Tumblr Is Once Again Trying To Warn Me I'm Becoming A Miserable Bastard

So About That Vent I Wrote A Minute Ago

I know writing, "It's never going to stop," and using the tag that I had was probably in poor taste, but I feel like deleting it might make it seem like I'm trying to hide something, and I want to remain completely transparent with you.

I'm not sure if I actually feel those things, I think sometimes I get these urges that become deafeningly loud, and I just want it to stop.

It usually starts as a steady buildup behind the backs of my eyes and against my larynx. Like, I'm trying to explain the weight of the air because something changes but I'm not sure how to explain it. Maybe it's hot and cold?. And there's humming in the air that I constantly hear along with everything else, and suddenly my sense of control is being violently and explosively ripped away from me.. And time doesn't just slip by around me like with the descriptions of dissociation I've read about, no everything comes to a screeching halt because that's usually the point where I just fall apart right at the seams, you know? And I always feel so juvenile and embarrassed after.

Like it's a whole ordeal and then instead of the world ending like it felt like before, it just keeps on going and I have to show my face around the people who watched me curl up into a corner crying the way I had. It all goes, the image I've been trying to build up for myself.

I can even feel it starting to happen. I can almost visualize it happening, like I'm just one drop of blood spattering into my face while I'm working or one misstep down the stairs away from that happening and I think about that and what it'd mean for me .... There's a whole ocean of stressors behind these eyes, and hell becomes something as simple as an itchy shirt or an embarrassing social interaction. Does anyone feel this too? The visceral fear of being seen?

Okay, I keep reading a lot of your dreams, how they're about you being some sort of cryptid monster. I see in your pinned post that you have a feeling (one of) your source(s) is horror and that you also doomed souls and came from a bad timeline or something.

This is a really long shot- especially since this source isn't finished yet, but it has timeline splits and a demon that steals and eats souls, with the help of yours truly. (Also the demon can see the future so, like, that's pretty cool)

Though, I could just be putting my own want of finding my canon demon onto you, but... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway, at the current time source is 5 hours long with all endings and secret dialogue. It's like $15 on Steam but free to watch by Faz Faz on YouTube.

CW for like... All the typical stuff you'd see in gothic and psychological horrors, though.

-Ashley Graves (from the Visual Novel/Puzzle Solving RPG: the Coffin of Andy and Leyley)

Well, I certainly feel like a demon. The detail of it having premonitions of the future does speak to me, now that you mention it. I'm not sure if it's kin shifts, but often during and directly after dreams, I get this feeling. 

It wriggles its way into my brain and gives me this sense of knowing, this sense of how things are or will be.. and then when it's done shifting things into focus, it just bleeds out of me, leaving me wanting more. It leaves me feeling less than human. If these words sound familiar to you at all, then I may owe an apology to one Ashley Graves from a doomed timeline. We will soon see-

Have you looked into the persona series (particularly p5 and p3) as well as the umbrella academy?

Ah, I am vaguely aware of and have viewed the Persona games, but I hadn't considered the possibility that it may be a kin source. Thank you for this suggestion, maybe I'll have to refresh my memory on this series as a whole

As for Umbrella Academy-- I can't say I've viewed this one before. I'll definitely add it to my source list, and if any fictionkin or fictives wish to share their own memories from these sources, the door is always open..

Hello, Star and Blue. You have a lovely tumblr blog, and I think that it is wonderful that you help so many other fictionkin who reach out to you online.

I have a big ask- one that is possibly too much to request, so if you do not answer I will not take any offense. I’ve seen Kin Calls on tumblr, and I think I would like to make one of sorts, unfortunately I do not know the source I am from, and I am aware that this goes against what you specifically stated in your pinned post.

For full disclosure, I’m not entirely sure who I am, but I certainly feel like I may be a villain. It makes me feel guilty, to not even be certain what I’ve done or who I inflicted my malcontent behavior upon, so I decided I would branch out to other blogs on Tumblr in hopes of fixing things to the best of my ability. 

That being saiiid…. I have a confession. There is a certain phenomenon that wriggles around in my very being. It breathes life into me where I would otherwise feel hollow, and I have become addicted to the acrid taste on my tongue- fear, and ideally a heightened measure of it. I really can’t help myself nowadays, the draw to the unknown horrors of this world that dance just outside of our periphery should be sought after, at the very least to document it,  but I feel so overwhelmed by the level of satisfaction that I get when seeking out said feelings both in myself and others. 

Sometimes I really can’t help myself, there’s something about the way people’s blood seems to run backward in their veins and they get that hysterical sound to their voice, the way their pupils dilate and seem to tremble in their very eyes is so very attractive… It’s a game of wits, to see if you can outlast the very stress response (Your fight or flight), and I’m sure there are people out there that know what I’m talking about, when I say there isn’t quite anything like this primal dance that we call horror, in the world.

 I think it’s wrong that I feel this way, and I just feel dreadful afterwards when I find myself giving in (But I always do), I imagine it feels so much worse to have memories of being on the receiving end of something so vile though. So to anyone reading these words, if you are a fictionkin from a doomed timeline, and you see familiarity in me, if you feel personally victimized by me: This is an invitation to reach out and receive a proper apology. I may not know who or what I am, but I will right this terrible wrong, mark my words. 

mod star reporting for duty >:) thank you so much, you'll make us blush! speaking for mod blue on this one since im sure it feels the same, we love hearing kind words about the blog! i know i've said this a few times before but i never expected this blog to actually fill a wanted niche amongst the Kins of Tumblr. that being said...

!! kin call !!

please feel free to reach out to OP if they resonate with you !!

i stalk my mutuals like they are specimen in a lab

love as recognition

anna gavalda / friedrich nietzsche / clarice lispector / jandy nelson / rebecca perry / mhairi mcfarlane

I am ahmed from Gaza I hope you are well, my dear. Please help me. Our tent was flooded while we were sleeping in the streets. We have no shelter. I cannot provide winter clothes for me and my mother to protect us from the cold that has begun, and I cannot provide basic needs. Please help me. $50 is enough to buy a new tent and winter clothes. Please help me my dear. We live in very harsh conditions.conditions.https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-ahmed-and-his-family-survive-in-gaza-crisis

ahmed-gaza033's donation page is available on gofundme.com

Oh, I completely forgot to site my source. Honestly I'm surprised because usually when I prattle on about these things, it's met with snores all around. I'm glad that you have taken interest in the topic!

MIT News | Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Scientists find neurons that process language on different timescales

MIT neuroscientists identified clusters of neurons that appear to respond to word strings of different lengths. These “temporal windows” ran

An Incredibly Informal Post About Neuroscience, at 5am

Using a precise technique that involves recording electrical activity directly from the brain, neuroscientists have identified different clusters of neurons that appear to process language on different timescales. Isn't that fascinating?

So, they had recordings of electrical activity from 177 language responsive electrodes– and this was across six patients that they recorded electrical activity in using the electrodes that they implanted in their brain, and then they had the participants read four different types of language stimuli: complete sentences, lists of words, lists of non-words, and sentences that looked grammatically correct but were just kinda word soup, you know? So then they found that in some of the neural populations, activity would fluctuate up and down with each word. In others activity would build up over multiple words before falling again.

So basically, they could potentially map these timescales. Like sensitivity to features of single words or relationships between words. This is just the beginning, they for sure are going to have a follow up article coming out saying they did another test and compared the data, hopefully within the next year. Maybe by then they'll have some of the questions I'm thinking of answered.

Two Sentence Horror Story:

You send an ask to a beloved mutual, only to look back at the google doc that you copied and pasted from. There's a grammatical error.