In Rapid Eye Moves, I Fall Right Back To You

Open Letter to Wilbur Soot

(which will likely be read by no one)

The silkworms out here have no idea what you need, what advice you are getting, and whether there are practical reasons for your silence. We can assume you must be under terrible pressure from outside, inside, and all around.  With apologies and understanding, I feel compelled to apply a little more pressure. 

For every former fan who posts a hateful comment, there are a hundred who stay silent. For every positive comment, there are a hundred who are afraid to speak.  Some are determined to despise you but are agonizing over the affection they still feel. Some secretly want to see you vindicated but are afraid to be seen as not believing a victim.  Do you know how they feel? 

It’s not news to you that you are the object of affection for many, many young people (and a few old ones :)). 

Mansplaining Warning (L’Mansplaining…): A celebrity crush on an actor is different.  Actors play someone else.  When a teenager falls head-over-heels for an actor, the connection is less intense.  The actor they adore is usually playing someone else and the public doesn’t really know what the actor is really like.  You play yourself.  Your chat *knows* you, and while you could argue that it isn’t real, SO MUCH OF IT IS.  They have seen you talk, laugh, react, and interact with minimal filters.  You aren’t an actor to them. You are real.  THEY ARE HEARTBROKEN, and it is REAL. 

The A-word was fixed to your chest by your ex-girfriend. Fandom splintered and sides were chosen. There is a tone that any questioning of Shelby’s characterization of you is anti-feminist or immoral.  People believe they aren’t allowed to accept you. Kids think it’s a true-or-false thing - either you did this or you didn’t.  

They think the man they idolized and thought was the best kind of person is actually the worst kind. Some think they were fooled. Some think they were betrayed. All they have to go on are Shelby’s words, bolstered by the blistering response to your statement from a few of your former colleagues and the deafening silence from the rest.  

There is a feeling that if you haven’t defended yourself, fully, it must be because you have no defense.  If the Sorry Boys and MCYTs won’t defend you, there must be more to this, and whatever you’ve done must be indefensible.

There are thousands of fans standing in the river, halfway across, hoping someone will tell them it is okay swim back.  No one is telling them.  Some have made their way decisively to one shore or the other and will not look back.  The people in the middle are a MESS.  

We know you are hurting.

These fans are hurting. You don’t owe them anything.  It must sting to have them adore you so much and then turn on a dime.  But if you have anything left to give, there are a bunch of fans who need more than anything to hear from you. 

My friend (one of the ‘fan moms’) exchanged DMs with kid in crisis a few days ago and talked him through a suicidal night.  He was struggling with losing you (which is how it feels to them), and the final straw was getting banned on Twitch by other CCs because he supports you.  He just couldn’t bear it. 

I read two Twitter threads today from fans who have denounced you confessing how much they miss being fans.  Both writers started and finished their ‘vents’ with caveats professing their support for victims and disgust for you, to make sure that no one reading would mistake them for “supporting an abuser.”  Then, they go on to describe the loss they feel and the holes in their hearts.  They question whether it is okay to still like Lovejoy.  They shyly ask if it still counts as “supporting abuse” if they can find ways to listen for free. They miss the high they used to get when a new single dropped or a new stream popped up. They say that of course they can’t love you anymore, but they loved the way you made them feel.  Between the caveats, the middle a straight-up love letter. 

Both sides love to toss around the “you’re parasocial” insult.  Who cares.  Parasocial or not, the suffering is real. 

If your PR person, your label, your lawyers, your band are telling you not to talk, *don’t talk.* 

But if not, and if you can ——-

PLEASE START TALKING. 

Talk for hours.  

Any damn way you want.  

Script it.  Wing it.  Push it out in pieces.  Produce a Dream-style YouTube video. Hop on Twitch and talk honestly until there is nothing at all left to say.  

Most importantly, make sure it isn’t short.  More is more. 

