You Know What’s The Worst Thing About Abuse?

You may have left me physically, but you never left my thoughts. I still ache, waiting for your presence. I would do absolutely anything to have you in my arms, I don’t see you coming by, so I let you live on inside my imagination. The sad truth is that I love someone that I could never be with. That’s what hurts me the most.

signs you love her

1. you think she is beautiful even when she has acne all over her face and hair tied in a messy bun. you think she looks hot when she tries to be mad at you for being too hard on your self. you think she looks better than most of the human population and you think she looks best when she’s in your arms professing her love for you between sips of that bitter vodka you bought her.

2. you can’t stop thinking about her brown eyes, short black straight hair and freckled pointed nose. you can’t stop thinking of how her lips would feel against yours right this instance. you can’t stop thinking about how perfect her breasts feel in your hands. you can’t stop thinking about the late night conversation you had with her. you just can’t stop thinking about her even when you’re sipping coffee at starbucks, even when you’re watching a horror movie, even when you’re in class studying discrete math.

3. you know when she is angry, or when she is pissed at you for talking about other girls. you know what she likes to eat when she is on her period. you know when she is upset about that paper that she turned in late to her professor. you know she likes to be the centre of your attention always. you know she smiles when you hold her hand firmly in public. you know she bites her nails when she’s stressed out. you know her inside out.

4. you smile like a crazy man when you see her. you smile when someone says her name. you smile when you see a text message from her. you smile when you’re around her. you smile when people say you look good together. you smile when someone tells you she looks beautiful, like its a compliment for you and not her. you smile when she tells you she loves you. you smile when she tells you she loves to be your girl. you smile all day like an idiot and you smile until someone tells you to stop smiling because she’s not even around.

5. you talk about her to everyone, to your mom, to your bestfriend, to your room mate. you tell them everything about her. you tell them about how you read this tumblr post and it made you think of her. you tell them she’s perfect, not because of how she looks, or how smart she is, or how well she writes but because she’s yours. and only yours. you tell them how you don’t date a nine, but always a fucking ten, so yeah you tell everyone how and why she is a perfect ten.

Am I being sexually groomed? Checklist

Bold the items that happened to you, italicize if you’re unsure. This checklist covers sexual grooming only, it is usually done on top of regular grooming, for which you can find checklist here. You can be sexually groomed by your family and relatives, by your peers and people your own age, even if you’re both children. It can also be done by strangers. Trigger warning for mentions of sexual abuse. This checklist covers child grooming, but all other categories can apply to adults as well.

Illusion of pure intentions

This person goes far out of their way to not judge me and seems to approve of everything I do and think, making me feel very comfortable to tell them private things about me

This person got me to confide my sexual trauma in them, and they seem like someone who understands and wouldn’t use it against me

I initially felt this person migh have sexual intentions with me but they reassured me they only wanted to be friends/have a professional relationship with me

This person shows curiosity in my sexuality and my sexual thoughts and habits

This person often turns the conversation sexual, even when it wasn’t in the start

This person keeps finding a way to talk to me in private, even when it feels inappropriate

This person claims they only want to be intimate with me because of how much they love me

This person convinces me sexual conversations or sexual touch holds deep emotional meaning for them and they’re only asking for it out of care and desire for me

This person talks very passionately about sex-related concepts and ideas, it’s obvious from the way they talk they’re very excited about it and it would make them happy if I participated in it with them

This person equates me with a fantasy of the perfect sexual partner they want, and they want me to play the part for them

This person compares me to their ideal sexual partners in media (fictional characters, anime characters, book characters) and call me their names to convince me to play the part

My instincts are telling me this person’s behaviour is off, and the way they look at me makes me feel unsafe

 Exploitation of children’s inexperience

This person insists on me watching sexually themed media (lolicon-type anime, sexually themed movies or cartoons, soft or explicit pornography, fetish games, bdsm content, ddlg content, no matter how soft)

This person convinced me that children can consent to sex, and that it’s okay and acceptable to indulge them in it

This person seems to want to teach me about how sex works and touches me to demonstrate it

This person ensures me that them touching me sexually is okay because they’re only trying to teach me

This person doesn’t think child marriages, practices of sexual slavery of children or pedophilia are wrong, and convinces me that these are just misconceptions, where in other areas of the world this is acceptable and normal

