Too Many… Maybe

“its getting bad again but i don’t know if i have the motivation to stop it this time.”

— i thought i was done feeling like this

There’s a frustration that comes with trying so hard and yet finding no results. I’m trying so fucking hard and yet I can’t escape the fact that I’d be better off dead.

I need new haters, the old ones fell in love with me

When you've been cutting for the last 2 years but only in fingertips and for the first time go onto the wrist and the guilt and the satisfaction hits you like a truck is just 🌟🌟

Abused kid things:

having scars on your body you can’t remember how you got them

gaping holes in memory

feeling distortion in your limbs, your body doesn’t feel yours

always feeling terrified of being called out for a mistake

worrying that you are A BOTHER to everyone at all times

guilt for wanting attention

depriving yourself of attention to cope with guilt and thinking it will “toughen you up”

guilt for receiving attention

feeling uncomfortable whenever things are about you

always feeling seconds from being targeted for someone’s anger

being overly accommodating and still feeling it’s not enough and you will PAY FOR NOT DOING MORE

feeling you’re going insane

trying to blame your own symptoms on yourself

trying to shame yourself just like everyone else has shamed you

feeling life would be better if only you weren’t the way you are

craving for something horribble to happen to you just so you could stop anticipating it

fantasies of abuse + obligatory guilt for having fantasies of abuse

self doubt over weather you actually deserved or wanted to be abused

trying to prove to yourself that you didn’t

not knowing how to prove that to anyone else

trying to soothe yourself by explaining your symptoms away and telling yourself your fears are not real

wondering why you stayed alive this far

I can’t explain

One of the worst parts of mental illness is that it’s so hard to explain to other people.

Trying to describe what it’s like to have a mental illness is like trying to describe colours to someone who was born blind.

I can try to explain as many times as you need, but you don’t understand. Nobody does… I feel so alone. So isolated. So empty…

One day this will kill me and I can't wait for that day to come.