Positive Message Of The Day

Kiss me in public. Put your arm around me so people know I’m with you. Call me babe in front of our waiter. Pull me in because I’m just not quite close enough to you. Make me watch that one tv show that’s your guilty pleasure. Tell me your biggest fear and I’ll promise to protect you. Kiss me at red lights because if you don’t then I’ll kiss you. Show me the one song you can never listen to without crying. Don’t hide the tiny details about you. Because I’ll remember every one of them.

have you ever fallen in love with someone that’s just so perfect? they treat you with nothing but kindness. they look at you the way people write stories about. their laugh is the sound that makes your day better. every single day. you look at them and you’re just home. i never thought i’d actually find someone like that, but i met you and suddenly we are what others dream of. you and i could conquer entire cities, discover magic and spend our entire life happy because we found each other. you are what i wished for.

4am

Important reminders: 

You don’t have to make amends with people who hurt you or abused you.

You don’t have to forgive them.

You don’t owe them an apology.

You don’t have to forget what they did.

You don’t have to have a relationship with them in any capacity!

You’re allowed to grieve and be angry and yell and question things.

You’re allowed to grow and heal without them.

You don’t have to seek “closure” from them. Closure can come in many different forms and ways that don’t require that person or people.

You don’t owe your abuser(s) anything. Not your money, not your time, not your energy, not your love, not your forgiveness, not your blessing. Nothing. You owe them nothing.

I think sometimes we’re too hard on ourselves. We wrinkle our nose at our reflection in the mirror, we long to look or feel a different way, we compare, scold, bully and dislike ourselves, all the time.

But we forget that we’ve been through so much. Those people might not have done. Our bodies have fought constant battles, overcome many hurdles, fallen down, got back up and continued, no matter how injured, tired or sick we’ve felt.

Those scars manifest and show in different ways, and some may not show at all. Someone else’s success is not your failure, and comparing yourself to someone or something that has not led the exact life you’ve led with your brain chemistry, body and decisions is an unfair game.

The fact you’re reading this now is an enormous triumph, and we should give ourselves more credit. You are loved, wanted, and valid. You should be proud of yourself because you are doing just fine. Even just holding on is enough. You are enough.

“I’m not in a good place, I haven’t been in awhile, I surround myself with people because for a small moment I’m okay. However, as soon as they are gone, the voices come back to play. I use to drive home from town wishing I don’t make it. Now everyone seems to tell me to drive safe, to get home, to text them when I get home. Now I have to, I have to get home, I have to be able to text them, I can’t let them down, I can’t disappoint them, I can’t be selfish. So I get home, I sit in my room, letting the demons tell me I'm worthless. I know you want me home, I know you want me safe, I know you want me here the next day, but these voices are making it harder to keep my promises. They are making it harder to stay alive.”

— p.s.w // excerpt from a book i’ll never write #275

I want to take you to the movies and i want to pay for your ticket i want to buy a large popcorn for us to share so that i have an excuse to touch your hand and i want to look at you whenever there’s a joke so i can see you laugh and it will warm my heart. i want to stand outside the theatre at midnight while you wait for your dad to come get you and i want to here you talk about the movie i want to see the combined light of the coming soon posters and the moon on your face.

I want to take you to the beach. i want to put up the umbrella while you laugh every time i think it’s in the sand but falls over a few moments later. i want to see you dive headfirst into the water, i want to stand there in awe of your bikini clad confidence while i stand in my oversized t-shirt and shorts. i want to hold your hand as we walk in the surf i want to feel the water hit my ankles, i want to swim out as far as we can go and see who can hold her breath the longest.

i want to rake leaves with you, with our little brothers… i want to listen to you talk about how much you love him, i want to watch your eyes light up, i want to grab your arm and pull us into the giant pile of leaves. i want to collaps laughing beside you as the sun starts to dip below the horizon i want to notice the leaf in your hair and laugh as i brush it away.