Talk about your faults, talk about your perception of what was happening at the time, and your perception of it retrospectively.  Talk about how you are doing, about what these months have been like for you.  (The WSS fans on your side of the river need most of all to know how you are doing.  Honestly. No bullshit please.)  If there are lies, call them lies.  Where Shelby is right, acknowledge it. Take the hits you deserve, but not the ones you don’t. Hit back when it isn’t fair. Please. 

If your silence means “I am exactly the guilty POS you think I am,” by all means, stay silent. 

But if not, PLEASE, for the Love of God, DEFEND YOURSELF. 

 **Now go listen to your team and yourself before taking strategy advice from some fangirl.

ok im going to #seriouspost for a second here. I don't think Harry Potter is a manifesto. I think it was a flawed passion project that millennials latched onto because of the fantasy of sticking it to their mean teachers and arbitrarily categorizing themselves (hogwarts houses; it's the thinking millennial's astrology). I think the fact that the series got popular when and how it did was very much a product of its time.

I don't think Harry Potter is the biggest symbol of JKR's bigotry. I think the most flagrant sign of that was how she responded to critics. I watched her become radicalized in real time. I watched how she doubled down on her racism when she was called out for the ways she promoted her tragically mid fantastic beasts movies. I watched her chase marginalized teenagers with a double digit follower count off of twitter for daring to criticize her thought process, and no one with any kind of power standing against her because she was the one who was paying them. This isn't to say Harry Potter is without flaws. This is to say she really didn't give a shit about that. Getting rich and powerful is a hell of a drug, and she had enough sycophants that she had no reason to care about what her critics were saying.

She was convinced that she was a martyr; a voice for the unheard; a leader for the ages, so of course her detractors were the bad guys. And I think we should take this to heart. We should see this as an example of how easy it is to get radicalized; if you think of yourself as a paragon of virtue, you are going to think that whatever you see as good and right is an objective fact. Most people don't know this, but the majority of terfs start out as trans allies. You are not immune to propaganda! You are not immune to falling into dangerous ideologies!!!

This is why the most important thing you can do as an activist is to listen. Do NOT think you're above being wrong; do NOT develop a god complex; do NOT form an identity out of being right all the time. Involve yourselves in the groups you claim to speak for. Listen to trans women; share resources that help trans women; familiarize yourself with the diversity of experiences that trans people have and the struggles they face.

No, none of you are as bad as JKR because you don't have her money or her power. You will likely never have the capacity for harm she does. But check yourselves. Do not affirm yourselves into thinking you always have the moral high ground. Watch yourselves; humble yourselves; check yourselves for signs of cult behavior and internalized prejudice. You are always learning. You will always be learning. Do not allow yourselves to get a power trip from brushing off marginalized voices.

Dehumanizing bigots is bad, not because I want to be nice to them, but because they are human beings and they serve as a reminder that anyone is capable of evil ideation and action. Violent bigots are not fundamentally different beings from you. They are human beings, who have developed a reactionary and destructive belief system due to their circumstances combined with their biases. In a different timeline, that could've been you. Anyone can be radicalized. Nobody is immune to propaganda, not even the person reading this.

If you perpetuate a cycle of abuse or harassment against someone in an attempt to defame or smear them for personal gain, and they do something to themselves, I want you to know that you are responsible. Because I fucking promise you that that relatively mentally healthy person would not have premediated their suicide or ended up irreversibly damaged otherwise without outside influence.

You have an effect on the people around you.

You are responsible for your own actions.

And you are part of the problem.

I finally made the meme I've had in my head for over a year

As someone in and around their 30’s it has been INSANE to see feminism in popular media descend through

Women can wear pants and play sports and that’s equality. Women don’t just belong inside the house. This woman has a career

This woman can be a mechanic just like a man could. She’s probably still a lesbian, though, which is basically the closest to a man a woman can *be*, and explains everything. But she’s still a person!

If a woman superhero CHOOSES to wear stilettos to fight crime, that’s girl power! This comic character written and designed by men wears a bikini and has a waist size of 12 inches because it makes her FEEL POWERFUL! Girls don’t HAVE to dress boyish to be strong! She can make you a sandwich AND be a feminist! Girl power!

