As Someone Who Has Been Living With Severe Suicidal Ideation My Entire Life I Wanna Tell You All Something,

“We’re not friends. We’re not enemies. We’re just strangers with some memories.”

— Frank Ocean

“I don’t know where stand with you. And I don’t know what I mean to you. All I know is every time I think of you, I want to be with you.”

—

You ever convince yourself that you’re so annoying that you’re not allowed to post anything or text anyone because it’s so annoying and by some weird logic you convince yourself that even writing down your feelings is annoying so you feel like you’re collapsing in on yourself and you feel so awful and trapped and alone? because mood.

You may have left me physically, but you never left my thoughts. I still ache, waiting for your presence. I would do absolutely anything to have you in my arms, I don’t see you coming by, so I let you live on inside my imagination. The sad truth is that I love someone that I could never be with. That’s what hurts me the most.

It is likely you will feel the worst of your trauma only after you’re safely away from your abusers. A lot of you need to hear this and be prepared. Even if you didn’t have a strong reaction to trauma while it was going on, even if you felt like you were fine, and even if you can manage your symptoms now, once you’re safe (as in, abusers physically can’t get to you), the absolute worst of trauma will hit you because it will be finally, for the first time in your life, safe to feel it. This can mean exhaustion like you’ve never felt before, because it’s the first time you’re allowed to rest, and you don’t have to expect a sneak attack like you normally would. It can mean more panic attacks, more breakdowns, flashbacks, nightmares, feelings of terror, re-living past, feeling frozen in trauma, paralyzing, shaking, crying, having your entire body hurt and ache, your chest feeling like it’s tearing in pieces. You might experience bursts of rage and feel so irritated and restless you’ll want to jump out of your body. Your fear of the abuser will increase thousandfold and you will feel like you’d rather die than spend one additional second in their presence after what they did to you. It will become completely insane to you that you were able to live in their presence ever before.

This post-trauma effect isn’t irrational or exaggerating, if you feel this it’s because this is how horrible the trauma really was, but your were not able to feel it in the moment for several reasons; one of them is that it was unsafe to feel those things in front of abusers, they have already taught you that you will be punished for displaying trauma symptoms in front of them. To be additionally hurt in the middle of such pain would be unsurvivable. The other is that it would have killed you to feel all that as a kid. Keeping all that repressed to feel later is your body’s strategy of survival, you can only feel it now because you’re still alive in order to do it.

What you’re going thru is extreme and something nobody on the earth should be put thru. No matter what you do, do not blame yourself for your symptoms, because it’s impossible for you to cause this to yourself. Know that whoever caused this to you did it on purpose, and is absolutely evil for it. You did not deserve this. Go easy on yourself and allow yourself more comfort, more rest, more ease than ever, you do not need any additional stress, grief or self hatred in this time of your life. It is awful, and extreme, but it will get better. It wouldn’t be happening if your body didn’t estimate that you can survive it. It will come in waves, so don’t despair if you get a little better and then worse, it’s designed to allow your body a little rest before the next wave hits it, again in order to be survivable. Trust your body to know what to do, because it already pulled you thru so much trauma alive. And do not trust anyone who doesn’t think you should be safe from people who have done this to you. And do not trust anyone who doesn’t think you should be safe from people who have done this to you.

every piece of me is begging myself just to ask how you feel about me. i need to know if when you picture your future i’m the person beside you. i need to know if my smile makes your heart skip a beat. if you love me back because god damn not knowing is making me losing my fucking mind. i try so hard for you. i show you in every way i know how that you are who my heart belongs to. i started loving you before i ever learned how to love someone right. now i know how and i still love you. i would do anything to just prove you to you how much i’ve changed. that i will do better this time. but i don’t think you care anymore... maybe it’s finally time to let you go.

I SWORE THIS YEAR ID STOP CHASING PEOPLE WHO DONT WANT ME BUT I STILL LOVE YOU// 4am

You might miss them right now, but I promise one day you are going to meet someone far better. Someone who fills your heart full of a light you couldn’t find anywhere else. It will all be clear as to why this had to work out the way it has.

“I can’t make them love me. Nobody can force love. It just can’t be helped if they don’t love me. It’s not anyone’s fault.”

— Me, age 8, thinking about my parents.

STOP SCROLLING FOR A SEC

this is for all of you feeling guilt or regret

every single person has said and done things they regret or feel guilty about

and we think about it a lot and beat ourselves up over it

but what does that accomplish?

we can’t just pull a time machine out of our ass and go back in time and change the past

what’s said is said and what’s done is done

the fact that you are feeling guilty about it shows that you are a truly good person that knows right from wrong

there is nothing you can do to change the past, so you just have to move on

everybody makes mistakes, and then we learn from them

that’s just how life goes

live in the present. because that’s all you can do for the time being

now stop feeling regret and guilt, and go live your life

you’re doing amazing, and you are doing the best you can. stop being so hard on yourself all the time

we’re all just human after all.

Temples are built for gods. Knowing this a farmer builds a small temple to see what kind of god turns up.