How Many Scenarios Did Kim Dokja Actually Complete? Let’s Count Them!

Yoohankim! Based on this:

Kim Dokja is a Star because I get the vibes that he is the thing that yoohan look for in the sky also because he’s a Constellation. Han Sooyoung as the sun because without her writing everything, shining light on everything, nothing would exist. Yoo Joonghyuk as the moon because he is constantly changing and showing different parts of himself, and because there is a half of the moon which is always dark, which reminds me of the theme that you can never truly know a person as their whole.

I have the head canon that Kim Dokja starts to avoid reflective surfaces at all times, but especially after he first sees his attributes window.

Like, at first it isn’t obvious, he just doesn’t really like when his phone is turned off and he can see the reflection, but then it gets worse, he glances at a mirror after washing his hands and quickly averts his eyes, because when he looks, is that really him? This strange man in the mirror with eyes that seem like bottomless pits into unknown galaxies?

Then the attribute window happens, and there is a hole in his face, not just a bit blurry but smudged, completely indistinguishable, with a complete non-existence where his eyes should be. Gone are the galaxies, nothing but an abyss, unending and still growing.

When he arrives at 1863, after everything has calmed down and he has gathered his bearings, he stumbles across a full body mirror while in his demon king form (just roll with it) and realises that he can see nothing of himself but the horns and wings, and his own clothes, but none of those are really his though, just byproducts of the scenarios. Nothing left of him is really there anymore.

He full out refuses to look in mirrors from then until Kaizenix, with the thought that this is a stranger’s body, surely it’ll be fine if he sneaks a peak? But it isn’t a stranger’s body he sees then. It’s that blurry, white coat wearing man that simply cannot be him.

He looks at his arm, clothed in a fine poet’s blouse with golden thread lining it, blond hair falling over his eyes, and the mirror looks at its coat, with its hair being an ebony.

In Journey to the West, it is at its worst. His skin moves, with new slit shaped scars that have no source appearing after leaving N’gai. These open, and he sees those same piercing galaxy-like eyes running all over his skin. The worst part is that they work. Two eyes became thirty, thirty became more than a hundred when it happened all over his limbs. He hasn’t ever felt this disoriented, even when he was burnt alive and had to experience the first use of Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint stage 3.

A sweeping look not look, nothing is just a look anymore to appraise how he will get to the scriptures is interrupted by his eyes falling on the lake, and that figure in a now dirty white coat looks back at him. All he does is look. All that is beneath the coat is a mess of eyes.

After the final scenario, he looks at the oldest dream. If he lets his vision blur he sees that mass of eyes underneath the boy’s skin, watching, looking, reading.

On the train, surrounded by companions, his cheek has blood on it in the reflection. He wipes it off. There is no mass of eyes, and it is once again his face. No galaxies, no abyss.

51% of him sees himself in his phone. There is no longer a reflection.

I'm thinking about a canon adjacent au here okay hear me out. what if pre-scenarios hsy actually thought/knew she had DID?

with the blank spots of memory and lapses of time and tiredness and weakness etc hsy started to worry she had a brain tumor or something. went to a doctor & all the scans came back clear so she was directed to a psychologist instead. she learns of DID and is kind of excited to meet this apparently other person living her life (she's maybe 20 yo atp) yet her hopes are shattered bc her alter is apparently the most. uncomunicative bastard in the world. ignored all her sticky notes saying hi, all attempts at journaling or deligating tasks or following appointments on the shared calendar or working together on anything. radio silence from them, except for throwing the notes in the trash so she knows they saw them.

hsy is annoyed. the therapist suggests they don't feel safe or secure enough to talk yet and hsy begrudgingly accepts that.

its not like the other hsy is actually putting them in danger, as far as she can tell, they spent all their time on the computer doing who knows what (browsing data is always deleted after)

their body was literally collapsing under the weight of stress though, so even if the other her wouldn't help, hsy had to start managing this shit somehow. she's forced to be the responsible one and plan her day around the other her. has to take care of things like cooking and cleaning and eating and bathing in her own limited time awake, on top of things like friends and events and of course writing for work. has to choose to rest sometimes when she wanted to go out because of the other her.

she resents the other hsy for this at first - this is one of the things she spent a long time working out in therapy (among other issues besides the DID. apparently her childhood had fucked her up more than she realized) the therapist suggested the alter may not speak directly, but they're still communicating through their actions - to try to understand them and what they might be feeling. hsy does, even though she didn't want to.

the other hsy didn't seem to have any friends or leave the house, they didn't feed themselves or drink water on their own - hsy often woke up ravenous and thirsty and they were paranoid- han sooyoung found knives under her mattress once.

