Look.

moisturize me

Been working in pest control for 3 months now and i can confidently say that nobody on earth seems to understand that sometimes You Will See A Bugs and that's Normal if you live literally anywhere with oxygen

Welcome, Weary Travelers

Sit down, put up your feet, and treat yourself to a pint.

Our resident bard will be taking the stage in just a moment...

Anyway - Welcome to Satire's Eulogy! Here, you can find musings about my current writing projects, rambling explanations of worldbuilding concepts for those projects, and story requests!

Currently, the only character I am taking requests for is Non-CC Wilbur Soot, as the general fanfinction interpretation of his character was the original inspiration for the male protagonist of my in progress book series and I need an excuse to do character studies. I may also add requests for 'OC' characters, i.e., characters from my series concept, when/if I introduce them here. This is, of course, subject to change.

Rules:

- No NSFW requests. If you won't find it in a high school library you won't find it here.

- Be respectful. There is no room for hate here.

- This is a place for escapism. Leave current affairs/controversies at the door.

***This isn't a democracy. This is a dictatorship. Break these rules - your comment will be deleted & you will be banned.

Useful tags:

Worldbuilding #EulogyLore

Story Requests #EulogyRequests

Other Asks #EulogyResponse

Writing Discussions #EulogySpeaks

Other Junk #EulogyRandom

Sit Back, Relax, and Enjoy the Show!

Several documentaries publically treating Luigi Mangione as guilty before his trial even started got released over the past 2 months.

Here's the billion dollar companies behind them.

Yeah Mr. Darcy’s proposal was a complete turd and a half but you gotta understand. You got your life together. A good career, stable income, retirement plan, all that shit together. And you meet this girl. And she’s everything. Clever, outspoken, funny, calls you on your bullshit. Grade A cutie, right? And she doesn’t go out of her way to spend time with you but she’s nice, and sometimes you catch her looking your way in a way that makes you think you might have a shot.

But her family. Holy shit.

First off, it’s p much ALL women, and mostly UNMARRIED women, which at this time means of something happens to her dad then you’re financially responsible for like. Four grown ass adults, potentially forever

Because mom in law is DEFINITELY gonna need someone to take care of her when dad in law kicks it, and they have like. NO money. So already you’re accepting that if all goes well, you’re gonna be one random old bag’s retirement home. That’s expensive and exhausting, yeah? Imagine asking someone on a first date knowing that if they say yes and things go good her high-strung chihuahua mother is gonna move in with you. IMAGINE.

And girly’s other sisters. Well, one is a sweetheart, yeah, so she probably won’t be an issue, but that still leaves three more, and two of those ones are INSUFFERABLE. Never went to school, dumb as rocks, spend cash like it’s toilet paper

And while one of the two is young still and might grow out of it the OTHER one is actively torpedo’ing her entire family’s reputation by wandering off with random dudes and chasing ass. She’s never gonna work, she can’t build connections, she’s a fucking sinkhole, and she’s being led on by the same goddamn con man ass leeching tit who’s been bleeding you dry while telling anyone who’ll listen that your family is full of ratty thieving bastards.

And if he dumps her after a week- WHICH YOU KNOW HIS BITCH ASS IS GONNA- you’ve got a SECOND UNMARRIABLE GROWN ASS ADULT TO PROVIDE FOR. And you KNOW she’s gonna be a tantrum-throwing little shit about it, and it’s not like you can lock her in the basement or something, you’re gonna have to bring her fucking. Everywhere. And give her an allowance and shit while she contributes zero, because again, she NEVER GOT EDUCATED AND HAS NO MARKETABLE SKILLS. She’s not even good to TALK to. FUCK

And you’re looking at this girl’s father like “please for the love of fuck get your spawn under control, marry them off, get them working on their résumé, learning to sew or be nursemaids or manage staff or SOMETHING, yall got no money and one foot in the grave” and that old man just laughs like “haha yeah, what can you do. lol”

So you’re looking to the mom and finally it’s making sense how she got that twitch in her eye and as MUCH as she is you’re starting to realize she’s the SMART one, desperately throwing her armloads of girls at random men like they’re a bunch of fucking lifeboats bobbing around a sinking ship, like yes Jesus Christ sweetly that life boat IS old and ugly and kind of boring but for FUCKS SAKE PICK ONE

And you look back at this girl who is ALSO REFUSING THE LIFE BOATS BY THE WAY and god damn it she’s still the most radiant thing you’ve ever seen so fine, fuck it, Christ alive, you’ll do it. You’ll shoot your shot. She’s everything you’ve ever wanted in anybody abut it’s not even just about that anymore, it’s about being her best fucking shot at a future, and even if she doesn’t like you all that much she’s still gonna say yes and that might break your heart a bit knowing it’s about the money but who knows, maybe it will at least be civil, or companionable, and even if she doesn’t LOVE you at least you’ll know she’s well and cared for