I want to take you ice skating, at the rink they set up in the park next to my house. i want to hold your hand because it’s been so long since i’ve worn a pair of skates. i want to fall on my ass and then on my back because i’m laughing so hard, i want you to land next to me. i want to give you my coat and take you home when you get cold. i want to make you hot chocalate and throw marshmallows for you to try and catch in your mouth. i want to cuddle in front of the fire underneath a huge blanket and tell you how cold your hands are.

i want to take you to the fair at the end of summer. i want to win you something at one of those games tables. i want to scream and giggle with you while we ride the zipper i want to swear that i’ll never do that again but know that i’ll be back next year. i want to eat cotton candy while we sit on a bench watching people walk past us. i want to get stuck at the top of the ferris wheel with you, i want to talk about how small everything looks from up here i want to tell you that no matter how high i got i’d still be able to pick you in a crowd.

I want to take you stargazing. I want to climb onto my roof with a blanket and a bottle of wine. I want to listen to the leaves rustling beside us and i want to listen to your wine drunk ramblings about how the stars are so beautiful. i want to show you how even though we are so very small in this universe i couldn’t feel more comfortable and significant lying here with you.

i want to go shopping with you. i  want to find the dress shirt i need in ten minutes but stay in the store for hours because you can’t decide between the hundreds of dresses you see. i want to sit in the chair outside the dressing rooms. i want you to show me every dress, i want to tell you that you look amazing in every single one of them, half because i want to leave this chair but also because you do look amazing in anything you wear.

i want to take you to the school football games. i’ll have to bring my camera i want to end up having just as many photos of you as i do the game. i want to kiss you every time we score, and because that doesn’t happen very often at our school i want to kiss you every time the other team scores. i want to end the night drinking that crappy hot chocolate that’s really just chocolate syrup and boiling water.

i want to meet your parents because they’re so much more accepting than mine who will still think we’re just friends. i want to hold your hand under the dinner table. i want to pretend to be casual and confident when really my heart is racing my stomach is doing backflips and i can’t catch a breath.

i want to hold you in my bed. i’ll be the big spoon because i want to protect you and keep you warm. i want to put my laptopat the foot of my bed so we can watch movies. I want to play with your hair and kiss your neck. i want to feel you breathe against my chest. i want to pile as many blankets as i can find on top of us. i want to let you fall asleep on my chest. i want to stay awake for as long as i can because i want to savour that moment i want to memorize the curve of your body and the smell of your hair and the rythm of your breathing. i want to only sleep when i can no longer hold my eyes open and dream of nothing but you.

i want to take you on cheesy dates and hug you so hard that you forget everything wrong with the world. i want to kiss you so hard you forget to breathe.

but most of all i want you to want me

Tbh there are like 0 perks to dating me

i.

The light in your eyes is not the street lamp that will guide me home. All of my friends tell me I make decisions too quickly for my own good, leave people too soon, but I’ve always believed love isn’t a sensation you can think through. You only feel it or you don’t. It’s either there or it’s not, it either exists like a fire in the darkest night your eyes have ever seen or never alighted at all. I’ve tried to run from that truth, I’ve tried to bury myself in arms that felt more like coffins than they did bedsheets. I tried to suffocate so you can breathe, I tried to drown myself because the you wanted me to become a part of your ocean so badly and I could never tell you “no”. I tried. And I tried. And I tried. But everything inside of me yearns for something more. Maybe there is so much darkness inside of me that I crave for the brightest of fires, something that will tear the fabric of my soul apart, but deep down I know you never managed as more than a flicker within me— not because you weren’t enough, but because you believed loving me was a habit instead of a revolution.

ii.

I am so much more than a “good morning” text or compliments I could find on Instagram posts. I am so much more than what you thought I needed to remain comfortable. Fuck, love is so much more than remaining comfortable. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what love is supposed to feel like, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like being trapped. Deep down, I know I am meant for something greater than affection that reeks of routine and the fear that I’ll never find anything better. Love isn’t supposed to be a chore. Love isn’t supposed to feel like passing the time. Love isn’t supposed to be mediocre. Life is too short, too full, too beautiful to be populated by regular love and lovers who cannot understand that affection is more of a revolution than an emotion. I am sorry if I am asking for too much, but I would kill myself before I allow the fires that reside within me to slowly dim in light of an affection that never burned bright enough. I’m sorry women like me don’t come with warning signs, but I pray someday someone will fall in love with me due to the flames alone.

— ap (12.18) loving me was a revolution but you never learned how to handle fire

Dating when you’re borderline is like going through 8 breakups in one day and the other person doesn’t even know

I still believe we’ll get our second chance…