What, are you saying women HAVE to do boy things to be taken seriously? Who are you to tell a woman what to do? Maybe some women NEED to get their hair and nails done twice a month to feel powerful! Maybe a lot of women WANT to be stay-at-home moms!

What I don’t think you understand is that women have an inherent feminine spirituality which guides them towards maternal and nurturing paths. Women need to honour their divine female aura to keep their. Their fuckin. Their chakras together or some shit. You should put quartz up your hooha and huff wheatgrass. Leaving manual labour and science and technology to men is natural and good for you spiritually

Uh she can’t do that, that’s a blue job, she’s a pink job girly. Food? Yeah, she’s having #girl dinner, which is a handful of almonds. Time for our 15 step skincare routine, which is empowering. Hashtag #girlboss. Ew no, touching dirt? She’s just a girl. You can’t expect a girl to do that. Haha #girl logic

Rehnfolgen: a Fertility Festival celebrated through the Avarice Empire

The purpose of the holiday is to mimic a folkloric legend of a fey princess 3 clans warred over in ancient history in hopes she will bless their livestock and women, encouraging frequent breeding and general fertility.

**TW for weird dubious consent stuff. This is a fantasy empire in a fictional world that hasn't quite learned to drink the 'respect women' juice yet. That's sorta the point of the book I'm writing.

3 days prior to the selection party, men put their names in hats and are divided into 3 teams or 'hunting parties'. Women who are participating will then play a game of musical chairs where the winner is named 'Champions Quarr'y.' The game is meant to be random chance, but is commonly rigged so that if one of the women is recently engaged, in courtship with a man dragging his feet, or has a man present who needs a 'push' to pursue her, then she will likely be the one to win. Most participants would argue that this is for the good of the couple, but in reality, it has more to do with the other gentlemen's amusement. Over the next 3 days, the teams will strategize on and prepare the location that will be their encampment.

The night of Rhenfolgen, the women will gather at a local bath house to 'prepare the feast' using bath salts, poultices, perfumes, and powders infused and scented with herbs and fruits. She is then painted in a glaze of honey, berries, and citrus juices. She will then be dressed in nothing but flowers and leaves, with thin clothes over the breasts and nether regions for modesty. They will then lead her into the forest and to a lake where a small row boat will be waiting. The Sovran of Merriment will lead her into the boat, tie her wrists together with soft loose ribbons, and take her out over the river to a nearby island.

He will hide her somewhere on the island in a bed of flowers and leaves, then blow the horn to signal the beginning of the hunt. The goal of the hunt is to find your quarry before dawn, bring her back to your encampment, and then defend her from the other teams trying to steal her. The only 'weapons' allowed are colorful smoke bombs, children's bows tipped with soft cotton tips doused in colorful powders, and decorative hard paper swords, (Fireworks are not technically allowed but somehow always make their way into the festivities).

At dawn, the team leader in possession of the Champions Quarry is declared king of the hunt. The losing teams will gather at the winning teams encampment to celebrate their win. The losing teams are required to prepare and serve the feast. At the center of the feast, the chosen lady will be laid in a bed of fresh fruits. The rest of the day is filled with singing, dancing, bonfires, and lots of sexy shenanigans. Most notable of these is the men stripping themselves naked running through the encampment and around the fire slapping women with giant roast chicken drumsticks.

Near the end of the night, the men and women will gather in two lines, each holding a ribbon for the 'dance of wolves'. Men will dress themselves in furs and women in loose white knee-length dresses, colorful sashes, and flower crowns with small wood carved deer antlers. The goal is to unknot and separate the ribbons.

The men will then chase the women on the other end of his ribbon into the woods. Once caught, he will use the ribbon to tie her arms above her head and…make good on the holiday's purpose. While this is happening, the 'king of the hunt' will take his hard-won quarry to the champions tent. For the sake of decency, we will not elaborate further.

One year since the finale

"You have no more blame in this than I" by greggiana on tiktok / 1,2,3,4,7,9 art by iidalus ctommy / 5,6 art by birdiebrunch / 8 art by mal-a-l-aise