This person loves pointing out to me how horribly and brutally other children are tortured and raped, compares it with how they treat me, expecting me to be grateful

This person comments and sexualizes my body, even when I’m underage

This person praises my maturity and claim they’re drawn to me for my intelligence

This person sees me as an equal adult, capable of indulging and consenting to sexual activities even when I’m underage

This person insists on watching me doing my private activities, like showering, changing clothes, masturbating, and says that it’s normal, or that I’m being unreasonable and withholding if I prefer privacy

This person convinces me that if I don’t want to be seen naked, or have sexual contact with them, it’s because I’m shy, or ashamed of my own body, and they encourage me to stop being like that

This person says it’s okay to touch me just because it’s them, it would be wrong for someone else to do it

This person made it seem like being sexually abused was something completely normal, something I wouldn’t even think to object or fight against

This person made naked/sexual images of me, or manipulate me into making them

This person started touching me sexually at very young age, I had no idea what was going on

This person made me say that I want to do sexual things, or to have sexual things done to them before they did it, so I feel like responsibility is completely on me

This person claimed sexual things we did were just a game and to not take it seriously, I don’t feel like I have the right to be traumatized since I didn’t feel hurt or resist at the moment it was happening

This person had me used to the idea of people being sexually touched as a joke or a game, long before they started doing it, so I wasn’t able to figure out it’s abuse or defend myself 

This person explained to me that all of my friends/peers are also doing the same kind of sexual things, and told me I would be the only “coward” who didn’t do it

This person convinced me that everyone else my age who had this done to them had good reactions and loved it, and I was stupid for not wanting to do it

This person had me used to the idea of people being sexually touched as a joke or a game, long before they started doing it, so I wasn’t able to figure out it’s abuse or defend myself 

Minimizing/denying the abuse

This person continually tries to convince me that acts that feel sexual to me are not sexual (they reduce the meaning of sexual touch to “massage” even if it involves sexual areas)

If I try resist the sexual touching, this person minimizes it and says it’s not a big deal, only playing/tickling/petting, even if they’re touching places I feel uncomfortable being touched, or my private areas

If I ever try to call out the sexual abuse, they insists it’s not “rape” or there wasn’t penetration so I have nothing to complain about

This person insists the sexual acts they’re doing to me can’t be abuse because they got me to say it “felt good” at some point and I’m not allowed to change my mind anymore

This person talks as if any victim of sexual abuse is only reacting badly, and abuse itself is just a game or not a big deal

This person equates sexual practices with love, and insists they only do it to me because they love me

Psychological manipulation

This person gives me a lot of approval, praise and adoration if I indulge in sexual behaviour with them, but if I reject it, they immediately turn to insulting or ignoring me, making me feel guilty

This person exposed me to a whole community of people who agree with their sexual ideas and practices, and I will be rejected from it if I try to express it’s wrong or that it makes me feel uncomfortable

This person makes me feel like I’m denying them something they have every right to, if I reject their sexual advances, they call me cruel and manipulative and make me feel awful

This person takes my refusal of sexual acts as “disrespect” and actual offense against them, they feel justified in punishing me for it

This person accuses me of not loving them if I refuse to give them sexual access to my body, or refuse anything sexual they want to do to me

This person will withhold care, attention, resources and support if I try to resist them and want privacy and to not be touched or exposed to sexual material anymore

This person told me in detail about sexual trauma they went thru, and they seem to want me to help them heal by taking control of my sexuality

This person confined their deepest traumas to me, and I feel obliged to give them anything to make life better for them

I feel if I refuse sexual contact with this person, I will become worthless in their eyes

Forceful destruction of privacy and sexual boundaries

This person insists on talking about sexual things, even if I’m embarrassed and uncomfortable

This person insists on continuing sexual conversations even after I let them know I’m not comfortable with it

This person gives me a feeling like they expect me to eventually become sexual with them and I’m not given much of a choice in that

This person uses slurs, degradation, and sex-based insults for anyone they disapprove of

This person starts touching me in non-sexual ways which I don’t resist, but they end up turning into sexual

This person talks to me about sexual practices in detail, and they keep encouraging me to try them, even when I’m obviously reluctant and uncomfortable about it

