Unknown / 1990

04/13/05

Fiona Apple // photo: Jason Nocito for Nylon magazine, 2005

I think an under-discussed component of "Twink Death" is that whatever allowance we are awarded to express femininity and androgyny is tied to youth. It can be charming in a "boyish" way, but it's a phase we're supposed to grow out of when we reach a certain age and revert to the generic category of men. Are many afraid to age because we live in a youth-obsessed culture and want to remain fuckable? Well yes, but I see a real fear that suddenly our gender expression will be seen as embarrassing or perverted. It's also of course fucked up that gender expression should be tied to body type to begin with!

Harm Reduction Eating Disorder-Edition

The following post might be triggering, altough not intended. This list is a collection of my own tips, tips I found on tumblr and tips my doctors and therapists told me:

Always carry something with actual sugar in it with you. No, not a zero sugar candy but something with glucose. Take it if you feel dizzy/ feel like you are about to pass out.

Eat if you want to drive/ride! Doesn’t matter if you wanna go somewhere by car or by bicycle. You are putting yourself and others at risk! Don’t. Do. It. If you don’t wanna break your fast ask someone else to get you there or take the bus. If you really need to get there by your own you should eat s o m e t h i n g. Maybe your safe food or some fruit.

Don’t trust people that claim to be a coach! Someone who suffers from an eating disorder would never share tips to destroy yourself! Most of them are old man that try to get your nudes. Never ever send them pictures or give them personal information. If you need to vent or you need something just text me and I will listen.

You don’t need to restrict like crazy in order to lose weight. Check out your basal metabolic rate. This is the amount of calories your body burns by simply existing, like laying in bed all day and not moving an inch. You should not eat less than your basal metabolic rate.

If you are a minor, don’t tell anyone. Don’t put your age in your description. There are creepy people out here that are looking out for young girls that way.

I know going to the toilet can be a tough situation when you suffer from an eating disorder. Instead of using laxatives try out natural apple-juice or plum-juice, maybe even some dry fruits. You can also try out flaxseeds (drink water with it!) or maybe you want to take some magnesium.

You should take vitamins/ go to the doctor to check your vitamin levels.

That one is well known, but I want to mention that you shouldn’t brush your teeth after purging. Drink water or milk and wait 30-60 minutes before you brush your teeth. If you struggle with bulimia you should also invest into a good toothpaste and go to the dentist on a regular basis.

Don’t count calories when you binge. You will only make yourself feel bad by doing that. It is not helping you at all. Drink water or tea and lay down. If your tummy hurts you should put a pillow or something like that underneath your legs. This position will help your belly to relax.

Don’t go ‘all or nothing’. If you binged take some time to rest until you get better. Don’t go in even harder, because you think your day is already ruined. Don’t eat another bag of potato chips because “it doesn’t matter anymore and you already fucked up”. The brain is like a field. Everytime you binge you are leaving a trail. The more often you use this trail, the more wide beaten it will become. If you stop using the trail, grass will overgrow this path and it will be easier to make new, healthy habits. One day you will not even be able to tell where the path was. With that said, every single time you refuse to binge, you refuse to give in because “you already messed up” it will get easier to resist the next time you feel the cravings kick in.

I have to get skinny because there's nothing I can do about the fact that:

I don't have a beautiful face

I'm not exceptionally talented at anything

I grew up poor and don't have cool vacations or life experiences to make me interesting

Trauma has made me a really boring person who's been stuck in survival mode their whole life and therefore doesn't have a cool personality

But if I was skinny. If I was skinny there would be at least ONE cool thing about me. At least one thing for people to wish they were me over. At least one thing for people to feel envious of me for. At least one thing about me that would be loveable.

me bc i have seasonal depression💋💋

Kim Novak during the filming of ‘Vertigo’ (1958).

Doppelgängers in films/tv Possession (1981) Evil Dead II (1987) Twin Peaks (1990–1991) The Double Life of Véronique (1991) Perfect Blue (1997) The Haunting of Hill House (2018) Us (2019)

Once - Once is Plenty

Saw this last weekend, and I had pretty high expectations for it, based on the word of mouth and reviews that I’d seen. I think it is a welcome relief in the heat of summer from the usual hollywood crap to see a small, cinema verite bittersweet romance make it to the multiplexes, which could account for its popularity with the starved moviegoing public. I was a bit underwhelmed. The music was ok, the male lead “guy” (Glen Hansard) who I had seen before as the guitar player in “the Commitments” was great, his singing was impassioned, his awkward mooning over the girl was believable, and his quiet relationship with his vacuum cleaner repairman father was cute. The “girl” on the other hand, I just didn’t see what he saw in her, her vocals and piano playing were a bit dull and wooden, her personality wasn’t really fleshed out very much - perhaps it was enough for her to just “like his music” (where did the money come from to rent to recording studio? I’m a bit unclear on that?). As for the film overall, a bit heavy on the MTV sequences (but probably more enjoyable to watch than more painfully awkward conversations). The ‘Dublin Street Musician’ culture that we got a glimpse of in the beginning was kind of quirky and interesting, and on the plus side, the movie really knew how not to overstay its welcome, clocking in under 90 minutes (ending just about at the point where I was checking my wife’s luminous watch to see how much more of the movie we had coming).

In retrospect I may have been overly harsh with this one, for personal reasons - was just not in the mood for a movie about a male/female songster collaboration.

3.5 stars out of 5

Released 2007, First Viewing July 2007