The Words We Couldn’t Say— It Bleeds Into Our Silence. Don’t Say Another Word, If It’s All Going

what would you do when you realise i no longer like you? when, instead of my attention being immediately on to you, i’m too busy with other things to care about someone that used to matter—and instead of trying to talk to you, trying to see you, staying up longer just to have your time, i’m actually just doing my own thing, caring about myself, no longer trying, no longer doing absolutely everything just to be by your side.

— how would you feel when the waves of my heart stop flowing towards you?

marina grace

i saw you among the crowded street. it was a wonder how i could still spot you among the busy crowd. i tried to call your name but my voice won’t come out. i stood there and watched as the distance between us grew, wishing i could reach out to you.

— if only i had the courage to stand before you, would you have been mine?

marina grace

i’m scared. i’m scared of the dark. i’m scared of monsters under my bed. i’m scared of public speaking. i’m scared of seeing my friends fought for something so meaningless that our friendship broke along with it. funny that i’ve always been scared of little things and you, my best friend, told me that the scariest thing in the world is never scary and i didn’t believe you but you hugged me and told me it was okay to be scared because you’ll always be here for me. and then we grew up and you found new friends and a line of people waiting to date you and left me all alone with bad excuses because we both knew you couldn’t lie. and we drifted further apart and i stared at my phone that night, wanting to call you but didn’t, watching it slowly turn to weeks then months then years. i did some self healing then and when i saw your name on my screen for the first time in forever, i was reluctant to pick up. i did anyways, not because i wanted to renewed our already damaged friendship but because in the span of a few years, i’ve grown to move forward and stop living in the past. but from your call, i can hear the sound of loud music blasting in the back, the conversation between strangers next to you and your friends cheering and yelling and swearing. you told me you were sorry and that you still regret ending our friendship so harshly but i told you it was okay and take care of yourself because i realise now that while i worked hard to move forward, you’re still stuck in the past.

— like you said, the scariest thing in the world is never scary but the things you thought weren’t scary are.

marina grace

you were blue but you were beautiful, the kind of beautiful that rip my heart inside out and the kind of blue that left me drowning in the tears you’ve shed when you thought no one was watching. i thought you were so extraordinary, that you painted such a lovely shade around things and people could only glimpse at you in awe, watching that beautiful blue spread everywhere and leave traces all over the place, blue that tipped from sky to sea and it was all you because that blue was the only colour you could paint, that this world made you blue and you were so colour deficient that blue is the only thing you could give to people like us, people with colours. i’m just sorry i didn’t realise you needed saving until that blue is gone and the blue i’m left with were no longer extraordinary but the kind of blue that empties out all my colours and leave everyone wondering how i became the blue you used to be.

— you painted the world blue and when you left, i became the same blue you spread, empty but beyond beautiful.

marina grace

there are more i wish you would say, more words spoken, more actions done and more truths told rather than sad excuses.

— your lack of words is my reminder of why i couldn’t stay.

marina grace

i’m sorry we haven’t been in touch for years. i’m sorry that i didn’t text you back when you asked me if i wanted to meet up that one time. i guess i am a coward, but it’s not like i don’t want to reconcile when it’s all that i have ever dreamed of since the day we parted. i didn’t mean to give up on us — but somehow, the thought of reconciling is like damaging all the fond memories i ever have of you, and i’d rather live in the past then be disappointed by the present.

— to me, old memories of you are better kept that way.

marina grace

don’t tell me pretty lies and try to hold me like i’m yours.

— all i really needed from you weren’t pretty words, it was your honesty.

marina grace

finally i’m doing something good. finally it’s me over everyone else. for so long, it was easy to be anyone else in the world, to say yes to everyone else but myself. it was so easy it was subconsciously done. i didn’t even realise just how much i was hiding, how much shame i didn’t want to show. worse, it was loud. the shame was so loud i couldn’t even swallow it whole. and finally i could recognise it in myself. finally i stop trying to swallow it down. finally i’m not scared to choose me.

— i’m not going to apologise for saying no. if anything, i bravely say yes. i’m saying yes to myself, to who i am, to a life without shame and fear. my dear, you’re good enough, you’re doing enough. you can choose yourself and still have the whole world in the palms of your hands.

marina grace

you are the prize. and if no one has ever tell you that, you are the prize. your worth is not dependent on what other people say about you. your worth is what you are from the moment you were born. you were put this earth to be loved. you deserve the very best things in life. you deserve unconditional love. if there’s someone out there who isn’t treating you like the prize that you are, why are you with them? because they’ve done absolutely nothing to show you that they deserve you. if anything, they are telling you just how little worth they see in you right now, they are telling you that you have no good future with them, at least never a future where they are treating you well and giving you everything that you deserve. if you wouldn’t want to give someone else a future like that, why would you want that for yourself?

— if you see yourself as the prize that you are, would you really stay with someone who tells you you’re not?

don’t delude yourself, you know you wouldn’t hesitate to walk away.

marina grace

as a child, our parents’ hands were our comfort, the reason why we’re holding on. as a child, a hug can say all the words needed to be said and a gentle push to another child standing with their parents was a kind message that it’s okay to seek comfort in someone else, that it’s perfectly fine to depend on others for happiness too. as a child, so many little, yet simple things can bring out a smile. perhaps nowadays these little joys aren’t joys anymore. we grew up and we start looking for bigger, better things. perhaps a hug seems like a chore now. perhaps making friends is no longer for the purpose of seeking comfort. perhaps our parents’ hands is no longer the reason we’re holding on. but please remember that all these little things were once simple joys that bring children like you happiness, that’s not something you can take back.

— simple joys our parents gave to us as a child.

marina grace