hsy knew these things, they were annoying, but looked at them in a new light now. for her to act like this, her other half must be damaged and cautious - the therapist had expected it, says these conditions don't develop on their own. it was a sobering thought. hsy can deal with a couple of inconveniences if it means she can stay the carefree and extraverted person she is, not miserable and lonely like the other her. maybe that's selfish but she deserves to be selfish sometimes doesn't she?

in the beginning, she tried to force the other hsy to come out - they spent a lot of time on the pc, so she took a weekend and went to the countryside, hiked to a camping spot and set up. she had her phone but no internet and wanted to see what the other her would do.

she woke up at midnight, dirty and sweaty, muscles screaming, in the closest bus stop with her phone at 2%. she could still feel the panic and adrenaline in her trembling arms, the way she had ran here. it scared her, she didn't try to force the issue again.

as for 1863, when young hsy tried to talk to her through notes she thought "oh shit oh fuck" but then realized its not like she can get kicked out (probably?) so decided to ignore her until she gave up. she tries not to interfere with her life more than necessary.

one time she woke up in a shrinks office, freaked out, threatened to stab the therapist and fled out the door. in her defense, she hadn't talked to a real life person in a month and really hadn't expected this. (for young hsy this was actually a breakthrough in therapy. she was very excited, gave her weeks of material to work on. after apologizing profusely.)

I just love this dynamic of twitchy, very maladjusted survivor who cares about very few things in life and herself is not on that list, and the exasperated young writer who wants to enjoy her life but has to deal with bullshit at home. frustrated, but at the same time curious and sad for the other her.

How this ends is. han sooyoung wakes up at the train station, looks around, and sighs with exasperation. the other her must have left her somewhere again. there is an odd hollowness in her chest that she writes it off and then the apocalypse happens.

hsy gets the avatar skill and wryly thinks its like it was made for her. she had always wanted to talk to the other her and now after so long she finally got the chance. she creates her, sees her for the first time- older than herself, skin tight around the eyes and a hard twist to her mouth like she hadn't ever smiled. shoulders hunched, she's got a confused, lost look in her eyes.

hsy says "hey, calm down, it's okay- well. things are crazy right now but you're mostly safe, I can explain."

the other her looks at her own palms, drags them up her forhead to clutch her hair, shaking her head and groaning. she stumbles away. "what have you done?"

hsy's throat feels strangled. "I- wanted to talk to you. what- what's wrong?"

the other her doesn't answer, looking blank, and then she bolts. hsy shouts and gives chase but eventually loses her, panting for breath and holding her knees in the street. "Fucking damn it!"

canon proceeds as usual. epilogue happens and hsy remembers everything, or more accurately, the other her comes back but this time without the walls dividing them. hsy feels complete for the first time in her life, and the hollowness she felt the day the scenarios started is gone.

post epilogue domestic bliss ensues where they actually get to know each other and talk openly about their experiences, after so many years.

Whumpril Day 1 - Hug

Also posted on ao3

Han Sooyoung lets out a sigh, looking at the mountain of notes she had spent the past day sorting through.

“All these notes, yet you can’t just stay alive, can you?” She wasn’t talking to anyone. The person she wanted to talk to was long gone. All that was left of him was his piles and piles of writing, on the scenarios, on constellations, on items. Nothing saying where he went or what could bring him home.

She had taken it upon herself to read through all of them, organising their leader’s scattered thoughts into something the rest of them could manage.

Grabbing her summary of what she went through, Han Sooyoung made to stand. Pushing her chair back, her vision went dark as she rose. How long had she been sat there?

Doubling over, she gripped the table. Her vision remained dark, her head rushing. She groaned at the sensations. She knew she had to get closer to the ground, then it would be less of a fall if she passed out.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

“Sooyoung-ssi? Are you alright in there?” Yoo Sangah’s gentle cadence came through the closed surface, a hint of concern in her tone.

Han Sooyoung tried to respond but the pounding doubled in strength, eyes seeing naught but waves of darkness. Another groan emerged from her throat.

“Is that you? I’m coming in,” and the door opened. Yoo Sangah’s gentle cadence was shrouded in what seemed like a halo of heavenly light, but Han Sooyoung knew it was just the too-bright lightbulb in the hallway shining into the poorly lit room.

Yoo Sangah let out a gasp when she saw Han Sooyoung. Her hair was matted, her eyes clamped shut with the eyebags beneath large and noticeable.

She rushed over and wrapped her arms around the writer, holding her close.