This person kept wearing me down no matter how many times I said no, until I would get too tired from fighting them and allow them to do what they wanted

This person convinces me to touch them non-sexually, only to push further and make it sexual without my consent

I don’t feel safe physically fighting this person off of me, and even when I try they keep insisting and convincing me to not resist them, and that they’re right in what they want to do to me and I’m being unreasonable

I rely on this person for care/caretaking/necessities but they will only interact with me if I keep indulging in their sexual conversation/contact/participate in watching sexual media

If I resist this person, their behaviour escalates into anger, neglect, hatred, insults, threats, blackmail or violence

If I resist this person, I fear they might get me fired, kicked out of my home or even imprisoned

Sabotage of support or escape

This person made sure I have nobody to tell about the abuse

I think if I told my friends/family about this, they would freak out and claim I’m being sexually abused

This person insists on keeping our sexual encounters secret from anyone else, they’re worried of what people might think if they find out, but they mask it as “our secret”

This person told me if I tell someone, or resist them, they would hurt me, or hurt themselves

This person convinced me that even if I told someone, nobody would believe me

I feel incredibly ashamed and guilty about things I’ve been manipulated to do to this person in the past, I can’t bear someone knowing or humiliating me for it

I feel guilty because some parts of sexual contact felt good for me and I initiated some, I feel like I am at fault for everything that’s happened

I’m scared I’ll be exposed as someone who willingly sought out sexual experiences and will be humiliated and abandoned by the society for it, if someone finds out

I’m scared of what this person might do to me if I tell someone

I’m scared I’ll lose my family/job/friends/safety if someone finds out

I don’t have anyone else I can rely on, so I have to give this person whatever they want of me

Whenever I gather courage to break it off, this person does something crazy or dangerous to stop me

I don’t feel that anyone else could ever want me, all I have is this person, even if they hurt me sometimes I can’t cut them off

I feel dirty and like “damaged goods”, I don’t think anyone will ever want me after what I allowed this person to do to me

I wish none of the sexual encounters ever happened and I feel intense self hatred for not fighting back more, for not resisting more

If you bolded and italicized 5 or more items on the list, you’ve been exposed to sexual grooming. Whoever did this to you had no right, it was wrong and you take no blame in it. Sexual grooming and sexual abuse will leave a heavy mark on your life, and regardless of how far the sexual abuse went, even if it didn’t get to explicit sexual acts, you have been harmed, your sexuality and perception of intimacy have been harmed. These are one of the most serious types of abuse. If you’ve been groomed in this way, it’s likely you’ve experienced other types of abuse and neglect as well, so whoever would, on top of all your suffering decide to abuse you sexually as well, is a monster.

I hate you for making me love you so much when you couldn’t give a damn about me

“I’ve come to the realization that our relationship failed not because I didn’t love you, but because I didn’t love myself.”

— m.g.

What people don't understand about abusive parents

What people don’t understand about abusive parents is that we can’t always hate them. We can’t just constantly hate them because a lot of them are quite nice half the time. It makes it hard to hate them because it’s like “they’ve been horrible to me but they treated me to a present yesterday or a cute little chocolate bar so I’d me rude to hate them because of what they’ve done for me” and it’s destroys your mind because then people questions if they actually are abusive when you seen to like them at that time.

Gaps in memory.

Losing memories of traumatic events is a strange experience. Instead of scenes, the memory turns into a feeling.

An instinct.

It’s like an involuntary survival tactic; planting a fear so intense that even the thought of a certain person makes me start shaking.

For such an enormous fear, it’s almost surreal being unable to pinpoint exactly what happened.

Sometimes I wish I could remember, if only to ease my own doubts. But I think my body’s trying to tell me something without overwhelming me with why.

I’m not afraid to get in anyone else’s car.

I’m not terrified of being alone with other people.

My body remembers, and that says enough.

“I had a dream that we kissed last night. And suddenly, I prefer sleeping to reality.”

— Dreaming of You (h.c)

“Perhaps the Saddest Thing of All, is that losing you, was like finally facing an addiction. Your smile was my liquor, your words were like my cocaine, and you embrace was like a shot of morphine. But the fact that you’re gone, means that I’m finally getting better.”

— Excerpt from a Book I’ll Never Write, Perhaps the Saddest Thing