And so you’ll do it. You’ll take on the neurotic stress mess mother in law, the absent father, the broke ass wingnut no brain no money no future airhead sisters, the bad mannered relatives and the embarrassing behaviour and the impending future of sharing your entire shit with a clown parade of freeloaders, you’ll risk it all and accept the absolute certainty of financial ruin and emotional exhaustion for the rest of your whole ass life and you’ll make your own family deal with it too, you’ll do it, you’ll fucking DO IT, you stupid lovesick motherfucker

And so you go to this chick like “look. Your whole family’s a shitshow. You’ve got fucking nothing and you’re gonna die on the street. But for some reason- and I don’t get it either- I’ve fallen in love with you, and I wish I didn’t, but I did, so I’m telling you that whether you like me or not, I’ll give you everything. I’ll give you everything even if it’s the dumbest shit I ever done. Fuck my stupid Baka ass, I’ll marry you.”

And she looks at you- having heard or considered absolutely none of your months-long internal debate and monologue- and goes “The fuck did you just say about my family, you son of a bitch?”

And the shock of that is enough to jolt you back into a reality where you are able to actually hear and process what just came out of your damn mouth And yeah

Yeah, I think I kinda get it

i love london

Rehnfolgen: a Fertility Festival celebrated through the Avarice Empire

The purpose of the holiday is to mimic a folkloric legend of a fey princess 3 clans warred over in ancient history in hopes she will bless their livestock and women, encouraging frequent breeding and general fertility.

**TW for weird dubious consent stuff. This is a fantasy empire in a fictional world that hasn't quite learned to drink the 'respect women' juice yet. That's sorta the point of the book I'm writing.

3 days prior to the selection party, men put their names in hats and are divided into 3 teams or 'hunting parties'. Women who are participating will then play a game of musical chairs where the winner is named 'Champions Quarr'y.' The game is meant to be random chance, but is commonly rigged so that if one of the women is recently engaged, in courtship with a man dragging his feet, or has a man present who needs a 'push' to pursue her, then she will likely be the one to win. Most participants would argue that this is for the good of the couple, but in reality, it has more to do with the other gentlemen's amusement. Over the next 3 days, the teams will strategize on and prepare the location that will be their encampment.

The night of Rhenfolgen, the women will gather at a local bath house to 'prepare the feast' using bath salts, poultices, perfumes, and powders infused and scented with herbs and fruits. She is then painted in a glaze of honey, berries, and citrus juices. She will then be dressed in nothing but flowers and leaves, with thin clothes over the breasts and nether regions for modesty. They will then lead her into the forest and to a lake where a small row boat will be waiting. The Sovran of Merriment will lead her into the boat, tie her wrists together with soft loose ribbons, and take her out over the river to a nearby island.

He will hide her somewhere on the island in a bed of flowers and leaves, then blow the horn to signal the beginning of the hunt. The goal of the hunt is to find your quarry before dawn, bring her back to your encampment, and then defend her from the other teams trying to steal her. The only 'weapons' allowed are colorful smoke bombs, children's bows tipped with soft cotton tips doused in colorful powders, and decorative hard paper swords, (Fireworks are not technically allowed but somehow always make their way into the festivities).

At dawn, the team leader in possession of the Champions Quarry is declared king of the hunt. The losing teams will gather at the winning teams encampment to celebrate their win. The losing teams are required to prepare and serve the feast. At the center of the feast, the chosen lady will be laid in a bed of fresh fruits. The rest of the day is filled with singing, dancing, bonfires, and lots of sexy shenanigans. Most notable of these is the men stripping themselves naked running through the encampment and around the fire slapping women with giant roast chicken drumsticks.

Near the end of the night, the men and women will gather in two lines, each holding a ribbon for the 'dance of wolves'. Men will dress themselves in furs and women in loose white knee-length dresses, colorful sashes, and flower crowns with small wood carved deer antlers. The goal is to unknot and separate the ribbons.

The men will then chase the women on the other end of his ribbon into the woods. Once caught, he will use the ribbon to tie her arms above her head and…make good on the holiday's purpose. While this is happening, the 'king of the hunt' will take his hard-won quarry to the champions tent. For the sake of decency, we will not elaborate further.

people think they shouldn't vote as a protest or whatever because they've been raised on boycotts. which do sometimes work.

boycotts deprive the target of money.

not voting does not deprive the government of money.

it does, however, deprive you of power.

it's not like a boycott.

you used to be able to play games on cartoonnetwork.com . . . now every company's website wants to give you spyware and spread corporate propaganda but I REMEMBER when you could play a BEN 10 adventure game in-browser without so much as giving away your e-mail. people's heads should be on pikes for this