Uneasy

under pressure

AFTERSUN 2022 dir. Charlotte Wells

Winter light (1962)

thinking about that quote by anne carson, "I am someone who did not die when I should have died." and yeah. im wandering the earth with an empty heart and a filled mind like a sick little ghost. it hurts even more when i dont fit into the atmosphere around me and everything feels drowsy and unsettled. im not meant to be here i was meant to disperse and dissolve and disappear years ago and u can tell because i dont fit into this world. im not part of this world like everyone else. im too empty to care and live and love

seeing people from your childhood that knew you before you knew yourself is nostalgic but it kills you when you realize they dont know you now

i shouldve lied about my age on here

sometimes i think about how others may have perceived me; of course, the thought of being perceived itself brings about a disgusting turn in my stomach as i cannot handle being another person's momentary topic. i wonder if i had ever caused great pain for being neglectful as i'm sure i am. i ignore and ignore because i need to ignore the voices in my head and it's easier to do that when you aren't thinking of anyone else. i wonder if i ever broke someone's heart, if they ever thought of me and felt an ache because i was worth not losing, and keeping up with. i wonder if i ever caused a wave in someone's life that was bright enough to be noticed when it wasn't there. i wonder if someone thought of me months later and wished we still talked, if we had moments together that we could have repeated. i know i'm neglectful and i know i'm terrible at showing i care and sometimes i wonder if i do. do i care? am i just really cold blooded inside and don't give a fuck about making others happy? it doesn't matter, because either way, i'm sure i hurt some people at some point in time. or i could just be delusional. i could just be cellophane, or a ripple in the water as i drift from people's lives. i could just matter for a moment and be erased from memory from hence forth, and i'm aware it is because of my own abilities, or the lack thereof. i suppose i'm not afraid of not being wanted, i'm afraid of being forgotten. i think about people that played the smallest roles in my life, and how little i could care about them, and yet how i obsessed i can become with them. i wonder if they remember me and if they think about me sometimes, i wonder if they care that i'm alive, and that i'm not doing well. i wonder if they know i have this sickness and i want to end it all every day, but really i just wonder if they would care to know any of this. i was nothing to them, and i will always remain as such, i want to be remembered, i want to be thought of as gently and intimately as possible because i'm not sure how else i want to be perceived and known. it won't happen but i just want and want and want. i want everything i want people to know and i want people to care and i want people to see and see and see i want people to lunge their hand into my heart and pull it out and eat up the blood and the pain and i want them to understand how i feel and i want my pain to be their pain and for us to be lost in the middle somewhere and i want them to care because we are parts of each others and they can't abandon me now

meeee

How i feel about the recent season quest

sometimes i think about how hard it is for me to cry and how numb i feel about everything, i wish i was still a crybaby i miss who i was before i let the emptiness take me over