“Are you okay? I came to check on you because no one’s seen you all day,” Her concerned words were too loud for Han Sooyoung’s aching head, so she scrunched her eyes further closed and tightened her grip on the table.

When Yoo Sangah saw her do this, she tried to pull them both away from the table, and to the mattress that had been set up for when company members were having sleepless nights in the planning room.

Now speaking in a whisper, Yoo Sangah continued to try and comfort Han Sooyoung

“Do you want to just lay hear and cuddle? Let’s try and get some sleep,” The serene tone combined with the soft covers helped ease some of Han Sooyoung’s pain. She nodded her head, and Yoo Sangah slipped them both under the covers.

And so, as the night wore on, the two ladies slept in peace, leaving thoughts of what was to come aside.

i personally love when kim dokja fixes his problems with suicide. he puts a gun to his head and im clapping and cheering along.

Folks, backup your Tumblrs, for real this time

googling shit like "why do i feel bad after hanging out with my friends" and all of the answers are either "you need better friends" (i don't; my friends are wonderful) or "your social battery is drained, you need to rest and regain your energy levels" (i don't; i've got tons of energy, it's just manifesting as over-the-top neurotic mania). why is this even happening. it's like some stupid toll i have to pay as a punishment for enjoying myself too much

In a world where the scenarios never happened, a different kind of calamity plagues Seoul. Doppelgängers roam the streets, and have done for decades, forcing the world to adopt strict security measures- or risk your flesh being stolen, in more ways than one. Doormen are tasked with putting themselves on the front line to protect ordinary citizens from this threat, and Kim Dokja unwittingly finds himself as one such doorman.

It’s a thankless job, and when Dokja’s building welcomes two new residents, he finds his job only gets more complicated the further he becomes entwined within Yoo Joonghyuk’s life.

A story of hapless, stupid love, in an apocalyptic world that stubbornly refuses to fall.

I am suddenly very interested in reading someone’s fanfiction in which:

Kim Dokja’s Fourth Wall goes into overdrive when he has a panic attack, blurring him so much that he’s either entirely invisible or only a hazy distortion in the air

He endures this a couple of times alone when no one is looking for him

When he panics during an important moment, though, the others notice his absence and look for him

And one of two things happens: either 1) KimCom finds him and is able to protect him well enough for him to come back and be loved on, or 2) only Han Sooyoung finds him, and she uses her writer’s mind to comfort him, tie him back to reality, and help him reconnect with his sense of self rather than dissociating by describing what he looks like, piece by piece, painting a picture of him with her words as if he were a character (just like he tries to be when he copes alone), until he’s there, on his knees in front of her, tear tracks staining the corners of his eyes

I think it’s pretty clear which of those two scenarios I find more compelling, but I think the other could be fleshed out enough to hit pretty hard, too

Basically I want Kim Dokja to feel seen and real and like a meaningful part of the physical world

Whumpril Day 3 - Sore

It started small. Sitting on the toilet, Yoo Mia looked down and saw blood staining her clothes. She felt like crying. Why was there blood? Was she injured? Was she dying? Tears came to her eyes.

She left the bathroom, and walked over to her oppa. He was cooking the company’s dinner in the kitchen they had taken over. Yoo Joonghyuk looked up when he heard footsteps at the door.

Seeing his sister in tears, he dropped what he was doing, seemingly chopping vegetables, and went over to his sister. Leaning down to hold her face, he asked why she was crying.

“I was just on the toilet a-and I looked down a-and saw blood! Why was there blood!” Yoo Mia was hiccuping and she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

“Hey, hey, it’s normal, I think I know what’s going on, it’s okay,” Her brother was comforting her, wiping her eyes before pulling her in close. “Do you want me to go over it or would you rather have Lee Seolhwa or Lee Jihye?”

“You please, oppa,” The girl had not completely stopped crying but was slightly calmer now.

“Why don’t we sit down then?”

Yoo Mia’s stomach felt like it was bursting. There was an all consuming ache lingering in her chest, and it hurt, ever so badly. She drew her knees up to her chest, rocking back and forth to try and make it stop.

Yoo Joonghyuk, seeing this, brought his sister into a hug.

“It happens when you get older, your body starts adapting to you growing up,” Yoo Mia wanted to make a comment about how she knew what puberty was, but the ache swallowed up the majority of her attention.

***

Her oppa was dead. He died after fending off a sword strike meant for her. When her time of month came next, she remembered how he had so lovingly told her about what it would be like. She remembered how he calmed her down when she was crying. She remembered how he didn’t leave until she was in a better state of mind.

She curled up, and the ache wouldn’t end.