’s because this is how horrible the trauma really was, but your were not able to feel it in the moment for several reasons; one of them is that it was unsafe to feel those things in front of abusers, they have already taught you that you will be punished for displaying trauma symptoms in front of them. To be additionally hurt in the middle of such pain would be unsurvivable. The other is that it would have killed you to feel all that as a kid. Keeping all that repressed to feel later is your body’s strategy of survival, you can only feel it now because you’re still alive in order to do it.

What you’re going thru is extreme and something nobody on the earth should be put thru. No matter what you do, do not blame yourself for your symptoms, because it’s impossible for you to cause this to yourself. Know that whoever caused this to you did it on purpose, and is absolutely evil for it. You did not deserve this. Go easy on yourself and allow yourself more comfort, more rest, more ease than ever, you do not need any additional stress, grief or self hatred in this time of your life. It is awful, and extreme, but it will get better. It wouldn’t be happening if your body didn’t estimate that you can survive it. It will come in waves, so don’t despair if you get a little better and then worse, it’s designed to allow your body a little rest before the next wave hits it, again in order to be survivable. Trust your body to know what to do, because it already pulled you thru so much trauma alive. And do not trust anyone who doesn’t think you should be safe from people who have done this to you. And do not trust anyone who doesn’t think you should be safe from people who have done this to you.

Me, clearly traumatized: yeah, but like, what if I’m faking it??? Like, what if it’s not real???

I see sooo many posts showing support for those who have abusive or absent fathers so here’s one for those of you whom have mentally ill mothers who didn’t raise you right because they couldn’t. 

This is for you, the ones with moms that suffer from bpd, ptsd, anxiety, depression, addiction, etc. The mothers that always go out, and the ones that never leave the house.  I’m sorry she kept you sheltered growing up because she’s afraid of the world. I’m sorry for every name she ever called you out of anger and all the crying fits she made you feel responsible for. For all the times she scolded you for buying the wrong thing or not putting the dishes away correctly. I’m sorry you had to listen to her as she screamed at you at the top of her lungs as you begged her to leave you alone. I’m sorry you can’t open up to her. I’m sorry she can’t see what a blessing you are. I’m sorry she can’t be proud of you no matter how hard you’re trying, but I am. I’m proud of you. 

You’re doing great, and you deserve to be happy and to be supported.  It isn’t your fault that she is the way she is and you can’t fix her. Whether she refuses medication or abuses it, it’s not your fault. When you start to notice her illness rubbing off on you, it’s not your fault. 

You’re more than good enough and it’s going to be okay.  I promise.

there’s something about you that makes me want to be better. i look at you working so hard and achieving all of your goals and it makes me want to do the same. i want to be the best version of myself for you because you look at me and i know i can be.

4am

Just a friendly reminder that the brain of those who have suffered trauma is physically different than a “normal brain”. Trauma and abuse has a severe, long-term psychological and neurological effect. This is why you have difficulty concentrating, why you have trouble sleeping, why you can’t seem to stay focused, why you cry at the drop of the hat, why you’re not satisfied with yourself, why you think everything is your fault, why you think you’re toxic, why you’re full of regret and you don’t know why.

And get this. When you experienced this trauma, no matter how long it happened or how many times, your brain instantaneously made judgments about the world, your sense of self, and others. This is why you’re paranoid. Why you trust no one. Why you perceive things to exist that aren’t true in reality. It’s why people say you’re crazy, over-dramatic, or too emotional.

You may not heal in a day, but know this: it is not your fault. Your brain is responding to trauma.

This post is made specifically to shame mothers who tried to convince their child that their abusive, cold, distant, aggressive, controlling, violent, you-are-never-good-enough-for-me father actually loves them. This is made to call out every single mom who sat their child down, and told them “Your father isn’t good at showing it, but he loves you.” Or any other complete, utter LIE. 

Because how could you fucking live with yourself after teaching your child to doubt their own senses when they’re being hurt and to call it love? How could you not drown in a pit of shame after telling your child to accept abuse as love! What do you think will happen when they get a spouse who abuses, neglects and hits them? How do you think they’ll feel when they hear your repeated words “they’re bad at showing it but they love you.” How could you take action to make SURE your child keeps living in abuse?! Your children are dead right to think they’re being despised and abused and you went and messed with their fucking sanity. This is unforgivable.

And I fucking know why you did it, you wanted your family to stay together, AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR CHILD BEING ABUSED! Abusive families should NEVER STAY TOGETHER! Not at expense of any member! And especially not the most vulnerable, most defenseless human in it, who you were supposed to be protecting from abuse, not aiding abuser in brainwashing them! 

I will never forgive any one of you. You’re an adult and you stood there and watched your child be abused and took the abuser’s side. If you loved your child you’d be jumping out of your body to try to make sure they’re away and protected from all and any abuse. You all ain’t shit and you don’t deserve your children. Fuck you. 

And of course the child will latch to any hope that they can somehow earn their father’s love and they’ll be filled with completely false hope and then try harder and work harder to please their abusive dad which is exactly what he wants and then he will go and break their fucking hears over and over again because abusive dads are not capable of loving their children and they never fucking will be. Setting your child for even more pain than what they’ve already endured at the hands of their father is fucking evil. What you should be telling to your children is “That man is complete garbage and nothing he ever said about you is true, his approval isn’t worth shit, he is incapable of love, you go and live free of that bullshit, and never think that you’re not good enough because doesn’t know shit about who you are.”